Vincent Boateng's Blog

Many of us consider ourselves patient. Oh yes, very patient! We even laugh in rush hour traffic, and allow other drivers to cut in front of us. So why does it drive you crazy when your partner takes longer than normal to get ready for church or some outing? Why do you act like a mad dog when your partner crashes your car, or answers a call from an ex? Why do these things bother you so much?

We all know patience is a virtue. And we know we need to be patient and understanding every day in our relationships in order to enjoy a truly happy and lasting relationship. But patience doesn’t come easily to all of us. Some of us are impatient as a result of our own upbringing by parents who may not have had much patience. Others are impatient as a result of their own attitudes, feelings and unrealistic expectations. But we all have an inner “coolness” that is always waiting to come out if we will allow it.

Here are a few steps you can take to develop more patience in your relationship:

Change your attitude

The first step to developing more patience is to change your attitude. Quit being a perfectionist or a fault-finder. If you want everything to be sane, clean, and orderly all the time in your house and in your life, then you need to live by yourself; you don’t need a partner. But if you are willing to tolerate another person’s mistakes and imperfections, to correct them gently and lovingly when necessary, and to overlook some of the things they do which you don’t like, all because you love them, then you have the right attitude that will guarantee you stability in your relationship.

 

Don’t take things too seriously

If you want to keep your cool and enjoy a happy relationship, don’t take things too seriously. Allow your partner to be themselves. That means they’re going to make friends with other people (male and female); they’re going to be angry sometimes or quiet and not as lively as you’d expect; they’re going to have days when they feel too tired to cook (your favorite meal) or clean the house; they’ll probably want to spend some time alone sometimes; they’re going to need to spend a little more time and money to look good and sexy sometimes; and sometimes they’ll want to do things their own way.

The key here is not to go ballistic when these things happen. Accepting the fact that these things will happen, will help you to keep your cool when they do happen. Don’t take it too seriously and lose your patience over it. If you love your partner, don’t take out your anger or frustrations on them.

 

Try to make sense of your partner’s actions

Another way of finding patience is to try to make sense of your partner’s actions rather than criticizing them. If you find yourself questioning why your partner left the dishes in the sink, for example, then instead of growing angry over it, you can look at it in a curious manner and try to make sense of it. Maybe s/he was running late for work; or maybe s/he was too tired today. Try to put their actions into a better or positive perspective.

You may even realize that sometimes your partner does things just to get your attention, especially if they’re not getting enough of it in the first place. That means you have to spend more time with them and show more affection and love, and show appreciation for what they do.

 

Set realistic expectations

You may also lose your patience often because the expectations you have of your partner are unrealistic. For instance, you can’t expect your partner not to make friends with the opposite sex, or not to talk to friends they’ve had even longer than they’ve had you. Neither can you expect your partner not to communicate with the mother or father of their baby from a previous relationship with whom they have joint custody.

Relationships work better when we stop setting unrealistic expectations. Don’t try to micromanage every aspect of your partner’s life, because it will only drive both of you crazy and break up your relationship. Remember that “love is patient and kind.” (1 Corinthians 13:4).

If you do these things, you can keep your cool at all times and enjoy a happy and lasting relationship.

 

I worked for one of the largest retail stores in North America for a couple of years. They had field supervisors who periodically visited the stores to assess their performance and grade them. Stores that followed the company policies and met or exceeded the various performance metrics such as safety and sales targets, as well as customer satisfaction, payroll and cleanliness goals were graded as GREEN stores. The stores at the other end of the scale or low-performing stores were graded YELLOW or RED depending on how badly they performed. Over time, stores that consistently received a red rating got a new management team or got closed down altogether.

I believe the same grading concept is applicable to relationships. Healthy relationships are what I call GREEN RELATIONSHIPS. They are the kind of relationship that can be described (in business terms) as a continuing concern, which means they are assumed to live on forever or at least have the capacity to do so due to their current health or strength. We all know what green relationships look like:

The kind of relationship where there is always peace, love, understanding, care, cooperation, forgiveness and happiness all in abundance or even in excess.
The kind of relationship where both partners are content with each other, and are always happy and excited to see each other, and dearly miss each other when they are apart.
The kind of relationship that feels more like fun or pleasure rather than a chore or a tedious task.
The kind where there is trust.
The kind where disagreements and conflicts are a rare occurrence rather than a characteristic nature of the relationship; where partners can disagree and still do so with love, respect and a willingness to understand the other partner’s views without demonizing them.
The kind where compromise is not one partner’s trait but a shared trait of both partners.
Where conflict can occur without leaving an indelible emotional print on either of the partners.
Where the sight of a partner brings smiles and joy rather than sighs and worries.
Where each partner feels loved, respected, appreciated and understood.
Where helping each other feels pleasurable rather than stressful.
Where selfish motives are dropped to pave way for mutual benefits.
Where one partner’s success is celebrated as the couple’s success, and their challenges, failures and defeats borne together and overcome together.
Where carrying each other’s burden is embraced with joy even if the burden seems lopsided or one-sided.
Where continuously helping the other partner without getting an equal return doesn’t feel like an unfair business deal, but a blessed opportunity to show and give more love than you can receive.
Where each partner is always thinking of ways to “outlove,” “outhelp,” “outmotivate,” “outcare-for,” “outsupport” and “outunderstand” the other partner.
Where each partner concerns themselves more with helping the other rather than being helped; and where love, care, support and encouragement never dry out.
The kind of relationship where partners feel and act more like true partners rather than competitors.
Where partners strive to find common grounds rather than fuel their misunderstandings or differences.

These are the characteristics of a green relationship, and that is what I want every relationship to be. It is the kind of relationship that makes it happily through marriage and beyond – till death. Green relationships are consistently at their best irrespective of the challenges they may face. They are steadily joyful.

YELLOW RELATIONSHIPS are a mixed bag. They blow hot and cold. They are not necessarily bad, but they could be better, and both partners are usually aware of this fact. One day it feels like paradise, and the next day it feels like hell. One moment it feels like fun that never should end, and the next moment it feels like a tedious task that you wish you never signed up for. One moment you feel like you are in love, and the next moment you feel like you’d rather be alone. One moment you are arguing fiercely, and the next moment you’re happily riding on each other’s back at the beach. It is the kind of relationship that goes through a roller coaster of blissful peaks and depressing doldrums. Yellow relationships usually just need a little breath of fresh air, and often do very well after a good counseling or a peaceful pillow talk.

It should be noted that partners in a yellow relationship love each other, care for each other and are supportive of each other, but they are a little less understanding of each other, which tends to create problems for them.

This is the characteristic of many relationships today. Partners in a yellow relationship don’t feel completely satisfied with their relationships, and yet can’t pinpoint exactly what is ailing it or whose fault it is. They tend to point fingers at each other, resulting in frequent petty arguments. Such partners often have a strong desire to better their relationship rather than end it, but they often don’t know how to compromise on a solution partly because they can’t compromise on what the problem is either, and they allow their entrenched beliefs and egos to dictate their behaviors in the relationship. Thus yellow relationships are essentially their own enemies. All they need to stay stronger and become green is to find out what behaviors or actions result in the blissful peaks both partners enjoy and desire, and do more of those behaviors or actions. In other words, these partners need to tap into the positive energy that characterizes the happy moments in the relationship and make it last. They need to focus more on what they have in common and concentrate more on doing what makes each other happy. They also need to put their egos aside and be more understanding and tolerant of each other. They need to compromise more, because that is a necessary remedy for partners in such a relationship. Without these necessary steps, yellow relationships stand the risk of turning red rather than green.

RED RELATIONSHIPS are what you can safely call bad relationships. They are relationships whose continuous existence is very much in question. They are (to borrow a business term) a going concern, which means that there is serious doubt that they will live on for long. Such relationships are usually characterized by frequent fights and arguments involving name-calling, physical threats and intimidation, property destruction and physical attacks. They involve less communication or more irresponsible communication such as insults, silent and overt raging, and offensive gestures intended to intimidate the other partner. Red relationships are also characterized by vindictiveness, selfish motives, and apathy. Partners usually feel depressed about such a relationship and see it more as an unpleasant chore than a pleasurable experience. Sometimes these partners find pleasure in the fights and arguments. There is no peace in a red relationship. Partners in such relationships are not happy and usually stay in the relationship for other reasons other than being in love or wanting a more permanent relationship. The reason could be some material benefit they are getting or the fear or uncertainty about what might happen to them if they opt out. These relationships, however, eventually die out when the partners begin to recognize the overbearing weight of trying to keep it afloat.

Though a red relationship could be rescued through counseling and other interventions, partners in such relationships are often more pessimistic about a long-term future together and less interested in such interventions. Red relationships lack excitement and fun. Partners care less about each other and may resort to promiscuity or even start another relationship while they wait for its demise.

So what color is your relationship? Green, Yellow, or Red? Go Green!

If you are not getting enough sex in your marriage, you are not very happy, and your marriage may be going downhill. Here is a rescue plan:

1. Find out what the problem is

If you used to have deep passion in your marriage, then the question you first need to answer is: “Where did the passion go? And how did it happen?” You will probably realize that you or your spouse may have put some ‘passion blockers’ in the way, such as always bringing too much work home from the office, always keeping busy with something else and not making time for each other, etc. Unless one of you is cheating, the problem is often this simple: stealing time away from your sex life and giving it to other commitments. If that is the problem, then the solution is simple too: have a tender discussion with your partner about how you can make more time for sex. Sometimes you may have to help with the household chores so as to free up some time for your spouse to finish up other things early enough for you to have time for sex. The less each of you works on other chores, the more time and energy you’ll have to enjoy each other passionately. Another step you can take is to give your scale of preference a makeover by pushing sex up the list. Make it your priority to have more fire than ice in your relationship. This could also mean changing your lifestyle and having more romantic conversations and outings with your partner, decorating your bedroom with flowers, pictures and other sexually stimulating décor, and recommitting to your sex life. This leads us to the second point:

 

2. Bring sex(y) back

Sex is not like an article of clothing that you can just change into anytime irrespective of how you feel. It is a sensual and sensuous experience that also involves emotions, and often needs to be stimulated through a deliberate effort at seduction, and arousal of the senses – sight, touch, hearing, smell, and taste. You can constantly stimulate your partner’s sexual appetite by keeping yourself attractive through personal grooming, wearing sexy clothing, fixing your hair, maintaining healthy weight, using cologne and other fragrances on your body and in your bedroom; seducing your spouse by whispering sweet words into their ears, writing romantic notes for each other, going out on romantic dates with your partner, touching, massaging and kissing your partner and expressing affection for each other more often. All these actions will help you to bring sex back to the level it needs to be in your marriage. Over time, the transition from other activities to sex will become more natural and easy as you continue to develop sexual intimacy with your partner. That is when you will know that the flame is at its full glow and the passion is burning in your relationship. Also try to always invent new ways to enjoy your sex life. Get silly with each other sometimes, and be adventurous with your sexuality. Nothing creates sexual intimacy more than a couple on a sexual adventure together, always reinventing their sex life. Be that couple. Draw up a plan for reinvigorating your sex life, and work with it. Throw in some surprises now and then – a romantic getaway, a dinner date or movie night, etc. Relationships are not meant to be dull and boring. They rather should take the boredom out of life. Make the best use of the gift of your love and reignite the flame in your relationship.

 

3. Work on strengthening your overall relationship

When there are too many problems in your relationship, such as frequent arguments and fights, mistrust, jealousy, resentment and apprehension, your sex life naturally suffers. One way of putting passion back into your relationship is to address any other issues you may be having in the marriage at large. Work on being more loving and caring, supportive and giving, trusting and trustworthy. Also work on improving your communication and expressing your love and affection. You should try to create an atmosphere in your marriage that is accepting, playful and nonjudgmental. Your bedroom should be a comfortable and accepting place where you can both be yourselves, get naughty and have fun. Don’t repeatedly deny each other sex as a form of punishment, or by simply saying you’re not in the mood, because that is a sure recipe for cheating and conflicts. Even when you have to deny your spouse sex for good reason, do so gracefully in a way that doesn’t take a toll on their self esteem and block off their desire to initiate sex in the future. When there is love, peace and harmony in your marriage, sexual intimacy becomes a natural phenomenon and not a forced experience. Happy couples have the most sex and the best sex, of course.

 

Share your thoughts.

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For two days only, download a FREE copy of “How Aliens Fall in Love: A Practical Manual for the Serious Marriage-seeking Woman” by clicking on the link: How Aliens Fall in Love: http://www.amazon.com/How-Aliens-Fall-Love-Marriage-seeking-ebook/dp/B00SASKNHE/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

When you’re done reading the book, please review it on Amazon.

You’re not a good poet if you can’t see a poem

in this winter’s day. Look around you,

snow waving its white flag,

announcing a successful takeover of the landscape.

See how the sand and the salt collaborate with the snow

to paint each passing car.

Look how the sun illuminates your face

as you step in the snow unsure

of yourself like a child taking its first step.

See how the ice crushes under your feet

like pistachios. Even the way you’ve worn

your jacket like a book, your head covered like an Arab

is a poem begging to be written.

So go fish for the poem in this winter’s day.

Go perch yourself like a bird at the bus stop,

your hands deep inside your pockets like a thief.

Soon the bus will arrive needing no excuse for being late,

and you will board and disembark quietly

saving your gratitude for someone who deserves it.

This is a day filled with poems.

You yourself are an unwritten poem

the way you extend your hand like a beggar

for your free copy of the local newspaper,

the way you bury your nose in the paper on the train

devouring the major headlines

and then tossing it aside.

No wonder I can now see you sailing across the day

casting your mind this way, then that,

fishing for a poem, and catching yourself.

 

Marriage as a union means marriage is supposed to bring unity or oneness. “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). In marriage the two become one flesh; therefore, there’s no “me” and “you;” there’s only “us.” Understanding marriage as a transition from a state of independence to a state of interdependence will help you avoid many struggles.

A “me” mindset only seeks the happiness and welfare of the individual partner and is interpreted as selfishness. An “us” mindset, on the contrary, seeks the happiness of the couple and is interpreted as selflessness. It is selflessness and not selfishness that sustains a marriage. The moment each individual in a marriage gets stuck in a “me” mindset, they start seeking their selfish individual interests, competing against each other, criticizing, judging and tearing down each other, and their relationship ceases to be a marriage. It becomes two singles sharing a home and perhaps a bed.

A married couple is a single team. Thus as teammates in a marriage you strive for the same goal. You win together or lose together, so you cannot compete against each other or bring down each other. The moment you understand marriage this way, you’ll prioritize your partner’s happiness such that your happiness will never be complete unless your partner is happy. When each partner in a marriage reaches that level of understanding where their happiness is inextricably tied to the happiness of their spouse, they begin to experience a mutually satisfying and fulfilling marriage. This way of thinking and of being is what every marriage needs not just to survive but to thrive.