I worked for one of the largest retail stores in North America for a couple of years. They had field supervisors who periodically visited the stores to assess their performance and grade them. Stores that followed the company policies and met or exceeded the various performance metrics such as safety and sales targets, as well as customer satisfaction, payroll and cleanliness goals were graded as GREEN stores. The stores at the other end of the scale or low-performing stores were graded YELLOW or RED depending on how badly they performed. Over time, stores that consistently received a red rating got a new management team or got closed down altogether.

I believe the same grading concept is applicable to relationships. Healthy relationships are what I call GREEN RELATIONSHIPS. They are the kind of relationship that can be described (in business terms) as a continuing concern, which means they are assumed to live on forever or at least have the capacity to do so due to their current health or strength. We all know what green relationships look like:

The kind of relationship where there is always peace, love, understanding, care, cooperation, forgiveness and happiness all in abundance or even in excess.
The kind of relationship where both partners are content with each other, and are always happy and excited to see each other, and dearly miss each other when they are apart.
The kind of relationship that feels more like fun or pleasure rather than a chore or a tedious task.
The kind where there is trust.
The kind where disagreements and conflicts are a rare occurrence rather than a characteristic nature of the relationship; where partners can disagree and still do so with love, respect and a willingness to understand the other partner’s views without demonizing them.
The kind where compromise is not one partner’s trait but a shared trait of both partners.
Where conflict can occur without leaving an indelible emotional print on either of the partners.
Where the sight of a partner brings smiles and joy rather than sighs and worries.
Where each partner feels loved, respected, appreciated and understood.
Where helping each other feels pleasurable rather than stressful.
Where selfish motives are dropped to pave way for mutual benefits.
Where one partner’s success is celebrated as the couple’s success, and their challenges, failures and defeats borne together and overcome together.
Where carrying each other’s burden is embraced with joy even if the burden seems lopsided or one-sided.
Where continuously helping the other partner without getting an equal return doesn’t feel like an unfair business deal, but a blessed opportunity to show and give more love than you can receive.
Where each partner is always thinking of ways to “outlove,” “outhelp,” “outmotivate,” “outcare-for,” “outsupport” and “outunderstand” the other partner.
Where each partner concerns themselves more with helping the other rather than being helped; and where love, care, support and encouragement never dry out.
The kind of relationship where partners feel and act more like true partners rather than competitors.
Where partners strive to find common grounds rather than fuel their misunderstandings or differences.

These are the characteristics of a green relationship, and that is what I want every relationship to be. It is the kind of relationship that makes it happily through marriage and beyond – till death. Green relationships are consistently at their best irrespective of the challenges they may face. They are steadily joyful.

YELLOW RELATIONSHIPS are a mixed bag. They blow hot and cold. They are not necessarily bad, but they could be better, and both partners are usually aware of this fact. One day it feels like paradise, and the next day it feels like hell. One moment it feels like fun that never should end, and the next moment it feels like a tedious task that you wish you never signed up for. One moment you feel like you are in love, and the next moment you feel like you’d rather be alone. One moment you are arguing fiercely, and the next moment you’re happily riding on each other’s back at the beach. It is the kind of relationship that goes through a roller coaster of blissful peaks and depressing doldrums. Yellow relationships usually just need a little breath of fresh air, and often do very well after a good counseling or a peaceful pillow talk.

It should be noted that partners in a yellow relationship love each other, care for each other and are supportive of each other, but they are a little less understanding of each other, which tends to create problems for them.

This is the characteristic of many relationships today. Partners in a yellow relationship don’t feel completely satisfied with their relationships, and yet can’t pinpoint exactly what is ailing it or whose fault it is. They tend to point fingers at each other, resulting in frequent petty arguments. Such partners often have a strong desire to better their relationship rather than end it, but they often don’t know how to compromise on a solution partly because they can’t compromise on what the problem is either, and they allow their entrenched beliefs and egos to dictate their behaviors in the relationship. Thus yellow relationships are essentially their own enemies. All they need to stay stronger and become green is to find out what behaviors or actions result in the blissful peaks both partners enjoy and desire, and do more of those behaviors or actions. In other words, these partners need to tap into the positive energy that characterizes the happy moments in the relationship and make it last. They need to focus more on what they have in common and concentrate more on doing what makes each other happy. They also need to put their egos aside and be more understanding and tolerant of each other. They need to compromise more, because that is a necessary remedy for partners in such a relationship. Without these necessary steps, yellow relationships stand the risk of turning red rather than green.

RED RELATIONSHIPS are what you can safely call bad relationships. They are relationships whose continuous existence is very much in question. They are (to borrow a business term) a going concern, which means that there is serious doubt that they will live on for long. Such relationships are usually characterized by frequent fights and arguments involving name-calling, physical threats and intimidation, property destruction and physical attacks. They involve less communication or more irresponsible communication such as insults, silent and overt raging, and offensive gestures intended to intimidate the other partner. Red relationships are also characterized by vindictiveness, selfish motives, and apathy. Partners usually feel depressed about such a relationship and see it more as an unpleasant chore than a pleasurable experience. Sometimes these partners find pleasure in the fights and arguments. There is no peace in a red relationship. Partners in such relationships are not happy and usually stay in the relationship for other reasons other than being in love or wanting a more permanent relationship. The reason could be some material benefit they are getting or the fear or uncertainty about what might happen to them if they opt out. These relationships, however, eventually die out when the partners begin to recognize the overbearing weight of trying to keep it afloat.

Though a red relationship could be rescued through counseling and other interventions, partners in such relationships are often more pessimistic about a long-term future together and less interested in such interventions. Red relationships lack excitement and fun. Partners care less about each other and may resort to promiscuity or even start another relationship while they wait for its demise.

So what color is your relationship? Green, Yellow, or Red? Go Green!