The good thing about cutting pieces from ReejecttIIon: A Number Two, my upcoming collaborative book with author Daniel Clausen, is that you get to read them here for free. Here’s the latest short story.

And remember you can read Clausen’s first Reejecttion book here: http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t... or here: https://www.goodreads.com/reader/5905... for free! It’s short and brilliant, so what are you waiting for?




CLONE CO.

by Harry Whitewolf



The receptionist was Daisy Duke from The Dukes of Hazzard. “Welcome to Clone Co.” she said. “How may I help?”

“Hello, yes, I’ve been given a gift voucher I’d like to redeem please.”

“Is this your first time shopping at Clone Co.?”

“Yes, it is.”

“Well, I’ll get one of our assistants to go through the options we offer. If you’d like to follow Mr. T, he’ll take you to see Dave.”

Mr. T then appeared and said abruptly, “Follow me, fool!” and the customer followed the gold-draped man into a small office where Dave was sitting behind a large desk. “Please, take a seat, Mr…?”

“Dibbit.”

Mr. T walked out with the sound of clunking jewellery as Mr. Dibbit sat down. Dave started laying out all manner of brochures on the desk, whilst saying, “Now, what are you looking for? Do you know what sort of clone you would like?”

“No- this is all new to me. I have a voucher for eight million credit chips, so if you could just show me what you have within that price range, that would be great.”

“Certainly Mr. Dibbit. Well, we offer lots of different types of clones here at Clone Co. Would you perhaps be interested in cloning an old pet? A dog or a canary, for instance?”

“No, I’ve never had any pets,” replied Mr. Dibbit.

“How about a dinosaur? A pterodactyl would be within your price range.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“What about a dodo?”

“That’s a no no."

“Well there are plenty of human options as well. Would you be interested in cloning a dead parent or an ex-girlfriend? Or someone you once had a crush on? We can, of course, make any personality alterations that you may require.”

“No, I don’t think I want to clone anyone personal to me.”

“Would you like to clone yourself? Lots of people like this option -especially men. I mean, just think -finally you could know what it’s like to give yourself a blowjob!”

“Hm… Not for me, no.”

“O.K, so maybe you’d like to clone a celebrity?”

“Yeah… I think that sounds good.”

“Excellent! One of our most popular choices!” Dave began rummaging through the catalogues on the desk. “Have you got anyone in mind?”

“Not really. It just depends on who I can afford.”

“Certainly. Well, I’m afraid our A-Class Celeb Clones will be out of your league, but there are still plenty of other options. Let’s see…” Dave picked up a brochure entitled ‘Famous Fucks’ and said, “Could I interest you in a celebrity shag? For eight million, you could have the weather girl from Channel 87.”

Mr. Dibbit looked a little embarrassed. “Um, no- I don’t think that’s really my style,” he said.

“O.K. No problem. How about celebrities you’d like to punch in the face?” Dave replied, picking up another catalogue and flicking through it. “Our special offer at the moment is Justin Bieber. That’ll only cost you six million. What do you say? Would you like to have a Bieber clone you can use as a punch bag on a daily basis? I’ve heard it does wonders for releasing tension.”

“No, I don’t think so. Could I buy George W Bush? I’ve always fancied giving him a bloody nose.”

“Hmmm… I’m afraid he’s a little out of your price range. How about Ben Affleck?”

“Mm, no.”

“Charlie Sheen?”

“Nah. Haven’t you got anyone more recent?”

Dave replied, “I’m afraid that for your price range, it’s mostly people from over a century ago. Hey- how about Queen Elizabeth II? I always fancied punching her in the face myself.”

Mr. Dibbit looked like he was losing interest. “I’m not sure I really want to punch anyone in the face actually,” he said.

Dave started rummaging through more brochures, saying, “No problem, no problem…. Let’s see- what else have we got? How about someone more historic? Would you like Napoleon to do your dishes for you? Attila the Hun to do your laundry? Jane Austen to wipe your ass?”

Mr. Dibbit carefully considered these options. “I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to get a clone who could do some household chores for me, but I’m not too keen on those you mentioned. Who else could I get? I was hoping for someone a little more glamorous. Elvis, perhaps.”

“Oh, Mr. Dibbit, I’m sorry, but Elvis Presley costs a lot more than eight million, and anyway, he’s in our Elite Class of clones. He’s not one we sell to the general public I’m afraid. No, if you want to see Elvis, you’ll have to go to one of the concerts. I believe there are fifteen happening tonight…. Let’s see… Yes… Here we are… There are four Early Elvis gigs and eleven Fat Elvis ones tonight.”

“Oh, right.”

“Look, I’m sure we can find you someone just as satisfactory to take home with you. Let’s see…” Dave picked up a list of celebs you could buy for under ten million. “What about Keira Knightly? She’s very cheap.”

“Nah,” replied Mr. Dibbit.

“Phil Collins?”

Mr. Dibbit shook his head.

“Nietzsche?”

“No.”

“Lemmy? Lassie? Fonzie?”

“Mmm… No… How much did you say Justin Bieber was again?”

“Six million. I could throw in Pol Pot for two mil, if you like.”

“Yeah, go on then. I’ll take a Bieber and a Pol Pot”
“A very wise decision Mr. Dibbit!” said Dave and proceeded to get the paperwork together.