Harry Whitewolf's Blog - Posts Tagged "fiction"
50 Books I'll Never Write.
By Harry Whitewolf.
1. Hilary Pitta And The Chamber Of Baguettes.
2. The Whistle Blower Referee.
3. Better Than Shakespeare.
4. God's Last Sausage.
5. Get-Together-And-Have-Some-Nice-Cake-Instead-Of-Fighting Club.
6. The Genres Keep Getting Younger Games.
7. The Greatest, Steam-punk, Bum-drunk, Jam-funk, Slam-dunk Of Naughty Dystopian Nightmare Sci-fi Thrills With Enough Ker-pow To Kill The Genre Dead Book Ever Written!!!
8. My Boring Dad Is The Head Of The Illuminati.
9. The Ruff Guide To Dogs.
10. An Idiot's Guide To Idiot Guides.
11. Cutting Corners: How To Pack Sandwiches Successfully.
12. Blank.
13. Smiley Face Emoticon.
14. Forget The Money And The Career, You're Going To Die.
15. Super Sarcastic And The Satirical Sidekick.
16. Young Fonzie.
17. The Help Your Self Be Selfish For Your Soul Help Secret Soul Help Book.
18. This Is A Trashy Romance And Yet You're Still Gonna Read It!
19. Some Vampires Who Fall In Love With Satan's Cock Whilst Battling Against Werewolves, Monsters, Demons and Dumb Blondes With Big Swords.
20. Describing The Invisible World.
21. Txt Bk. :)
22. Lolita 2: Lol!
23. The Worst Book Ever Written.
24. Sham, Pain And Champagne.
25. Everybody's Reading This, So It's Either Great Or Crap.
26. The Annotated Phone Book.
27. Dark Something.
28. Cold Something.
29. Hard Something: The Revenge.
30. The White House Murders.
31. Keep Off The Grass: A Guide For Parents With Teenage Stoners.
32. The Holy Bible 2: The Next Generation.
33. How To Juggle Cornish Pasties Whilst Simultaneously Strangling Chickens.
34. A Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables.
35. The Most Famous Pelican In The World.
36. The Tip Top Hip Hop Flip Flop Chip Shop Scandal.
37. Tony Blair Is A Wanker (And I Can Prove It).
38. The City And Sex: Feminism In The Twenty First Century.
39. Blink: A Short Ironic Epic.
40. Oh! The Hokey Cokey For Beginners.
41. How To Become Homeless In 3 Easy Steps.
42. Conversations With Cod.
43. Publish a Book Like This And Earn Millions Just Like Me! (Including 100 Exclusive Tips!)
44. So You Want To Be A Mass Murderer?
45. Charlie And The Chick-Lit Factory.
46. Naked Breakfast.
47. Extra Terrestrial Politics – Part One.
48. Time Is Just A T.V Show.
49. Fifty Shades Of Shit.
50. The Book Of The Film Of The Book That Was Never Made.
1. Hilary Pitta And The Chamber Of Baguettes.
2. The Whistle Blower Referee.
3. Better Than Shakespeare.
4. God's Last Sausage.
5. Get-Together-And-Have-Some-Nice-Cake-Instead-Of-Fighting Club.
6. The Genres Keep Getting Younger Games.
7. The Greatest, Steam-punk, Bum-drunk, Jam-funk, Slam-dunk Of Naughty Dystopian Nightmare Sci-fi Thrills With Enough Ker-pow To Kill The Genre Dead Book Ever Written!!!
8. My Boring Dad Is The Head Of The Illuminati.
9. The Ruff Guide To Dogs.
10. An Idiot's Guide To Idiot Guides.
11. Cutting Corners: How To Pack Sandwiches Successfully.
12. Blank.
13. Smiley Face Emoticon.
14. Forget The Money And The Career, You're Going To Die.
15. Super Sarcastic And The Satirical Sidekick.
16. Young Fonzie.
17. The Help Your Self Be Selfish For Your Soul Help Secret Soul Help Book.
18. This Is A Trashy Romance And Yet You're Still Gonna Read It!
19. Some Vampires Who Fall In Love With Satan's Cock Whilst Battling Against Werewolves, Monsters, Demons and Dumb Blondes With Big Swords.
20. Describing The Invisible World.
21. Txt Bk. :)
22. Lolita 2: Lol!
23. The Worst Book Ever Written.
24. Sham, Pain And Champagne.
25. Everybody's Reading This, So It's Either Great Or Crap.
26. The Annotated Phone Book.
27. Dark Something.
28. Cold Something.
29. Hard Something: The Revenge.
30. The White House Murders.
31. Keep Off The Grass: A Guide For Parents With Teenage Stoners.
32. The Holy Bible 2: The Next Generation.
33. How To Juggle Cornish Pasties Whilst Simultaneously Strangling Chickens.
34. A Coffee Table Book About Coffee Tables.
35. The Most Famous Pelican In The World.
36. The Tip Top Hip Hop Flip Flop Chip Shop Scandal.
37. Tony Blair Is A Wanker (And I Can Prove It).
38. The City And Sex: Feminism In The Twenty First Century.
39. Blink: A Short Ironic Epic.
40. Oh! The Hokey Cokey For Beginners.
41. How To Become Homeless In 3 Easy Steps.
42. Conversations With Cod.
43. Publish a Book Like This And Earn Millions Just Like Me! (Including 100 Exclusive Tips!)
44. So You Want To Be A Mass Murderer?
45. Charlie And The Chick-Lit Factory.
46. Naked Breakfast.
47. Extra Terrestrial Politics – Part One.
48. Time Is Just A T.V Show.
49. Fifty Shades Of Shit.
50. The Book Of The Film Of The Book That Was Never Made.
Farquhar the Phoenix: a taste of ReejecttIIon.
Finding an idea for a story isn’t too difficult. Finding a really good story idea, however, is harder than a skinhead Rottweiler from Glasgow named Reggie Kray wielding a machete.
Some ideas just come, and as much as they plead with me to be written, they seem unable to evolve beyond that simple germ of an idea. So it is with this short piece entitled Farquhar the Phoenix, which was rejected from the final edit of the upcoming book ReejecttIIon: A Number Two, the sequel to that marvellous writer and all-round good bloke Daniel Clausen’s Reejecttion – which you can read for absolutely free here:
http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t...
(Hell, if I can write for a sequel when I had nothing to do with the original, I might make it as a Hollywood script writer yet!)
The short tale of Farquhar the Phoenix may not have made the cut for ReejecttIIon, but as is the habit of that particular breed of birds, it has now risen from the dead…
FARQUHAR THE PHOENIX
by Harry Whitewolf
“Oi mate! Are you a phoenix?” a spotty adolescent yelled aggressively.
“Er… no,” lied Farquhar the phoenix, as he began to quicken his step down the dark side street and ignore the bunch of youngsters who were striding towards him. “I’m a pigeon,” he said, pulling his coat collar up.
“He is!” said one of the youths. “He’s a phoenix all right!” And they began to circle Farquhar.
“Oh, won’t you just leave me alone?” Farquhar shouted. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for an old bird like me to survive in such a depressingly divisive and aggravating modern world of bigotry?”
As Farquhar said those words, one of the kids lunged forwards with a rather large knife. He stuck it deep into Farquhar’s jugular and blood cartoonly spluttered out, as the other kids all jeered and cheered their mate on. The phoenix instantly died and dispersed into ash before WHOOSH! – great flames quickly rose up and Farquhar came back to life; as was the habit of phoenices.
The teenager who had stabbed Farquhar leant in to the last of the flames with a cigarette. “Thanks mate,” he said. “I needed a light.”
“Do you mind?” asked Farquhar, very unhappily. The kids just laughed, shouted and called him names before running off.
“Oh… dear….” sighed Farquhar. “Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…” It was the fourth time he’d been killed this week and Farquhar was fed up with it. There would always be some joker who would spot that Farquhar was a phoenix and spontaneously decide to murder him. Just for a laugh. There were plenty of YouTube videos showing Farquhar being shot, kicked, drowned, trampled on, decapitated, exploded… and any number of other ways you can kill a bird. All done to just see the phoenix rise from the dead in flames of glory; for damn entertainment. “Why can’t people just leave me alone?” asked Farquhar. “I’m not some goddamn toy!” He was fed up. Indeed, Farquhar was more than fed up. In fact, he was way past clinical depression. Actually, Farquhar the phoenix was completely suicidal.
*
As Farquhar walked down the street, he lit up a cigarette of his own. Some old woman ambled past saying, “You shouldn’t smoke you know! It’s bad for your health.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” replied Farquhar, before crossing the road and disappearing into the corner shop to buy two bottles of whisky and a twelve pack of beer that would accompany his solitary evening alone in his smelly basement flat. Like every night.
Farquhar had had enough of living. He was stuck. Completely trapped. There was no way out.
So if you ever think you’ve had it bad, remember it could be worse. You could be a suicidal phoenix.
Some ideas just come, and as much as they plead with me to be written, they seem unable to evolve beyond that simple germ of an idea. So it is with this short piece entitled Farquhar the Phoenix, which was rejected from the final edit of the upcoming book ReejecttIIon: A Number Two, the sequel to that marvellous writer and all-round good bloke Daniel Clausen’s Reejecttion – which you can read for absolutely free here:
http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t...
(Hell, if I can write for a sequel when I had nothing to do with the original, I might make it as a Hollywood script writer yet!)
The short tale of Farquhar the Phoenix may not have made the cut for ReejecttIIon, but as is the habit of that particular breed of birds, it has now risen from the dead…
FARQUHAR THE PHOENIX
by Harry Whitewolf
“Oi mate! Are you a phoenix?” a spotty adolescent yelled aggressively.
“Er… no,” lied Farquhar the phoenix, as he began to quicken his step down the dark side street and ignore the bunch of youngsters who were striding towards him. “I’m a pigeon,” he said, pulling his coat collar up.
“He is!” said one of the youths. “He’s a phoenix all right!” And they began to circle Farquhar.
“Oh, won’t you just leave me alone?” Farquhar shouted. “Do you have any idea how hard it is for an old bird like me to survive in such a depressingly divisive and aggravating modern world of bigotry?”
As Farquhar said those words, one of the kids lunged forwards with a rather large knife. He stuck it deep into Farquhar’s jugular and blood cartoonly spluttered out, as the other kids all jeered and cheered their mate on. The phoenix instantly died and dispersed into ash before WHOOSH! – great flames quickly rose up and Farquhar came back to life; as was the habit of phoenices.
The teenager who had stabbed Farquhar leant in to the last of the flames with a cigarette. “Thanks mate,” he said. “I needed a light.”
“Do you mind?” asked Farquhar, very unhappily. The kids just laughed, shouted and called him names before running off.
“Oh… dear….” sighed Farquhar. “Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear…” It was the fourth time he’d been killed this week and Farquhar was fed up with it. There would always be some joker who would spot that Farquhar was a phoenix and spontaneously decide to murder him. Just for a laugh. There were plenty of YouTube videos showing Farquhar being shot, kicked, drowned, trampled on, decapitated, exploded… and any number of other ways you can kill a bird. All done to just see the phoenix rise from the dead in flames of glory; for damn entertainment. “Why can’t people just leave me alone?” asked Farquhar. “I’m not some goddamn toy!” He was fed up. Indeed, Farquhar was more than fed up. In fact, he was way past clinical depression. Actually, Farquhar the phoenix was completely suicidal.
*
As Farquhar walked down the street, he lit up a cigarette of his own. Some old woman ambled past saying, “You shouldn’t smoke you know! It’s bad for your health.”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” replied Farquhar, before crossing the road and disappearing into the corner shop to buy two bottles of whisky and a twelve pack of beer that would accompany his solitary evening alone in his smelly basement flat. Like every night.
Farquhar had had enough of living. He was stuck. Completely trapped. There was no way out.
So if you ever think you’ve had it bad, remember it could be worse. You could be a suicidal phoenix.
Another short story rejected from ReejecttIIon.
Author Daniel Clausen and I are continuing to edit our upcoming book, so it's time for a great guest blog post from Daniel:
Politics Wins! A Story Cut from ReejecttIIon for Political Reasons.
This story just got cut from “ReejecttIIon - A number 2.”
Still, writing about politics has got me in the mood to “stump” for my book. I feel like a good stump speech should be like a nascar race -- lots of drinking and people going around in circles. Thus, I submit this reejectted story for all the middle class Americans who just want politicians to be sensible again -- to solve their problems the way our forefathers did, by sitting on top of monster trucks with javelins and trying to knock each other off or impale each other. It’s like ol’ Frank used to say, you can’t make meatballs without squeezing a bull’s testicles, and wherever you find an omelet, it’s like trying to walk on eggshells.
Well, I’m not a man trying to walk on eggshells. But I do have the courage to squeeze a bull’s ball if it means getting some shit done, especially a fine meatball spaghetti. Which is exactly what this country is about -- making shit! Omelets, meatballs, or synthetic bull’s testicles (none of mine are imported from China!)
What it all comes down to is this -- you should read the first “Reejecttion” book here: http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t... or here: https://www.goodreads.com/reader/5905... -- if you love your country or you have nothing to do with the next hour of your life.
As for the sequel -- “ReejecttIIon - a number 2” for president 2016!
***
The Untimely Demise of Frank Hand
(a political memoir by Frank Hand’s Mustache)
Long after the mustache had gone out of fashion, he had a big, thick, dirty one.
Legend had it that his mustache was cloned from hair plucked from Tom Selleck’s mustache which had been genetically modified to give off the impression of ruggedness.
He wore T-shirts and jeans. He prefaced everything with, “I don’t want to make a political statement, but...”
He made jokes that weren’t quite jokes. And he talked with an accent that made him sound slightly Mexican. But he wasn’t Mexican. Not one bit.
He was dirty. None of his advisers knew how he got that coat of dirt. His critics claimed that he would coat himself with special dirt imported from the Egyptian desert. They also claimed that he was an East Coast liberal that had been coached to act the way he did by a Berkeley-educated anthropologist.
Frank Hand, when accused of these things by a conservative radio host, stroked his mustache and said, “The East Coast. I have a cousin up there who wants to get into the radio business. You oughta help a feller out.”
Not sure what Frank was talking about, the radio host stopped in his tracks a full five seconds. Five seconds of dead air. Legend has it that the radio host’s head exploded right there on the spot.
Legend also has it that when Frank Hand saw the mess of the exploded head, he said, “Somebody oughta do something about that.”
Confused about how to handle Frank Hand, the conservatives employed two candidates, the smartest conservative they could find, and an oil baron who employed the slogan, “I’ll drill that economy so hard, she’ll scream jobs!”
To which Frank Hand replied, “Sure, you guys are gonna do that, because that’s what you do. But what about the other guys?”
And finally, after ten years in office, when people had a general sense that things were improving for some at least, a new conservative opponent finally said on national television, “Frank Hand is a demon.”
And then, Frank finally made his first political faux pas when he said, not really paying attention to what had been said, “Somebody ought to do something about that.”
That was the end of Frank.
Legend has it his mustache moved on and flourished as a city councilman somewhere in Arkansas.
Politics Wins! A Story Cut from ReejecttIIon for Political Reasons.
This story just got cut from “ReejecttIIon - A number 2.”
Still, writing about politics has got me in the mood to “stump” for my book. I feel like a good stump speech should be like a nascar race -- lots of drinking and people going around in circles. Thus, I submit this reejectted story for all the middle class Americans who just want politicians to be sensible again -- to solve their problems the way our forefathers did, by sitting on top of monster trucks with javelins and trying to knock each other off or impale each other. It’s like ol’ Frank used to say, you can’t make meatballs without squeezing a bull’s testicles, and wherever you find an omelet, it’s like trying to walk on eggshells.
Well, I’m not a man trying to walk on eggshells. But I do have the courage to squeeze a bull’s ball if it means getting some shit done, especially a fine meatball spaghetti. Which is exactly what this country is about -- making shit! Omelets, meatballs, or synthetic bull’s testicles (none of mine are imported from China!)
What it all comes down to is this -- you should read the first “Reejecttion” book here: http://issuu.com/danielclausen/docs/t... or here: https://www.goodreads.com/reader/5905... -- if you love your country or you have nothing to do with the next hour of your life.
As for the sequel -- “ReejecttIIon - a number 2” for president 2016!
***
The Untimely Demise of Frank Hand
(a political memoir by Frank Hand’s Mustache)
Long after the mustache had gone out of fashion, he had a big, thick, dirty one.
Legend had it that his mustache was cloned from hair plucked from Tom Selleck’s mustache which had been genetically modified to give off the impression of ruggedness.
He wore T-shirts and jeans. He prefaced everything with, “I don’t want to make a political statement, but...”
He made jokes that weren’t quite jokes. And he talked with an accent that made him sound slightly Mexican. But he wasn’t Mexican. Not one bit.
He was dirty. None of his advisers knew how he got that coat of dirt. His critics claimed that he would coat himself with special dirt imported from the Egyptian desert. They also claimed that he was an East Coast liberal that had been coached to act the way he did by a Berkeley-educated anthropologist.
Frank Hand, when accused of these things by a conservative radio host, stroked his mustache and said, “The East Coast. I have a cousin up there who wants to get into the radio business. You oughta help a feller out.”
Not sure what Frank was talking about, the radio host stopped in his tracks a full five seconds. Five seconds of dead air. Legend has it that the radio host’s head exploded right there on the spot.
Legend also has it that when Frank Hand saw the mess of the exploded head, he said, “Somebody oughta do something about that.”
Confused about how to handle Frank Hand, the conservatives employed two candidates, the smartest conservative they could find, and an oil baron who employed the slogan, “I’ll drill that economy so hard, she’ll scream jobs!”
To which Frank Hand replied, “Sure, you guys are gonna do that, because that’s what you do. But what about the other guys?”
And finally, after ten years in office, when people had a general sense that things were improving for some at least, a new conservative opponent finally said on national television, “Frank Hand is a demon.”
And then, Frank finally made his first political faux pas when he said, not really paying attention to what had been said, “Somebody ought to do something about that.”
That was the end of Frank.
Legend has it his mustache moved on and flourished as a city councilman somewhere in Arkansas.
A FREE KINDLE BOOK I HEARTILY RECOMMEND!
Maybe you’ll think I’m biased in my opinion about the book Danny Reluctant, as it was written by a friend of mine. Well, you can go ahead and think that if you want, but I know I’m being completely honest when I say I loved the book whole heartedly! So I invite readers to take a chance on this debut novel from the latest indie author on the block, which comes with a Five Star Whitewolf Recommendation.
It’s currently permanently FREE on Kindle, so be sure to grab a copy:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/bKDZcA6
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/0cfhmmh
Many thanks y’all, and here’s my review:
Coming of age tales don’t come much better than this.
It’s universally relatable, funny, sad, engrossing and extremely well written; especially for a debut.
At the start of this novel, Danny is a shy and unworldly teenager with his nose stuck in On The Road. He knows nothing of girls, drugs, booze or rock ‘n’ roll in the real world, but when rebellious Stan drags him into being lead singer of his band, Danny’s world changes pretty much overnight.
This story captures that moment of youth where suddenly the floodgates are open and the world changes into a cacophony of music, good times and adolescent discoveries -a moment that most of us will have lived through, whether you were in a band yourself, had mates in a band or just suddenly discovered the power of music that can reverberate right through to your soul.
The clever thing about this story is that it will appeal to a teen audience just as much as it will appeal to older readers. If you’re currently going through the kind of tribulations and adventures that Danny’s having, this book will feel like a comforting friend who’s there to share the ride with you. And if you’re long in the tooth, it will make you reminisce about the time you discovered sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll: forget school days being the best days of your life, we all know the best days of our lives were when we began to explore the aforementioned.
But this book is far from being all about the music and highs. The subplot of Danny wanting to know his absent father (as well as Danny turning into an adult of his own making; rather than what his peers are perhaps making him into) soon becomes the main plot at hand, if you’re paying attention, where there’s an abundance of sentimental and emotional moments.
Will Stan and Danny’s band make it to the big time? They’re soon tipped to be the next big thing, but the boys’ destructive relationship might just screw the whole thing up (like so many great bands), so who knows. And will Danny ever find his dad? Maybe that’s even more important than the band becoming famous.
There’s a great cast of characters throughout this book, but it’s Stan who has the starring role as the most memorable; the cocky, selfish, up-for-anything lad is one of those true great narcissistic, self-destructive characters of fiction.
A pretty simple story in its premise, elevated by superb writing and plenty of depth under the surface, Danny Reluctant is a rollicking, rock ‘n’ roll tale unlike any other. So roll a fatty boom blatty, put some Stones on the turntable, crank the volume up to 11, and read this great book.
The Anti-Austerity Anthology - a book for charity - OUT NOW!
I’ve been busy editing this book with authors Rupert Dreyfus and Mike Robbins for some time, and we are very pleased to announce that The Anti-Austerity Anthology is now available!
All proceeds from this book will go to food bank charities, so you will not just be getting to read a cracking collection of short stories, poems and essays by purchasing a copy, you will also be giving to a very worthwhile cause.
We’re chuffed that we have a blinding foreword by journalist and activist Steve Topple, who has regularly written for The Canary, The Independent, Morning Star and other publications. You’ll also find powerful poems by the likes of Bradford Middleton, M. J. Black and Andy Carrington, a hilarious and hard-hitting story by Rupert Dreyfus, an emotional and thought-provoking story by Riya Anne Polcastro, a humorous horror tale by Rebecca Gransden, a poignant essay by Mike Robbins and many, many more fantastic and passionate works by some of the indie author scene’s most talented and radical writers. As for my own contributions, the anthology includes some pieces I’ve published elsewhere as well as four spanking brand-new poems! Woohoo!
And let’s not forget the main point of doing this book, other than giving all proceeds to charity: austerity is still a cancer on society that’s continuing to spread. The divide between the rich and the poor is widening all the time. The contributors of this book are standing up and making a noise about the draconian nature of modern austerity, so by buying a copy, telling your friends and spreading the word, you’ll be a part of The Anti-Austerity Collective yourselves. Never give up hope, y’all!
Thank you to every one of the mightily talented contributors of this book. And thank you to all who are taking a stand against austerity.
You can find the Kindle and paperback editions of The Anti-Austerity Anthology here:
Paperback:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/d/19D9ymP
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/d/fw8tPF9
Kindle:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/d/3YQJ6zb
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/d/9gt11YR
Peace,
Harry.
The Canary's Article About Our Book For Charity.
The Anti-Austerity Anthology, our newly-released book for food bank charities, which I co-edited and contributed to, has been featured in The Canary!
Check out the article by Steve Topple, who wrote the foreword to the anthology here
For those of you who don't know, The Canary is a well-known news media outlet in the UK, which has the purpose "to disrupt the status quo of the UK and international journalism, by creating content that compels audiences to view the world differently".
And a big thank you to everyone who has been supporting and promoting the book. At the time of writing, the anthology is number 4 in Anthologies on Amazon, UK. So it looks like we're going to be making a big wad of cash for charity.
If you want to retweet The Canary article, you can do so here
Paperback:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/d/19D9ymP
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/d/fw8tPF9
Kindle:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/d/3YQJ6zb
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/d/9gt11YR
Keep on loving one another,
Harry.
Check out the article by Steve Topple, who wrote the foreword to the anthology here
For those of you who don't know, The Canary is a well-known news media outlet in the UK, which has the purpose "to disrupt the status quo of the UK and international journalism, by creating content that compels audiences to view the world differently".
And a big thank you to everyone who has been supporting and promoting the book. At the time of writing, the anthology is number 4 in Anthologies on Amazon, UK. So it looks like we're going to be making a big wad of cash for charity.
If you want to retweet The Canary article, you can do so here
Paperback:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/d/19D9ymP
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/d/fw8tPF9
Kindle:
Amazon.com: http://a.co/d/3YQJ6zb
Amazon.co.uk: http://amzn.eu/d/9gt11YR
Keep on loving one another,
Harry.
