If you are not getting enough sex in your marriage, you are not very happy, and your marriage may be going downhill. Here is a rescue plan:

1. Find out what the problem is

If you used to have deep passion in your marriage, then the question you first need to answer is: “Where did the passion go? And how did it happen?” You will probably realize that you or your spouse may have put some ‘passion blockers’ in the way, such as always bringing too much work home from the office, always keeping busy with something else and not making time for each other, etc. Unless one of you is cheating, the problem is often this simple: stealing time away from your sex life and giving it to other commitments. If that is the problem, then the solution is simple too: have a tender discussion with your partner about how you can make more time for sex. Sometimes you may have to help with the household chores so as to free up some time for your spouse to finish up other things early enough for you to have time for sex. The less each of you works on other chores, the more time and energy you’ll have to enjoy each other passionately. Another step you can take is to give your scale of preference a makeover by pushing sex up the list. Make it your priority to have more fire than ice in your relationship. This could also mean changing your lifestyle and having more romantic conversations and outings with your partner, decorating your bedroom with flowers, pictures and other sexually stimulating décor, and recommitting to your sex life. This leads us to the second point:

2. Bring sex(y) back

Sex is not like an article of clothing that you can just change into anytime irrespective of how you feel. It is a sensual and sensuous experience that also involves emotions, and often needs to be stimulated through a deliberate effort at seduction, and arousal of the senses – sight, touch, hearing, smell, and taste. You can constantly stimulate your partner’s sexual appetite by keeping yourself attractive through personal grooming, wearing sexy clothing, fixing your hair, maintaining healthy weight, using cologne and other fragrances on your body and in your bedroom; seducing your spouse by whispering sweet words into their ears, writing romantic notes for each other, going out on romantic dates with your partner, touching, massaging and kissing your partner and expressing affection for each other more often. All these actions will help you to bring sex back to the level it needs to be in your marriage. Over time, the transition from other activities to sex will become more natural and easy as you continue to develop sexual intimacy with your partner. That is when you will know that the flame is at its full glow and the passion is burning in your relationship. Also try to always invent new ways to enjoy your sex life. Get silly with each other sometimes, and be adventurous with your sexuality. Nothing creates sexual intimacy more than a couple on a sexual adventure together, always reinventing their sex life. Be that couple. Draw up a plan for reinvigorating your sex life, and work with it. Throw in some surprises now and then – a romantic getaway, a dinner date or movie night, etc. Relationships are not meant to be dull and boring. They rather should take the boredom out of life. Make the best use of the gift of your love and reignite the flame in your relationship.

3. Work on strengthening your overall relationship

When there are too many problems in your relationship, such as frequent arguments and fights, mistrust, jealousy, resentment and apprehension, your sex life naturally suffers. One way of putting passion back into your relationship is to address any other issues you may be having in the marriage at large. Work on being more loving and caring, supportive and giving, trusting and trustworthy. Also work on improving your communication and expressing your love and affection. You should try to create an atmosphere in your marriage that is accepting, playful and nonjudgmental. Your bedroom should be a comfortable and accepting place where you can both be yourselves, get naughty and have fun. Don’t repeatedly deny each other sex as a form of punishment, or by simply saying you’re not in the mood, because that is a sure recipe for cheating and conflicts. Even when you have to deny your spouse sex for good reason, do so gracefully in a way that doesn’t take a toll on their self esteem and block off their desire to initiate sex in the future. When there is love, peace and harmony in your marriage, sexual intimacy becomes a natural phenomenon and not a forced experience. Happy couples have the most sex and the best sex, of course.

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