Miriam > Miriam's Quotes

“Someone told me the delightful story of the crusader who put a chastity belt on his wife and gave the key to his best friend for safekeeping, in case of his death. He had ridden only a few miles away when his friend, riding hard, caught up with him, saying 'You gave me the wrong key!”
― Anais Nin

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”
― Woody Allen

“Threats are the last resort of a man with no vocabulary.”
― Tamora Pierce, Lady Knight

“Belikov is a sick, evil man who should be thrown into a pit of rabid vipers for the great offense he commited against you this morning."
"Thank you." I said primly. Then, I considered. "Can vipers be rabid?"
"I don't see why not. Everything can be. I think. Canadian geese might be worse than vipers, though."
"Canadian geese are deadlier than vipers?"
"You ever try to feed those little bastards? They're vicious. You get thrown to vipers, you die quickly. But the geese? That'll go on for days. More suffering."
"Wow. I don't know whether I should be impressed or frightened that you've thought about all of this.”
― Richelle Mead, Frostbite

“Maybe I needed sensitivity training. I once signed up for an anger management class, but the instructor pissed me off.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“After a long pause in which he took the time to blink several times, he asked, "You named your breasts?"

I turned my back to him with a shrug. "I named my ovaries, too, but they don't get out as much.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Genius has its limitations.
Insanity...not so much" -Bumper Sticker”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“You were the one who hit me on the roof?
I hit you on the jaw. We just happened to be on a roof at the time.”
― Darynda Jones, First Grave on the Right

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen

“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields

“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Benjamin Franklin Wade

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin

“Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.”
― Terry Pratchett, Jingo

“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer”
― Douglas Adams

“Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men.”
― Neil Gaiman

“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.”
― Ellen DeGeneres

“Alec looked at her and shook his head. "How do you manage never to get mud on your clothes?"
Isabelle shrugged philosophically. "I'm pure at heart. It repels the dirt.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes

“If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!”
― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”
― Woody Allen

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”
― Woody Allen

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”
― Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters

“I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.”
― Woody Allen

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”
― Woody Allen

“I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.”
― Woody Allen

“Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.”
― Woody Allen, Standup Comic

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“SERIOUSLY? Is it because of Jesus? Are you, like, saving yourself for him?” Sex seemed simpler for Kelsey. She had the body of a Barbie and the sexually-charged brain of a teenage boy.
“No, Kelsey,” I said. “It would be a little difficult to save myself for someone who died over two thousand years ago.”
― Cora Carmack, Losing It

“Have you fallen in love with the wrong person yet?'
Jace said, "Unfortunately, Lady of the Haven, my one true love remains myself."
..."At least," she said, "you don't have to worry about rejection, Jace Wayland."
"Not necessarily. I turn myself down occasionally, just to keep it interesting.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“You like the party?
Is it in honour of anything?
My cat's birthday.
Where's your cat?
I don't know, he ran away.”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones