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Demetri Martin
“Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?”
Demetri Martin, This is a Book
tags: humor

Demetri Martin
“A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.”
Demetri Martin, This is a Book
tags: humor

Demetri Martin
“I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.”
Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin
“I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.”
Demetri Martin

Demetri Martin
“Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for centuries after that there would be countless imitators including oltaire, Michelangelo, and, much later, Cher.”
Demetri Martin, This is a Book

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