Phil Volatile's Blog - Posts Tagged "substance-abuse"

In a few days (on May 12th) it'll be 2 years ago that I sat here with a gun to my head, making a choice, and spent the next year and a half thinking I pulled the trigger. Soon, I'll be two years clean and sober, but it's not enough. It's not enough to just quit abusing drugs and alcohol, but I learned that it's a start, a strong start. I don't know that the disease, the infection, the defect, or whatever the hell you want to call it--I don't know that it ever goes away, because it's there. I feel it at times, a craving will come over me, a blip on my mind's radar of what once was, and could easily be again. But I know, from experience, there isn't a way to maintain what was, that I'll pick up where I left off, and it's possible that I won't return. I wish, very much at times, that I could just make it go away, that I could take back all of the things that have gone on as a result of my substance abuse, but I can't take it back. On one hand, I try to look at it as a blessing and not a scarlet letter...

For the rest of this entry, please see my blog: http://wp.me/s233cV-696

For a long time, almost immediately after publication, I suppressed this book, and limited all ebook and paperback copies available for it. I did this out of fear, out of shame, maybe for being a writer, maybe for what I've written. I have been tackling this notion for a long time, and that's the re-release of this book. I plan to release the original raw version (that I since suppressed), in which I wrote during times I was battling delirium tremens, hysteria, and severe depression. The original plan was to write this book and then shoot myself. I guess I didn't end up cashing my own check, and as a result of it I was consumed by fear and shame, and for a long time, it haunted me. I continued making changes to the book, until I eventually pulled it down from everywhere.

I never wanted to change this version, because I looked back on it as art. So, that is why I'm planning to release the original version in all its sometimes confusing and random glory, and also editing an amended version, which removes two of the chapters, making the book slightly less sporadic, but adds some new content, making it version 1.5 (tentatively to be known as "My Mind's Abyss: Relapse". I am currently working on book #2, which is tentatively being called, "My Mind's Abyss: Aftermath (The Art of Dying)".

So, for those of you who've been trying to obtain a copy, it'll soon be coming available, for better or worse, I suppose. I hope I'll not disappoint anyone. Thank you everyone for your interest and your support.

This is a very special thank you to everyone who has and continues to reach out and contact me about my book(s), and have been courageous enough to even share with me bits about their lives and their struggles and their victories in life over substance abuse and addiction.

I really didn't know what to expect when putting this book back out there, but your comments and kind words have been a victory and an affirmation for me. It's been a humbling experience, and at times even a little overwhelming, but I'm thankful for all of it.

I just wanted you to know that every one of you is special--every one of you is hall of fame in my book. I'm so proud of everyone and I hope that I'll never let you down.

Thank you so much <3,
-Phil

Pawn Shop Towns

Children are overdosing
on heroin and they’re
not much older than 14
The parents hit the street
panhandling for money
to bury their deceased

And after one look at them,
you realize that poor child
never even had a chance, and
you start to wonder if it’s
all just a big hoax

You never saw a pawn shop
town with so many tattoo parlors,
liquor stores, churches, bars,
and police stations—on the
same damn street

But there’s a million of these
towns that are like factories,
breeding hate and fear that only
the fortunate will never meet

And these zoomed up
kids die like saints, for
someone else’s
dollar

my blog: http://wp.me/s233cV-pawn

© 2012 Volatalistic Phil White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1...

My Mind's Abyss is free on Amazon #Kindle until May 19, 2014. Get a copy and let me know what you think. Thanks!

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00EY363QO

I'm three years clean and sober and I've also got an update so check out my blog!


Okay…so I know it’s been forever since I’ve posted a blog. I know, shame on me right? Oi. Friends, life doesn’t stop. Everything keeps moving and lately I’m feeling so low. I’m feeling so small and shit going on lately, a relationship ending, bullshit with cops…I just it’s been a journey these past few months.


On the 11th of May, like every Mother’s Day, I was sober again. This time friends, it’s been three years. Does it feel different? Yeah, I guess. I still miss my vices at times, but I know that it’s nonsense and is a way to die and not live. I just choose not to be that person anymore. It gets lonely, like now, I feel so alone and lonely. I have friends and what not, but sometimes I think about the substances and how they were comforting, but I know I’m just telling myself lies. It’s like when you get out of a toxic relationship (which I’ve recently just done) you make up excuses for the relationship and you glamorize it and you highlight all the good parts. The bottom line: —————->>> Clean & sober is the only way to be.

Enough of the sad sh!t, right?

I just bought a new motorcycle...
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The rest of the blog entry (with pictures!) can be read here:
http://wp.me/p233cV-cT

White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story

My newest poetry collection, White Wedding Lies, and Discontent is #Free on Amazon #Kindle, now until 05/28/14. Get your copy and let me know what you think!

http://www.amazon.com/White-Wedding-L...

Enter for a chance to win a paperback copy of White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story.

You must have:

An amazon.com account and follow me on Twitter!

Good luck!

https://giveaway.amazon.com/p/5f1f770...