Phil Volatile's Blog - Posts Tagged "despair"

For a long time, almost immediately after publication, I suppressed this book, and limited all ebook and paperback copies available for it. I did this out of fear, out of shame, maybe for being a writer, maybe for what I've written. I have been tackling this notion for a long time, and that's the re-release of this book. I plan to release the original raw version (that I since suppressed), in which I wrote during times I was battling delirium tremens, hysteria, and severe depression. The original plan was to write this book and then shoot myself. I guess I didn't end up cashing my own check, and as a result of it I was consumed by fear and shame, and for a long time, it haunted me. I continued making changes to the book, until I eventually pulled it down from everywhere.

I never wanted to change this version, because I looked back on it as art. So, that is why I'm planning to release the original version in all its sometimes confusing and random glory, and also editing an amended version, which removes two of the chapters, making the book slightly less sporadic, but adds some new content, making it version 1.5 (tentatively to be known as "My Mind's Abyss: Relapse". I am currently working on book #2, which is tentatively being called, "My Mind's Abyss: Aftermath (The Art of Dying)".

So, for those of you who've been trying to obtain a copy, it'll soon be coming available, for better or worse, I suppose. I hope I'll not disappoint anyone. Thank you everyone for your interest and your support.

Summer Dress


Sitting across the patio
is a seedless sunflower
wearing a thin summer dress
Her nectar is so sweet that
all the bees stare, hoping
for a chance to pollinate

I’d fly over beside her,
and lifting her skirt,
I’d spread her petals and
force I’d exert

But once done, I’d
smell my fingers and
walk away, and she’d
mean nothing to me,
and I’d still feel
alone, and
sterile

© Volatalistic Phil 2013, Crushed Black Velvet


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