Rebecca Nolan's Blog - Posts Tagged "life"

Why is it that the one thing I understand best is the one thing that is so hard to write. Locked up emotions are hard to unleash. Yet, here i am unleashing them and hoping that it won't come back and bite me.
first of all i wish to point out that even though my life has been far from perfect I wouldn't change any of it at all. For today I can sit here and say I am one lucky girl. My life is great!
But it has not always been that way. Only eleven years ago I was a girl in a lot of trouble, I had a boyfriend who even though i had thought of him being my prince turned out to be the villian. Now it isnt like he is a bad person in fact since we have been away from one another we both have very healthy relationships with our partners, but when we are together it is like some kind of liquid explosive. When together we destory one another. Now i am going to be writing a FICTION story based around that. Fingers crossed that it all works into one great story!

I recently was asked by another mother what I did for a living, in which I replied that I was a writer. She then asked if I had anthign published in which I replied I had three stories with an American Publisher and two I had done by myself. It was funny how embarrassed I was, at telling her about what I did.

When I went home I wondered why I had felt that way...would I have felt that way if I were, say, a doctor or a banker etc? The answer was No. Sure so far I have made a measelly sum of $5 lol, but I am getting my name out there and I am trying to work hard. Sure, maybe it might be my own fault that I have not made more money. I know I have turned down opportunities due to lack of confidance and because other publishing companies didnt have the right feel for me. I guess I am also loyal in some regrads but I dont see that as a bad thing. Hopefully one day I will land a contract in which every one is happy...but that is besides the point, what I am really tying to understand is why I feel like I am still not an Author????

I wonder how many other writers/ authors feel this way? Is having five books available to the public enough to finally allow me to say "I am an Author" proudly or would making some grand amount of money and getting on some best seller list make it real? I wish I knew...

Life is full of ups and downs... I get that and yet as I type this I wonder if I will ever see the upside again. melodramatic I know but when it seems like you have been dealt more blows then lucky it is hard now to be. I mean this was meant to be my year, a year where my novel finally made it and where I could stand tall and proud and full of such good lucky that I would be deliriously happy. What happened? why does it feel as though I brought ticket to ride the rollarcoaster of doom!

This year has seen the death of my dog, a very long fight with a large company, my health go off track for a bit, money decrese and now the death of someone who was closer to me then my own grandmothers. To make things worse I dont know how to cry over her passing. Ok so i know how to cry but I have sent most of my life cutting and burying my emotions that it is hard to feel what I need to feel.

Knowing she is gone and I will never get to have a cuppa or hear her yell at the guys on the footy oval does bring tears to my eyes but I quickly surpress them again. It is hard when I want to talk to my husband (who didnt spend as much time with her) and he is falling asleep on the couch (after I must say, he had a very long and hard day at work). My mother is no good as she didnt know this special lady either and I have no one else I can turn to. To make things worse tomorrow is my birthday and I must admit it is one day I hate because it is always a huge dissappointment.

I have had to deal with a few deaths over the years from an uncle to friends and each time I feel as though I bury a little more of myself and the pain away. All the crying I do is mainly alone in the shower so I can just lose myself for atleast five minutes without anyone knowing... it is something I learnt to do long ago. My only saving grace is my writing. I can express built up emotions through the characters which helps as does the writing in itself.

Right now though I am just wondering if this rollarcoaster of doom and gloom is going to stop. I have never wished to be living another life until now and that is a horrible feeling. I dont need things to be perfect but it would be nice to have a little break from the bad luck. I just want to be able to feel and express myself to those who care for and about me. The other good thing is that I have learnt who my valuable friends are. They are the ones who stand by me while I whinge and whiel I laugh, the ones who pick me up when I am down and enjoy my friendship as much as I enjoy theirs. Now all i need to do is to get rid of the fake people and those who wish to misuse my friendship and things will hopefully pick up.

Thank you for sharing this with me, it was nice to just write some of this stuff out, but now I am going to have a nice long shower and enjoy some quiet crying time alone so that tonight I can be big and brave again.

Xox

Rebecca

This year is just going crazy, I am amazed at everything that has happened. As some of you might know I have been dished out enough bad luck and issues to deal with that it left me wishing I could run away and hide. The surpising thing is that with all that pain, all that hurt, I have been blessed. Until now I would have never known who were the most amazing and supportive people in my life. As I have stated some of the best, kindest, supportive people have been people I have never meet. They allow me to whinge and then pick me up. The send me kind comments and allow me to know I am not alone. They are what true friends are meant to be. There are people like Jimmy, Ed, Steve, William, Danielle, Theresa, Jamie, Brenda, Tanya, Kelly, Trena...plus so many more




So now to fill you in on some good news my novel Death Lilli has been picked up by Firefly and wisp! Yay. As many of you might now I have already been published in 3 of their anthologies so this is amazing. I cant promote them enough!!!! Serious they are an awesome Publishing company and I have dealt with a few others so I can speak from some experiance :). Their Authors all pull together to help one another which makes it just like one big family. I beg of you to please so them some love and check out there website at http://fireflyandwisp.weebly.com/. They also have a facebook page https://www.facebook.com/#!/fireflyan... and I know that for this month of march they are doing giveaways everyday.




I have also started writing the sequel to Death Lilli and my next goal is to get a contract for Premonition (formally known as love and magic). I am about a third though my serial killer novel which i am super excited about also. So stay tuned for snippets of those in the comming months.

I am so blessed that I feel stupid for not embracing my luck before. I mean, it takes only an individual to change a person's life and I have so many that I should be screaming with joy and happy dancing my way around the world. I want to share these friends with you!




First is William Cook http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/...

I have known him now for omg 2-3yrs I think...every since i stumbled upon his amazing blog http://www.bloodrelated.wordpress.com/ and then befriended him on Facebook. I consider myself lucky that he accepted and is such a wonderful source of inspriation and knowledge for me. If you love horror then you must check out his novel Blood Related http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1468...




Next is James Garcia Jr http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/...

I have know Jimmy for 1-2 years. We meet via this blog actually. He is always one of the first people to leave me encouraging words of wisdom and always brings a smile to my face. I am so happy that we have become friends! I don't know what i would have done at times with seeing his kind messages written there to help me! I am going to share his new book that has just come out titled Dance on Fire http://www.amazon.com/Dance-on-Fire-e...




Then there is Lisa! https://www.facebook.com/lisagoldmanw...

She is such a kind hearted, wonderful person, that i couldn't imagine my life without her being there. We have gotted really close since starting our goodreads group http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/6... along with Muse. Lisa has been there to help me with my writing, teaching me things and always willing to help. I am so lucky!!! We often share a laugh and have a good chat when time zones allow for it hehe. I know she is someone I can count on to be there for me when I need a friend to have a whinge to. She is also a wonderfully talented writer! Omg seriously, when I read her work I often wonder if I'll ever be able to produce something as magical as she does! We are looking forward to one day being published together! Anyway...in the meantime go and check out her work!!! Like her page and become a fan :)http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/...




Lastly there is Muse. She is not (Yet) an author but she is such a wonderful, funny and kind friend who is a tech genius. Again I need to give her a shoutout for all the times she has made me nearly pee myself with laughter. Her OCD is awesome for someone like me too hehe. I can always count on her to be 100% honest and to keep my head from inflating. She writes fanfiction and one of these days Lisa and I will convince her to star in one of our group antholgies so the three of us can be all published together hehe.




Also I must thank all of you really! There are those of you I don't know just yet and those who i might only speak to every now and again but know that I am always thankful for your interest in my life and my writing! I am nothing without those who take the time to share in my passions. If you have ever wanted to get to know me, don't be afriad to chat. I reply as often as I can. The four people listed all became dear to me via a chance; just a single message and from that a wonderful friendship has grown. Life is full of chances, embrace them!




Love you all

Rebecca

As most know my husband is in the military. We have experienced a couple of deployments and during that time i have never come across anything which describes the intense emotional roller coaster that it can be. Everything I went through made me feel half crazed and very alone. Sure I knew other people had been there and gone through it but it wasn't as though I was going to call them up and be like, 'hey I want to walk out the door cus I am so over this and want to tear my hubby's head off.'

Even though I felt like that at that moment it wasn't what I really wanted. I just needed to vent. I needed to let my frustration out and know that what I was feeling was normal.

Any serious amount of time away effects you and your relationship. It is hard and no matter how you try to explain it to those not in the military it is likely that they just wont understand. How can you tell someone that really you partner is married to military and you get to play mistress every now and then. Military first, you second.

So work has begun on the Coping with deployment handbook. Two sections have been nearly completed. There are tips to help kids cope and parents of those deployed to cope. Also, in a first, I am going to try to include tips for siblings. Stay tuned for more details :)


Here is a few pieces from the book.




The packing of the bags.



Denial is my fave emotion at times but when you are sitting or standing and watching your partner pack those bags everything becomes real way too fast. This is a rollercoaster of emotions that you will be riding on. This is the time you might feel yourself becoming closed off or teary or one of the many other sad, angry, frustrated emotions that comes when realty hits you all too quickly.



The what ifs…



No one wants to have this talk and yet if something happens you will be glad you did. I am talking about the What If talks. What If one of the kids gets has to go to hospital? What if a loved one dies? What If something happens and I can’t contact you for a week or week? What If the house burns down? What If something happens to you and you don’t come back?
All these things are hard to talk about. The first time my partner went we didn’t have this talk at all. Again the denial fairy visits me on this one but now that I’m older and know better it is hard to ignore these discussions. Have this talk! Write down a list of possible What Ifs and check them off as you talk about it.



Be Prepared
Now is the time to make sure you have insurances, to check wills, to find contact numbers etc. Make sure you have the number of your partner’s mechanic, or any other thing your partner normally takes care of. If your partner is use to doing certain things well you’re going to have to burst their bubble and begin to take over things.


Xo

Rebecca