Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival took 40 + years to complete. Each time I sat down to write, the memories became overwhelming and I couldn’t continue.

For years I tried to write my story as "fiction" because I wasn’t ready for the world to know those bad things happened to me. But, that didn’t work. I wasn’t telling the truth and truth meant so much to me. I’d lived a life of nothing but hurt and lies, so how could I tell my story if it was all a lie?

I also had to keep the strong language I heard day in and day out, and I had to keep the explicit content as I remember it actually happened because there is no way to “sugarcoat” child abuse.

One day I sat down to try and write and I decided to change my name in the story. Everyone else had a different name to protect their identity, so why shouldn’t I have a different name, too? By changing my name to Sarah I was able to pull back and look at what I was writing through Sarah’s eyes.

By doing this, everything that actually happened to me, I was able to “pretend” it happened to Sarah, not me. In a way, I guess she was like an imaginary friend, guiding me to do what I needed to do.

Deep down I always knew I needed to tell what happened. I needed to admit I was a survivor of child abuse. I needed to find a path toward healing my shame. Yes, shame. I blamed myself for what happened. I felt ashamed and dirty. I felt I was a “bad” kid and that’s why Daddy, his brother and so many more did those things to me.

However, with Sarah’s help, I was able to look at my feelings. I was able to face all the horrible things done to me. But no matter what went down in black and white, I still loved my father so much. And I hated myself for that! Over the years as more and more memories returned, I began to hate him even more than I hated myself for loving him.

The things he did to me…things he allowed others to do to me, were unforgivable.

A parent is supposed to protect their children, not hurt them or abuse them. My father wasn’t one of the good parents. He was cruel. He only cared about himself and his own “needs” that he forced me to fulfill.

The terror I felt the first time Daddy did “things” pushed me over the edge and I developed another personality. As I watched, from a safe place, the things Daddy made her do, I called her my guardian angel.

I believed in my angel who protected me time and again, but I didn’t believe God existed. All I could think was: If God did exist, why would He let me and my angel be hurt so badly?

As the abuse escalated, my angel couldn’t handle it all, so more personalities were needed to protect me. Like my angel, each new protector looked similar to me, and all but one was a little older than I was at the time. My angel became the guardian, not only of me, but the others as well. As time went on she had to protect all of us, and I know if it wasn’t for my angel and the others taking care of me, protecting me, I would have died.

When I finally finished writing my story, I prayed it would help others still suffering. I hoped it would help save another child from abuse. What happened to me was the most extreme abuse, but it doesn’t take extreme to mess up a kid’s head.

Not long after my book came out, my prayers were answered. I received a message from a reader after she’d finished my first book, and I learned all the pain I had to relive during the writing was worth it because one survivor was helped! She had found her path toward healing!

By reading what happened to me, she realized she was not alone and healing was possible for her, too. Today, she is living the life she’d been denied for so long. She is happy, maybe for the first time in her life.

Since that first message, I have received numerous more messages thanking me for having the courage to tell my story; thanking me for helping them. And, I’ve also received messages from people who didn’t know the damages child abuse could do to a kid until they read my heartbreaking story.

These people are now more aware of the children around them. They are aware of the signs that a child is possibly being abused. They can now help prevent child abuse just from their knowledge learned by reading my story.

Hearing these fantastic stories from my readers did meet what I originally hoped and prayed to achieve by sharing my life, but I have received so much more than I asked for in my prayers. I have received the best gift of all…everyone of these wonderful people who’s contacted me are now lifelong friends.

To learn more about me and my story, please visit my website. Read the bitter memories trilogy and tell others about me and my story. By you helping spread the word, knowledge will change the lives of so many still suffering; so many still being abused.

Join with me to help prevent many more children from having to learn what child abuse feels like. Together we can make a difference in a child’s life.

The trilogy: Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival, Trophy Murders, and Cutter’s Revenge

Newest book: From The Heart: A Collection of Poems and Stories

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen