Sexy Humor Quotes

“Piss me off again and I'll rip you a new asshole and then fuck it. And that's just the foreplay.”
― Larissa Ione, Eternal Rider

“Never be afraid to be sexy!”
― Alysha Speer

“How long does it take to recover from a sex addiction? Saying that, what is a sex addiction anyway? I mean, I get a gambling or drink addiction could lead to bigger problems in life if you continue to do it, but how can sex addiction lead you anywhere but having more fun and more sex in life? Even if I was a recovering sex addict, would this actually bother me? Fuck yeah it would, because I wouldn't want to be in recovery and having less fucking sex, would I?”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Comedian Gone Wrong 2

“Pay closer attention to it's ears, the reason it's named the Rabbit. Is it just me, or do those ears also look like someone making a rude V-Sign hand gesture?

Oh, I get it now. Yes, very funny! Those bunny ears are meant to stimulate the clitoris, right? And of course, statistics and studies in bullshit magazines claim that 1 in every 2 men can't find the clitoris, right? Meaning what I think it means and that the sexist female who obviously designed this device is basically sticking two fingers up at crappy men, because her world famous toy can find the users clitoris quicker”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Comedian Gone Wrong

“Some women do not masturbate for pleasure; they masturbate to make a political statement: to remind us that women do not really need men (or at least not as much and as frequently as every single male chauvinist and every single misogynist believes).”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“Remember, anyone can have car sex, yet it takes a truly active sexual imagine to make that car have sex with you too. The American's call it first base, second base, third base, don't they? I call it, first gear, second gear and reverse.”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Comedian Gone Wrong

“It was masturbation, not willpower, that made it possible for gazillions of women to walk down the aisle with their reputation and their hymen still intact.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.”
― Nenia Campbell, Bound to Accept

“Come make me sticky.
Dimitri to Honor”
― Nalini Singh, Archangel's Blade

“Oh for the love of God put a butt plug in the male tough-guy crap.”
― Larissa Ione, Sin Undone

“Gabby couldn't believe what he had just said. Her mouth gaped open and a flirty smile came over her. She slowly peeled her half wet white t-shirt over her head and then slowly shimmied out of her shorts. What had gotten into her? She had never acted like this before, but she suddenly felt playful, fun and daring. If he wanted to play, so could she.”
― J.B. McGee, Broken

“Mmmm I like the sounds you're making," he murmured in a honeyed whisper. "I just bet that you're a screamer. Should I have brought earplugs?
Kurt Nielsen”
― Nikki Sex, Carmen's New York Climax

“Some women have been faking orgasms for so long that they sometimes fake one when they are masturbating.”
― Mokokoma Mokhonoana, On Masturbation: A Satirical Essay

“It’s the only thing sexier than a sexy woman. A sexy woman cooking fuckin’ sausages.”
― Roddy Doyle, Paula Spencer

“Wesley Rush no persigue a las chicas, pero te está persiguiendo a ti.”
― Kody Keplinger, The DUFF: Designated Ugly Fat Friend

“I’ll leave before anyone wakes up. Promise.” “They’ll hear us,” I said, my heart pounding in growing panic. “I’ll take off my boots.” “How will that help you keep your mouth shut while we have sex?”
― Missy Welsh, My Summer of Wes

“they all think men are obsolete. useless. as if we're just some sexual appendix.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

“Just don’t stare at my ass, Landemere,” he added.

“I wasn’t staring at your ass,” Arranulf, who had been staring at his ass, said.”
― Andrew Ashling, The Invisible Chains - Part 1: Bonds of Hate

“Are you a person who peels off a band-aid slowly or just rips it off all at once?" Casey contemplated Alexa's warning, recognizing it for what it was.”
― Donna McDonald, Dating a Cougar

“He circled around me, whispering in my ear. “I’m O positive. I’m everyone’s type.”
― Dannika Dark, Keystone

“Seriously, so many times I've heard women talk about fast men unsatisfying them in the bedroom because they ejaculate too quickly, yet it seems now, if you don't ejaculate quick enough, then they will feel insecure about it instead. I don't get it - Too quick, you're rubbish, yet too long, then you're making them feel bad.”
― Jimmy Tudeski, Hollywood Girlfriend

“When you f*** a Vampire, you get a free hat.”
― Daven Anderson, Vampire Syndrome

“Above me, Nigel is muttering in rapid French; I hope he's not telling me what to do, because my limited knowledge of the language does not yet include instructions on how to give head properly.”
― J.J. Mulder, Square to the Puck

“I've a weak spot for women who take the wheel.”
― Susie M. Hanley, Muse

“Guy walks into a bar and asks the girl for a drink take 5 Dave Brubeck style...Ready And Willing To Catch A Real Boy Pinocchio pokeball Pikachu?”
― Jonathan Roy Mckinney Gero EagleO2

“Did you know,” she said, “they say the colour of a lady’s lips is an exact match to another region on the body?” Her gaze drifted below her water-covered stomach.

My face grew hot. The burning need to say something, anything, scorched my tongue.”
― Anita Zara, The Maid's Secret

“I check in with my vagina, because if I got hot and heavy last night, she and I need to talk. I do a couple Kegels, but Lassie doesn't start barking like I should be worried that Timmy fell down the well again. I go full CSI. I'm not sore. There's no evidence of orgasms. I check my hips and waist, no hot-sex injuries of any kind. I touch my lips, nope, not sore from kissing too much.”
― Ivy Asher, The Reclamation

“You're really going to make me jump out the window? Like I'm your dirty secret?"
"Well, baby, you're dirty and my secret, but nothing about you is little.”
― Amy Buchanan, Let's Call a Truce

“And suddenly, everything changes. The way her dark brown eyes gaze at me through her eyelashes, how her lips curl up in one irresistible smile and how the tone of her voice becomes sassy and, at the same time, does not allow any objection. With a twitch in my trousers, I accept that she is suddenly the most delicious dessert in the restaurant.”
― Helly Mayers, Find Me

“I feel a grin come on and wink at her. “You think I’m super fit?”
“That is not what I said, and I do not think you need me to inflate your ego any more!” She shoots me a fierce look.”
― Helly Mayers, Find Me