Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "abuse"

Dreams...

A new life of: Happiness and Health

A new life without: Fear or Pain or Sorrow

Who am I?

I am a survivor of child abuse…

I am the author of Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. Although my story is heart-wrenching, it’s also a story of my fight for survival in a world of hunger, abuse and fear while on the run from the police and my family left behind after I was kidnapped by my father in the middle of the night. I was only three years old.

My story is an unnervingly gripping account of the extremes of neglect and mistreatment a child can undergo — and still survive. However, I didn’t do this alone. I had wonderful guardian angels to help me. I was so terrified from the abuse that I split into multiple personalities just to survive.

My book tells all. I didn’t hold back any feelings whatsoever, using “colorful” language that went right along with these feelings. Bitter Memories took 40+ years to write because the pain of remembering was so powerful, so overwhelming, I had to change my name in the book, like I was writing about someone else, not me, just so I could write my life story. Names of everyone involved were changed to protect the innocent—and the guilty.

My story was told to help other child abuse survivors know they are not alone. There are others who understand and won’t look down on them. By sharing my life story, other survivors can come forward and find a path toward healing their pain.

My dream is to help rid the world of child abuse. By survivors telling our stories, the horrors of this national epidemic can be changed. Together we can help protect our children and keep them safe.

Who am I?

I am a survivor with a dream…

You can visit my website to learn more. http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Dreams...

A new life of: Happiness and Health

A new life without: Fear or Pain or Sorrow

Who am I?

I am a survivor of child abuse…

I am the author of Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. Although my story is heart-wrenching, it’s also a story of my fight for survival in a world of hunger, abuse and fear while on the run from the police and my family left behind after I was kidnapped by my father in the middle of the night. I was only three years old.

My story is an unnervingly gripping account of the extremes of neglect and mistreatment a child can undergo — and still survive. However, I didn’t do this alone. I had wonderful guardian angels to help me. I was so terrified from the abuse that I split into multiple personalities just to survive.

My book tells all. I didn’t hold back any feelings whatsoever, using “colorful” language that went right along with these feelings. Bitter Memories took 40+ years to write because the pain of remembering was so powerful, so overwhelming, I had to change my name in the book, like I was writing about someone else, not me, just so I could write my life story. Names of everyone involved were changed to protect the innocent—and the guilty.

My story was told to help other child abuse survivors know they are not alone. There are others who understand and won’t look down on them. By sharing my life story, other survivors can come forward and find a path toward healing their pain.

My dream is to help rid the world of child abuse. By survivors telling our stories, the horrors of this national epidemic can be changed. Together we can help protect our children and keep them safe.

Who am I?

I am a survivor with a dream…

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Can you imagine the thoughts that would go through a little girl's head after being kidnapped in the middle of the night?

When Daddy took me from my bed telling me we were going on a trip, I was so excited. But, as he carried me out to the car—that he'd left running—I began to get scared. I didn't know why. I was with Daddy, afterall. And Daddy wouldn't do anything to hurt me...would he?

As he slowly drove away from the house I felt something was wrong. It wasn't until he neared the highway and told me to lie down and go back to sleep that I remembered Judy. I screamed for him to go back to the house. He'd picked me up so quickly that I'd left Judy, my doll, my best friend in the whole world, on my bed.

He just had to go back for her!

But Daddy only yelled and again told me to lie down and go to sleep. How could I sleep without Judy? I'd never been without her since my second birthday when Daddy had given her to me. I cried and cried and begged him to go back. He became furious, and with fire in his eyes, he turned around in the seat and told me to shut up about the damn doll. When I couldn't stop crying, he threatened if he had to pull the car over to the side of the road he would give me something to cry about.

It was then that I knew something else was wrong. Terribly wrong. Daddy had never hit me or yelled at me before. He was acting so mean; I believed I would be very sorry if he stopped the car. I also thought, by the way he was acting, that he didn't love me anymore. But how could that be? He was taking me on a trip, wasn't he?

As night turned to day and back to night again I began to wonder if I'd ever see my home again, my grandparents, or even my mother.

I felt so lost. So scared. So alone. What would I do if I lost Daddy? I had to stop making him mad at me! I worshipped Daddy. It was my fault he got mad and yelled at me. All I had to do was be a good girl and everything would be okay.

I didn't know how my life was going to change—forever...

I'll be adding more blogs, but if you can't wait, please visit my website to learn more about me and my book.
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

I watch them. Strangers walking down the street, smiling and laughing, and I wonder: What was their life like growing up? Did they have a normal life? Did their parents love them; tell them they were wanted? Were they told they were, and are, cherished?

As children, did they easily fit in with other kids, or go out of their way trying to fit in? Did they succeed, or were they laughed at? In a crowd, did they slink into a corner trying to be invisible? Did they get beatings—or whippings—or just grounded? Were they told how useless they were and they never should’ve been born?

As adults, do they have self-confidence or are they intimidated easily? Are they afraid to voice an opinion? Afraid of being ridiculed? Afraid of doing something wrong?

While watching these seemingly normal, happy men and women I wonder: Are their smiles are fake? Are they laughing outside, but crying inside?

Thanks to my father running off with me, most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I didn’t have a mother to confide in…to be my best friend. That dreadful night, as he drove away from the only home I’d ever known, I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

Starting at age three, my life was filled with sorrow, neglect and abuse—a life no child should ever experience. Hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me, I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate. I lived life on the run, starving, abused and terrified. So terrified, in order to survive, I split into multiple personalities. This disassociation allowed me to detach from the abuse as if it was not happening to me.

The first disassociation was with Daddy, but the number of times and the duration increased over the years as the abuse escalated. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, Daddy left me alone in the car for days while he went off with a woman. When he finally returned and told me he’d married her, I was devastated! I begged him to leave her, but he slapped me so hard I saw stars.

During the next two years, living with the evil stepmother, I found out just how bad things could get. She did awful things, but the worst—she sold me to her male friends for twenty bucks and a bottle of booze.

All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible things that had happened, but I couldn’t. I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For years I always wondered if I’d be a better person today if I’d had a normal life? What is normal anyway?

I wonder how many adult survivors have asked themselves that question? I’ve asked for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know. How could I? My life was as far from normal as it could possibly get.

Although unnerving, Bitter Memories is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and survive. Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars. My story deals with explosive topics that former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand.

My life was a living hell, one of extreme worst. But it doesn’t take extreme to mess up a child’s head. It doesn’t take extreme to drive a child beyond the breaking point.

Without professional help to deal with abuse issues, long term effects include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships.

Without help, abused kids continue to experience the trauma. Fear, insecurities, a sense of hopelessness prevents the child from living a happy, fulfilled life. Many times, as I did, victims relive their abuse in recurring nightmares.

Pain of abuse is so intense, yet victims feel they can’t talk to anyone about the abuse. They feel ashamed. They have low self esteem. In a crowd, they feel totally alone. Feelings of despair sets in; they believe the abuse was their fault; they’re being punished for being bad; life isn’t worth living. When this hidden pain inside becomes overwhelming, the victim is more likely to attempt suicide.

Child abuse, neglect and/or abduction are national epidemics. Sweeping it under the rug, or choosing to believe it doesn’t happen, won’t make it go away, nor does it change statistics: (1) Almost five children die daily from abuse in the United States. (2) Three million abuse reports—physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect—are made every year. (3) It’s estimated nearly 10 million cases will go unreported. (4) It’s estimated 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America today. (5) Girls are three times more likely to be sexually abused than boys, however, boys have a greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury than girls.

It doesn’t matter how abuse is inflicted, it still leaves a lasting impression on the victim. Homes in which women are beaten are at greater risk of having abused children. Children abused, as much as they don’t want to, often subject their own children to abuse.

If you see, or even suspect a child is being abused, report it immediately. It would be better to be wrong, than to be right and do nothing, and you may help save a child from a lifetime of heartache.

All an abused child needs is a chance and an environment full of love and kindness to show them how truly important they are.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

For the month of April 2012, order directly from me autographed copies of my books, Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival and its sequel, Trophy Murders and save 10% off the order. Both books must be ordered at the same time for discount.

Email me for more info and to order:
suejulsen.books@yahoo.com

Book 3 of the series will be out in a few months, so now's the chance to save on the first two before the next one is available.

Visit my website for more info:

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Excerpt from Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival --

"My name is Sarah, a little girl kidnapped by her father, trying to survive in a world of abuse, hunger, neglect, and terror.
This is a gripping, unforgettable, emotional journey.
This was my life..."

You can also go to amazon.com and read the first 3 chapters, and part of the forth for free.

Website: http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival tells the story of events that changed my life forever. This is a story of extreme child abuse, but also about the will to survive.

My story exposes a life on the run after being kidnapped by my father——a life of hunger, fear and abuse. When the FBI finds me and I return home with my mother, I think my life is going to improve...but does it?

NOTE: Strong language and heartbreaking content in Bitter Memories is not suitable for children.

TROPHY MURDERS is the creative non-fiction/crime fiction sequel, and is an action-packed story about a sadistic gang of killers, and the life of the cop (my uncle/adoptive father) who tries to bring justice and solace back to his little town while struggling to keep his own family secrets hidden.

CUTTER'S REVENGE, although mostly fiction, completes the trilogy with another ruthless serial killer stalking our small town. But this time years of secrets and lies are finally revealed ... and an ending to die for...

While BITTER MEMORIES is the actual true story of my life, TROPHY MURDERS and CUTTER'S REVENGE have a little bit of everything a reader will want: action, suspense, drama, a love story or two, and so much more; both mixed with truth, making this a trilogy you will not want to miss.

After reading Bitter Memories you'll know truth from the fiction included in the sequels of this series.

Please visit my website for more about these books, my new poetry book (also in audio), as well as what will be coming out soon. Links to amazon are available on the site for your convenience.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Excerpt from Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival: I stayed in my room until I had to go to the bathroom. When I couldn't hold it any longer, I cracked open my door just enough to squeeze through, then slithered along the wall, trying to stay in the shadows. I made it halfway down the hall, unnoticed, when I felt a tug on my hair and I was slammed into the wall...

Excerpt from the second book, Trophy Murders: "Sarah, please don't get mad at me, but sometimes you talk and act like a different person. You say the f-word a lot, and you get a weird look on your face when you talk about men. Even your voice changes. It sounds harsh and raspy, and so cold...

Excerpt from the last in the trilogy, Cutter's Revenge: "I never approved of Daddy's way of life, but what could I do? I was just a little kid! Those years I lived with him on the run, it took everything I had just to survive the hunger...the abuse. If any hate should be slung, I should be the one slinging for the way Daddy treated me all those years..."

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father.

As I stated in the last blog, Bitter Memories is not an easy book to read, but it is a story that needed to be shared with the world.

Not only for my own personal healing. Not only for others like me who still suffer from a life of abuse. But for people who have no clue or don't understand what child abuse can do to a kid.

Sitting here writing this blog entry, I'm thinking back to the night Daddy took me from my bed in the middle of the night. Not happy memories, that's for sure. I also think that I could have been one of the “milk carton kids" if they were putting pictures of abducted kids on cartons back in the 1950's. But, the first child's picture didn't appear on a milk carton until 1979.

I've always wondered IF my picture had been on a carton would anyone notice? All those times Daddy left me in the car all alone, many times for several days and nights, would anyone care enough to call the police? Would anyone get involved?

I like to think someone would.

Awareness is the other reason I had to tell my story. It's time to stop sweeping child abuse under the rug! It's time for everyone to step up and get involved when they see or suspect a child is being abused.

I believe if people know the signs of child abuse, they'll care. They will get involved. They will make that one important call to help a child.

If just one person had reported a little kid being in a car all alone, my life could've been so much better. I wouldn't have suffered all those years at the hands of any adult -- or even other children -- who wanted to hurt me.

And there were many abusers who crossed my path in those six long, terrifying years.

Some may say: "I don't want to read a sad story. I don't want to know what this child went through," but let me tell you this...I didn't want to go through the suffering and the pain I endured, either.

But I didn't have a choice. Ripped from my home, my mother, my grandparents, everything I knew and loved, I was at the hands of a man who I believed would never hurt me.

Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, not hurt them!

My father told me time and again how much he loved me. He "showed" me time and again how much he loved me. He said he'd take care of me and we'd be together forever.

He said a lot of things, but they were all lies.

Everyone who comes across my books, or other books similar to mine, has a choice. They can either pretend that child abuse doesn't exist, or they can read and learn from someone who's lived that life.

If you do read my books, it's okay to cry. However, cry for that innocent little child, but please don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me! I don't need that, because I am a survivor!

That little kid was the victim, cry for her, but learn from her! Learn to notice the children you see around you! Watch for signs that they might be abused.

The signs are not hard to spot. What is hard, is for the children not to have anyone who cares. The abuser sure doesn't care! It takes people like you to notice, to suspect that a child isn't being treated right. It takes caring people to make that call to the police or child protective services.

It takes YOU, and every other person on this planet to be aware!

You don't have to "know for sure" a child is being abused to make a call. You can "suspect" a child isn't being treated right and call. Only then can the authorities investigate to find out if a child is in danger.

And, yes! child abuse is dangerous. The guilt we live with can be enough to push us over the edge. Seeing no way out of our pain, our sorrow, a child of abuse can take his or her own life. I know. I gave up all hope and I attempted suicide. I almost succeeded, too. Another five minutes and I would have died.

I believe I lived that night because I still had a purpose. I'm glad I failed because I believe my purpose was to tell my story so another child could be saved from a life of hell. The only way I know to do this is by making people aware of child abuse. If I can help it, I don't want another child to suffer like I did.

As heartbreaking as it is to read a story like mine, think about the innocent children. They need us to care! They need us to get involved when we see or suspect child abuse. The child will never know that special person who saved them from that life of abuse, but believe me, one day he or she will be thanking the "angel" who cared.

I was ten years old before I even knew what Christmas was, and this time of year is still hard on me. It's hard on all kids who live with abuse. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, but for abused kids there are no "happy" times. Sure, we learn to put up a good front when needed, but inside, we still suffer.

My heart goes out to all the kids/adults still living with "that secret" that you feel can't be shared. But you need to know, there is hope! There are people who care, and help is available.

Just DON'T GIVE UP!

And this (I think) is my last "soapbox" post, at least for a while.

Please go to my website, get my books and read and learn from my life of abuse. Share my story with others. YOU can make a difference in a child's life!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father, living a life on the run, hungry, abused and terrified...

Daddy had lied from the start, even while dating Mama. He told everyone he was an only child, but he had a brother...a twin brother!

We stayed with this brother and his family for quite awhile, but Uncle Frank wasn't a nice man, and his three sons were no better than their father. Staying with them was one of the worst and most terrifying times in my short life...


Other books in this series — creative non-fiction/crime fiction:
Trophy Murders is not only an action-packed pure fiction crime story, but I take you deeper into the journey of true events after going to live with Uncle Henry (the cop) and his heavy-handed wife, Olivia. A life I wouldn’t wish on any kid!

Cutter's Revenge continues my story after my adoption. While another fictionalized serial killer stalks our little town, I write my story the way it could have been if...turning my life into a fantastic, exciting, and happy ending!

My Newest Book — non-fiction:
From The Heart is a book of fifteen poems written from events in my life. Included are short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. This book is also available in audio, with Beth MacEwan narrating. Beth did a wonderful job bringing life to each poem and story. It is awesome!



NOTE: Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival is NOT a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and my struggle to survive. It contains strong language and heart-breaking content, but it was my life. The language is toned down in the other books in this trilogy, and the abuse isn't nearly as intense or as often.

All my books are based on or from events in my life and have received 4 and 5 star reviews. Please consider my books as a great gift this Christmas, either for yourself or for a loved one. Enjoy!

To learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my new poetry book, plus other books coming soon, please follow the link below to my website:

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen