Phil Volatile's Blog - Posts Tagged "alcoholism"

In a few days (on May 12th) it'll be 2 years ago that I sat here with a gun to my head, making a choice, and spent the next year and a half thinking I pulled the trigger. Soon, I'll be two years clean and sober, but it's not enough. It's not enough to just quit abusing drugs and alcohol, but I learned that it's a start, a strong start. I don't know that the disease, the infection, the defect, or whatever the hell you want to call it--I don't know that it ever goes away, because it's there. I feel it at times, a craving will come over me, a blip on my mind's radar of what once was, and could easily be again. But I know, from experience, there isn't a way to maintain what was, that I'll pick up where I left off, and it's possible that I won't return. I wish, very much at times, that I could just make it go away, that I could take back all of the things that have gone on as a result of my substance abuse, but I can't take it back. On one hand, I try to look at it as a blessing and not a scarlet letter...

For the rest of this entry, please see my blog: http://wp.me/s233cV-696

For a long time, almost immediately after publication, I suppressed this book, and limited all ebook and paperback copies available for it. I did this out of fear, out of shame, maybe for being a writer, maybe for what I've written. I have been tackling this notion for a long time, and that's the re-release of this book. I plan to release the original raw version (that I since suppressed), in which I wrote during times I was battling delirium tremens, hysteria, and severe depression. The original plan was to write this book and then shoot myself. I guess I didn't end up cashing my own check, and as a result of it I was consumed by fear and shame, and for a long time, it haunted me. I continued making changes to the book, until I eventually pulled it down from everywhere.

I never wanted to change this version, because I looked back on it as art. So, that is why I'm planning to release the original version in all its sometimes confusing and random glory, and also editing an amended version, which removes two of the chapters, making the book slightly less sporadic, but adds some new content, making it version 1.5 (tentatively to be known as "My Mind's Abyss: Relapse". I am currently working on book #2, which is tentatively being called, "My Mind's Abyss: Aftermath (The Art of Dying)".

So, for those of you who've been trying to obtain a copy, it'll soon be coming available, for better or worse, I suppose. I hope I'll not disappoint anyone. Thank you everyone for your interest and your support.

The Drug of You

If poetry had a taste,
it’d taste like you;
sweet and sour,
but still sticky like glue
And if you were a pill for popping,
you’d be blue;
because you bring me up,
and let me down used, not abused
I’d get a prescription for
60 MG of I don’t hate you,
and stay limp,
staring like a statue
But you can’t be any of those;
yours is from a needle not meant for tattoos,
and mine is sold in bars
from 11 am ‘til 2
And on street corners,
bought with I.O.U.’s;
writing poems;
being dealt a deuce;
you, me, and drug abuse

© 2012 Volatalistic Phil, White Wedding Lies, and Discontent: An American Love Story

http://wp.me/p233cV-co

Baby, We Tried

Against better ideas and against the empirical odds,
we were scathed and drifted the naked halls
Destined for something, to find an answer,
a soft cry, a reason why, for something to try
We found each other—you and I

As quiet as the soot black gorgeous midnight skies,
and hidden deep behind the safety of the palisades
that were lined with decorative crystal vines—
Like a bloodhound, you sniffed on by,
and lit up a trail of smoke, like an S.O.S. cry

Denying the diva of a new way,
I cut across the darkened freeway
I lit flares to defy the empty skies,
deep into late hours of hazy red eyes

This cowboy went to the saloon,
singing and marching to his own tune,
already drunk and not even noon
Make way for me, make some room

A mind’s infected screams and cries—
Bone rot, organs of blight; I continued,
and drank me and my wallet dry
You continued to reach for the stars,
and you continued your carpet ride
Stole parts of me; lost you in those nights

Our ignorance was never considered
a given, nor a try for admittance,
and we didn’t, we didn’t, we didn’t
Instead, it was through our reluctance
that we discovered our bleeding wounds

We couldn’t be found in consonants,
because we were laying in vowels,
but mostly just ‘u’ and ‘i’
and we both know, love,
we know the reasons ‘y’
But at least we can reflect
on what was, and say we tried

My blog: http://wp.me/233cV

© 2012 Volatalistic Phil, Jet Lag

My Mind's Abyss (Suicide Edition) is free on Amazon Kindle from 11/22/13 until 11/26/13.

Get a copy!

Happy Thanksgiving!

My Mind's Abyss (Suicide Edition)

Kindle: http://www.amazon.com/Minds-Abyss-Sui...

This book is free to ALL KINDLE markets. This includes: #Canada, #UK, #Germany, #Italy, #Japan, #Mexico, #Brazil, France, #India, #Spain and #Australia

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1...

My Mind's Abyss is free on Amazon #Kindle until May 19, 2014. Get a copy and let me know what you think. Thanks!

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00EY363QO