Rebecca Nolan's Blog - Posts Tagged "pain"
writing what you know can be hard!
Why is it that the one thing I understand best is the one thing that is so hard to write. Locked up emotions are hard to unleash. Yet, here i am unleashing them and hoping that it won't come back and bite me.
first of all i wish to point out that even though my life has been far from perfect I wouldn't change any of it at all. For today I can sit here and say I am one lucky girl. My life is great!
But it has not always been that way. Only eleven years ago I was a girl in a lot of trouble, I had a boyfriend who even though i had thought of him being my prince turned out to be the villian. Now it isnt like he is a bad person in fact since we have been away from one another we both have very healthy relationships with our partners, but when we are together it is like some kind of liquid explosive. When together we destory one another. Now i am going to be writing a FICTION story based around that. Fingers crossed that it all works into one great story!
first of all i wish to point out that even though my life has been far from perfect I wouldn't change any of it at all. For today I can sit here and say I am one lucky girl. My life is great!
But it has not always been that way. Only eleven years ago I was a girl in a lot of trouble, I had a boyfriend who even though i had thought of him being my prince turned out to be the villian. Now it isnt like he is a bad person in fact since we have been away from one another we both have very healthy relationships with our partners, but when we are together it is like some kind of liquid explosive. When together we destory one another. Now i am going to be writing a FICTION story based around that. Fingers crossed that it all works into one great story!
I want off this Rollercoaster
Life is full of ups and downs... I get that and yet as I type this I wonder if I will ever see the upside again. melodramatic I know but when it seems like you have been dealt more blows then lucky it is hard now to be. I mean this was meant to be my year, a year where my novel finally made it and where I could stand tall and proud and full of such good lucky that I would be deliriously happy. What happened? why does it feel as though I brought ticket to ride the rollarcoaster of doom!
This year has seen the death of my dog, a very long fight with a large company, my health go off track for a bit, money decrese and now the death of someone who was closer to me then my own grandmothers. To make things worse I dont know how to cry over her passing. Ok so i know how to cry but I have sent most of my life cutting and burying my emotions that it is hard to feel what I need to feel.
Knowing she is gone and I will never get to have a cuppa or hear her yell at the guys on the footy oval does bring tears to my eyes but I quickly surpress them again. It is hard when I want to talk to my husband (who didnt spend as much time with her) and he is falling asleep on the couch (after I must say, he had a very long and hard day at work). My mother is no good as she didnt know this special lady either and I have no one else I can turn to. To make things worse tomorrow is my birthday and I must admit it is one day I hate because it is always a huge dissappointment.
I have had to deal with a few deaths over the years from an uncle to friends and each time I feel as though I bury a little more of myself and the pain away. All the crying I do is mainly alone in the shower so I can just lose myself for atleast five minutes without anyone knowing... it is something I learnt to do long ago. My only saving grace is my writing. I can express built up emotions through the characters which helps as does the writing in itself.
Right now though I am just wondering if this rollarcoaster of doom and gloom is going to stop. I have never wished to be living another life until now and that is a horrible feeling. I dont need things to be perfect but it would be nice to have a little break from the bad luck. I just want to be able to feel and express myself to those who care for and about me. The other good thing is that I have learnt who my valuable friends are. They are the ones who stand by me while I whinge and whiel I laugh, the ones who pick me up when I am down and enjoy my friendship as much as I enjoy theirs. Now all i need to do is to get rid of the fake people and those who wish to misuse my friendship and things will hopefully pick up.
Thank you for sharing this with me, it was nice to just write some of this stuff out, but now I am going to have a nice long shower and enjoy some quiet crying time alone so that tonight I can be big and brave again.
Xox
Rebecca
This year has seen the death of my dog, a very long fight with a large company, my health go off track for a bit, money decrese and now the death of someone who was closer to me then my own grandmothers. To make things worse I dont know how to cry over her passing. Ok so i know how to cry but I have sent most of my life cutting and burying my emotions that it is hard to feel what I need to feel.
Knowing she is gone and I will never get to have a cuppa or hear her yell at the guys on the footy oval does bring tears to my eyes but I quickly surpress them again. It is hard when I want to talk to my husband (who didnt spend as much time with her) and he is falling asleep on the couch (after I must say, he had a very long and hard day at work). My mother is no good as she didnt know this special lady either and I have no one else I can turn to. To make things worse tomorrow is my birthday and I must admit it is one day I hate because it is always a huge dissappointment.
I have had to deal with a few deaths over the years from an uncle to friends and each time I feel as though I bury a little more of myself and the pain away. All the crying I do is mainly alone in the shower so I can just lose myself for atleast five minutes without anyone knowing... it is something I learnt to do long ago. My only saving grace is my writing. I can express built up emotions through the characters which helps as does the writing in itself.
Right now though I am just wondering if this rollarcoaster of doom and gloom is going to stop. I have never wished to be living another life until now and that is a horrible feeling. I dont need things to be perfect but it would be nice to have a little break from the bad luck. I just want to be able to feel and express myself to those who care for and about me. The other good thing is that I have learnt who my valuable friends are. They are the ones who stand by me while I whinge and whiel I laugh, the ones who pick me up when I am down and enjoy my friendship as much as I enjoy theirs. Now all i need to do is to get rid of the fake people and those who wish to misuse my friendship and things will hopefully pick up.
Thank you for sharing this with me, it was nice to just write some of this stuff out, but now I am going to have a nice long shower and enjoy some quiet crying time alone so that tonight I can be big and brave again.
Xox
Rebecca
