Moataz Mohamed's Blog

"Perhaps this is the punishment for those who have been heartless; to understand only when nothing can be undone."- Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns
***
"He is getting into a v-tach," said the panicking voice of one of the nurses piercing with its sharpness my very existence. My body is shaking uncontrollably, and the drums of war inside my chest and their echoes throughout my ears are not giving me too much room to think. I try to stop the shaking but in vain. It seems that I have lost the ability to control my own body. Another shout pierces through the clouds and buzzing sound of getting closer to the eternal end of all things. "CRASH CART!", he said, and of course 'HE' must be the ER doctor. I wonder how old he is. It won't do me any good of course, not while I am taking my last precious breaths in the dwelling of the living, but I guess my defense mechanisms are making me get lost into different trailing thoughts to make the end come more peacefully. Why can't my hideous brain produce enough morphine to knock out the remainder of sanity I have and get it over with?! I try to open my eyes, but my eye-lids refrain from doing my command. A hopeless cause and a battle that has been lost long ago.The ER doctor must have gotten the crash cart he requested for he ordered them to clear off the bed on which my plump body lies awaiting to be vacant of the ghost so that it can find its last resort inside mother Earth, and turn finally into nutritious nitrogen and carbon doing one final, and maybe the only good, thing before I am undone. I hear the voice of the charge just before my whole body jolts from its effect with a power of a thousand bullets piercing through the thick clouds of haziness and bringing with it surrounding and overwhelming whiteness of utter nothingness in which I seamlessly seep.
***
"Keep walking!", said the stocky male-nurse as he pushed me forward. My legs and hands are heavily chained, but my forgotten guilt overheads these chains.I almost stumble and fall, but I straighten myself just before the mess happens. I can't see his face, but judging from his breath-rate and tone, he prefers to strangle me and get it over with. One less pile of trash in the world.Inmates are giving me a welcome party, or so they call it. They are shouting and hitting their cells' doors with their hands and fingernails. "I am in for the lot!", I consider to say, but refrain. I really don't know anything about what lies ahead.I reach my new cell. I look at the nurse beside me, Tucker, and we share a look of someone who knows. Tucker. Tucker the fucker is what the inmates call him. Tucker gives me another push to enter my cell. I go inside, turn my back to him. The door-lock clicks with a low metal click and he unchains me. Finally, I am free. I am free to enjoy the 3 square meters cell. I can't see the lads, but they will appear sooner or later. It is our first solitary after all, and they wouldn't miss such a thing.
***
"Eyes. Eyes everywhere. Blind self.", said Layla in a rough voice. "Eyes. Eyes everywhere. Blind self," she repeated hysterically while she kept shuffling around for something she couldn't find. She kept desperately searching as if her very existence depended upon it. Her feverish searching was heart-breaking while she kept swinging her arms desperately, but nothing was in her reach. Her eyes streamed as her arms dropped beside her. It was all in vain. Her head became heavier and heavier as her face became soaked in a crimson mixture."Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream." She kept on singing with her faint voice as the blue fog drowned her into oblivion. From afar, as if from the other end of a tunnel, she heard a faint voice. "Look at me. Nothing will harm you. Listen to m..."
***
"You keep on remembering what happened as if you have been there." said the man in the white suit sarcastically. "Do you think these visualizations of yours can even begin on making you atone?""Why do you always try to stop me from remembering her? Remembering what happened?" I replied disapprovingly.There was a grunt of disgust and a huge man came into focus out of nowhere. "Dead is dead," he said. "We have no business with the dead!""What business do you speak of? And where does this "we" fall in place?" I replied."Please lower your voices," said Mary. "Little Angie is asleep."The huge man made another grunting noise as he shifted his feet. "Have you forgotten who we are little cub? Your business is ours, and ours is yours.""As far as I hate to agree with the uncivilized, but the huge man said the truth!" said the man in the white suit. "Little cub." he added with a faint smile."No." I said firmly. "It is all mine, and mine alone. I will bear this guilt for the rest of my dwelling.""Oh charming little one." said the man in the white suit. "Always the forgetful! Have you forgotten who we are?""I can never forget!" I said mechanically."Sweet!" he said. "So don't gamble with your luck again. Last time we all had to bear the chilling sensation. Even little Angie had to bear the jolts.""God is nigh." said a mousy man who sat in the corner. "He told me to kill him! You can't simply ignore the calling of the Devine!" he said while playing with his untidy hair. "But I did." he added playfully."You and your Devine!" said the huge man menacingly. "That is why we ended up here in the first place.""Remember your manners, lads." said Mary. "Angie is asleep.""Bogger off, Mary." said the huge man. "Let her wake and I will bash her head for good."The man in the white suit moved forward and held the huge man's shoulder firmly. "Now, now. We don't have to make a fuss down here, old lad. She is just a little "cub" of yours.""And these aren't the orders of the Devine." said the mousy man."Yes, as he said. Whatever he said." said the man in the suit."Silence!" I yelled. "I know none of this is real anyway! You are all figments of my imagination! So shut the hell up and let me be."Little Angie woke up crying and drowning with her screams all the surrounding debate, but no one seemed to mind her anymore as they stood solemnly looking at me."How can that be?" said the man in the white suit. "Have you forgotten so easily? We are you! We are the madness the lurks within your walls bidding its time to be free at last at every moment in your deepest thoughts and fears. We are what you sedate into silence and paralysis when you go to the nocturnal haven where we cannot tread. We are the ones who dwell within.""Lies!" I said while shaking my head. "All of these are utter lies.""I cannot lie to you, old pal." said the man in the white suit. "For in the end, I am you. We all are. We are when you smile, when you cry, grunt, lust or weep. We are what makes you.""Lies!" I repeated. "They told me you are not real! They told me it is all within the borders of my mind!"Silence held on for a long while as all of them looked at me in a mixture of pity, confusion, agony and disgust."Again, what makes you so sure that they even exist? That you even exist?" said the man in the white suit calmly. "Why can't it be that I am the real deal and you are all figments of my imagination, even this place, the doctors, the nurses and inmates? I am not saying that this is the case, but think about it.""It can't be." I said in a grave tone. "Because the pain within me can't be imagined. What am I doing here? I am dying in here."Out of nowhere a slap came and hit me with full force on the cheek. I staggered back and fell. The huge man did it. "You felt that, laddie, didn't you? Life is pain. It is as simple as that. We all lost Layla that day. And we all will live and bear the pain and guilt of standing there helplessly while the spark of life faded from her eyes."I couldn't move. I was petrified. Angie came and offered me her sleeve. "Here there uncle. Wipe your face. I miss aunt Layla too. But we have to get you out soon. I miss my old room." She moaned. "And I really want a banana." she added sheepishly."Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?! My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?!" cried the mousy man. "I can't bear that stupid host. Command me to end it, and I will end it in fire and dust.""My mind is too weak to forget, Angie." I muttered to her ignoring the mousy man's cries. "It is never easy to pray the devil back to hell when the devil is within you.""Do not fade into this life, pal!" said the man in the white suit while straightening me up."How did I ever fade into this life?" I replied."You simply let your grief drown your senses. You simply let us be." he replied quietly. "You donned the black, a sightless specter of the macabre, and it is darkness where we came to be. You fed us with your fears and sins, and fattened us on the burning winds of your grief and we took form beyond the wall we were supposed to exist.""It is done." I said quietly. "The hour came and went. Layla died, and I tried in vain to follow her where none can harm us anymore. I lost her once, then lost her again. I disappointed her once, and by living, I am betraying her again. We were supposed to share one life and one destiny. We were supposed to regain our lives back and brace each other. Every breath I took since she cut her own mortal tether is me betraying her. But it won't be for long. I promise it won't be for long."
The man in the white suit went back, sat down by the wall and lit a cigarette. "Then it done, old laddie. Let's just enjoy the show henceforth. The sun is up, as it always did and always will do."

You have been roaming these lands for twenty four years of your life. But you are tired, pal. You are dead tired. I can still listen to your conflicting crushing thoughts as you doze into oblivion every single night after your soul gets wearied of cries and depression, and I can still see your ghosts shackling your soul. All I can do to you, and me, is scribe this list. Maybe if you stick closer to it, you will find the peace that you sought for long.

1. Try losing some weight, pal. I hear your heavy breaths as you ascend the staircase. Your health is degrading. We don't care about living at all, I know, but you are still alive, so don't make your dwelling a tougher journey than it already is. In addition, losing some weight will make the journey of buying clothes a little less troublesome.

2. Be a stranger. Pass by swiftly. Being overly friendly brought you nothing but heartache. And when you cut your mortal tethers, or get them cut for you, you will get the nicest of passing rites. "Goodbye stranger it's been nice. Hope you find your paradise. Tried to see your point of view. Hope your dreams will all come true." So don't fret, and just be there at the verge between shadow and light. Pass by swiftly, unseen, unnoticed like a thought without a form. And pray for the day of your departure.

3. Humans are a lost cause. Don't offer to help anymore. If you are asked to help, do help please. But if you are not, do not take the initiative. It appears that when you offer your help, you get rejected and shot down mercilessly without a second thought. And some will even go forth and call you a pervert SOB or a stalker. Maybe you don't have the looks of an acceptable helper, if such things exist. If only they would listen. Anyway, just do not take the initiative, but be there for when you are needed. Karma. You need Karma for those you still care about. And remember, empathy and compassion are what defines you as a human. Never lose those.

4. Stop seeking making friends, dear. Such things don't come that way. And making friends will only bring you the heartache of losing them. You know what happens. Your repellent aura, remember? Just have mercy on your greyed wearied heart. You are not created to please anybody, so stop seeking the signs. And when you remember your losses, just nod at them in awe. And when you remember the dead, when you remember her, nod in awe and mouth, "O convoy of the dead, O terrible convoy, I shalt accede to thine appeals in due course when the monstrous crushing wheel of fate taketh its final turn. Hac in hora, sine mora, corde pulsum tangite; quod per sortem, sternit fortem, mecum omnes plangite!"

5. Loneliness is a blissful bless. Enjoy it. Listen to your music more often. Read more, and learn more. You have a new job that you love. Prove your love to it. You don't have another to prove your love to, and that is trivial and irrelevant, believe me. Focus on your job and building a shell of a life that makes you a bit more comfortable until the day you get your rites of passing. And when you are down, none will understand you like yourself, so don't fret nor wish for something that won't make a difference anyway. You entered these lands alone, and you will leave alone, so take a lonesome road.

6. Your God has never forsaken you just as he never forsook David, so don't think otherwise. He is never so far from your cries of anguish. He just knows all and foresees all.

7. If you are going to learn the Violin, it is now or never. Get an instrument, dedicate an hour a day, and in a year or two you'll be able to play the tunes you love.

عزيزي رماح،
أنت في علم غيب لم يكتب بعد. أو ربما هو قد كتب علي لوح محفوظ عن العيون والقلوب ما كنت لأكون مطلعا عليه. حاليا أنت مجرد نويات ذرات قد تكون كربونا أو هيدروجين أو ربما نيتروجين، في جسمي أو في ملح الأرض. لكن إن قدر الإله مجيأك، سأسميك رمّاحا لتصيب برماحك حظك، علّه يكون أصوب من حظ والديك.
كانت لنا أيام يا عزيزي. أيام كنا ننام فيها بدون هم إلا مباراة أو فيلما ما أو ربما علامة ضعيفة في مادة ما. ثم جاءت لحظة تنوير مقترنة بثورة أحيت النفوس والضمائر والعظام، هنا عرفنا حقائق كثيرة. انفتحت أعيننا علي عالم قميء بذيء كنا نعي وجوده وإن لم نتخيل أبدا أنه قد بلغ هذا القدر من السوء والاضمحلال.
كانت قلوبنا تنبض بالأمل وتتغني بموسيقي الكون كله. كانت مبتهجة ودامية ومرهقة وحائرة كقلب مصارع ناج في حلبة الكولوسيوم، لكنها كانت حية. ثم أخذت الغشاوة في الانسدال علي العيون والقلوب، وتدريجيا عادت إلي سباتها فموتها تاركة أي حلم وأي أمل وأي فرحة، مترحمة علي من مات مع علمها أنه في رحمة عما نحن فيه.
ابني رماح،
إن قُدّر مجيؤك، فاعلم أنك ستكون في حقبة من أحلك حقب التاريخ، فلا تيأس، لكن لا تأمل. الأمل مضر. الأمل مؤلم. أملنا كثيرا لغد أفضل، لكن لا يوجد شيء يربط الغد بالأفضل. لا توجد ضمانة، وهم لن يتركونا حتي لنسعي له. اهرب عزيزي من هذا المكان. اهرب طالما تستطيع.
صغيري رماح،
سأعمل جاهدا علي ألا تولد ها هنا. بل سأعمل جاهدا علي ألا تولد علي الإطلاق. ربما يرضخ عقلي المرهق وقلبي الدامي لرغبات نفسي فأقرر في لحظة جنون أن أرسم خطا كستنائيا مكفهرا يقطع معصميّ أو الودجين. وربما أستطيع أن أتعايش دون حضن من زوجة أو حبيبة. ولربما يقرر الإله أن يرزقني عقما يمنعني به عن الإتيان بك. كلها ظنون يا رفيق. لكن إن رضخت لشهواتي وارتياح قلبي لأحضان لحظية، فدعني أقبل يديك وقدميك لا مازحا أو محبا، بل طالبا للغفران. اغفر لي خطيئة الإتيان بك في عالم لا يرحم أبناءه.
حبيبي رماح،
إن لم أدُم علي قيد الحياة لأتمم تربيتك، فإني استودعتك خالقك، هو أحن عليك ممن سواه. الدنيا ستعلمك وتزيد من صلابتك بصَلبِك فوق المذبح والمذبحة. لكنها فانية، وما عنده فهو باق. علّنا نتلاق مرة أخري في أرض عدل وفضل ومجد أبدي. حينئذ نصرخ أن المجد والعزة لله في أرض يرتاح فيها صوتُ صارخٍ في البريّة.
وختاما، اطلب العدل طالما بقيت حيا. فإن جلدوك وصلبوك فاصبر، فما أنت إلا ذيل قائمة طويلة من المجلودين والمصلوبين والأحرار. ليكن العلم سلاحك فدونه ما أنت بمتمٍ غايتك. اكتب واقرأ والهُ وامزح وأحبِب وأحبّ. عش حياتك وانظر إلي لآلئ السماء. غلف غلظة الذكورة برحمة طيب الخلق ولطافة المعشر. وتعلم من أخطائك. واعلم أنك محبوب فلا تبتأس ولا تترك سبيلا لوحشة أن تغلف قلبك. وأخيرا اغفر لي خطيئة الإتيان بك، واغفر لي خطيئة اعتباري أن الإتيان بك خطيئة، لكنها ليست لعيب فيك عزيزي، لكن لعيب في دنياك هذه. والسلام ختام.

يوم آخر. رسالة أخري. وكلمات أخري تكتب لأشخاص لن يتلقوها. أشباح ماض أتي ثم رحل مسرعا دون أن نستفيق من جلالة حضوره. رحل بلا عودة مخلفا من ورائه بعضا من بهجة الرؤيا، وخيال لحن، وكثير من ألم الرحيل ولوعة الفقد.إذن هي الفوائت. فرص راحلة تورث آلاما، وآمالا في لقاء لا يجيء، وذكريات. أطنان من الذكريات. بسمات وعبرات وكلمات في أوائل النهار تأتي بنسيم البحر الذي لطالما كان حاضرا في المشهد، وأخري في أواخر الليل حينما تصمت الأكوان لتصير كونا، وتصمت الموجودات لتصير عدما، وتصمت الأحاسيس لتتوحد في أعصاب طبلة أذن تتلقي تلك الكلمات بخشوع ناسك.أجلس إلي مكتبي لأؤرخ عمرا قد ضاع مني. قرابة الأربعة والعشرين عاما. لقد هرمت. فعلا أشعر بالهرم. أشعر بآلام الجسد وجراح الروح المثقلة بالهموم وحمل المعرفة قبل السن. أحقا ليست مئتين وأربعين عاما؟ خسارة فادحة وللا شيء.أفتح رزنامة ما. خط آخر لأكتب عليه. سنة أخري تمضي ولا تعود كسطر الرزنامة وقد امتلأ برسمات الحروف ونقوش الذكريات. ماذا جدَّ في أحلامي الضائعة؟ الموتي لا يعودون إلي الحياة يا صاح، لم اللوعة وآلام الذكري؟! لم تعبث خلف ما راح وتأت عليك بالألم من رحم روحك التي تموت رويدا مع كل مرة تطعنها أنت لا أحد آخر؟ أمل مفقود بلا رجعة، لا يستحق كل ما تفعله بنفسك. لكني لا أنصت لذلك الصوت الصائح بي.أأخطأت في اختيار الطريق؟ أكان حريّ بي أن أنتقي ما كان عليّ فعله بحياتي في واقع موحل؟ قلت ما الجدوي؟ وحل بوحل ولا فارق. قلت ما الفارق، لكن الفارق بيّن. أكان عليّ انتهاز فرصا أكثر؟ أكان عليّ أن أواجه وأعترف وأصرخ وأركل؟ أكان عليّ أن أعترض وألعن الأراضي والسماوات والجماد والعباد؟ لكنني أصرخ وأركل وألعن الأراضي والسماوات والجماد والعباد، فلم لا أشعر بشيء؟ لم كل هذه الفراغ والتيه؟إذن هي رزنامة الأحلامة الفائتة. تحفظ بين دفتيها كل ما لم أستطيع أن أنجزه. كل فرصة لم أغتنمها. كل حلم لم ولن يتحقق. كل حب لم يورق ويشتد عوده. وكل شوكة كره ومقت تنامت علي الروح علي مر وتتابع السنين. أكتبها وأرسمها وأنقشها بحبر وخلاصة ذكريات نابعة من دمع كل دقيقة مرت خلال تلك السنة، وقداس الموتي يصدح في الخلفية.لكن الموتي لا يعودون إلي الحياة. ومن ماتت روحه، يظل هائما علي وجهه في أي برّ بين أناس لا يعرفون الشفقة، وإنما يقدرون المادة. يحتاج لكتف يسنده، ويد تربت عليه فلا يجد. يحتاج ليد تعينه علي الطريق، أو يد تعينه ليقطع آخر حبل يربطه بين هذه الحياة والحياة الأخري، فلا يجد. يحتاج ويحتاج ويحتاج، لكنه يعلم أن احتياجه لن يقبل. وأنه يستيقظ صباح كل يوم، يغتسل ويستر البدن بالملبس والروح بالتصنّع والتظاهر، ثم يخرج ليواجه من لن يقدموا له يد العون. كل يوم. ألف يوم. مدي الدهر.

الدولة اللي مش دولة قررت ترفع الدعم تدريجيا عن المواطن علشان مفشوخين ف أفكارهم والميزانية مخرمة وبدل مايعدلوا المايلة قرروا يقللوا الفلوس اللي بتتصرف علي الشعب (بحجة إنه مش من حقهم بالمناسبة). طيب خلونا نشوف هو الدعم ده حقنا ولا لأ.
يعني إيه دعم في الأساس؟ الدعم ده بيبقي بطريقتين، نقدي وسلعي. النقدي ده بيبقي إن الدولة بتحددلك مبلغ مالي بطريقة ما تشتري بيه شوية سلع معينة بسعرها الحر وبالتالي مش هتكون دفعت كل تمنها من مرتبك، وده اللي كانوا بيقترحوا يعملوه. السلعي بيبقي إنها بتوفرلك شوية سلع أساسية بثمن أقل والدولة بتتحمل بقية التكلفة عنك.
طيب ليه الدعم؟ ببساطة، الدعم ده بيكون بسبب إن فيه دولة معرصة وشوية سياسيين ومنتفعين ورجال أعمال معرصين خربوها وقعدوا علي تلها وودوا البلد في ستين داهية، الناس دي فشخت الناتج المحلي وفشخت الدخل القومي، ف قيمة الجنيه قلت بالنسبة للعملات الأخري. وبالتالي بيبقي السلعة اللي كانت بدولار من كام سنة وكان سعر الدولار 5.5 جنيه، دلوقتي لو نفس الحاجة بنفس تمنها بالدولار هيبقي تمنها 7 جنيه أو أكتر. انت بتقبض بالجنيه، يعني ببساطة الأسعار غليت عليك، مع غلو آخر بسبب توابع الكارثة الاقتصادية العالمية. وانت مرتبك زي ما هو. ف الدولة علشان تحسن مظهرها وتقلل شكلها المعرص قدام المواطن قررت تتحمل جزء من الفارق من ال 5.5 لل 7 ده. بس التعريص استمر، والفشل استمر، وتحملهم عن كاهل المواطن زاد تدريجيا لدرجة أصبحوا مايعرفوش يستمروا فيها.
إيه اللي المفروض كان يحصل؟ المفروض كانت الدولة المعرصة تتصرف وتزود الدخول بحيث يكون متوسط الدخل للمواطن المصري بصفة عامة (مش العاملين في الجهات الحكومية بس، لأ، حتي المقعدين والبطالة الصريحة والمقنعة) يكون متوسط الدخول قريب أو مساوي لمتوسط الدخل العالمي علشان يعرف المواطن يتحمل السعر العالمي. يعني من الآخر يكون بالنسباله جزمة ب 60 دولار مش مشكلة علشان هيقبض بالجنيه اللي يخليه باصص للدولار البصة اللي المواطن الأمريكي بيبصلها. طبعا ده مابيحصلش، وماظنش إنه هيحصل في أي وقت قريب.
إيه اللي حصل؟ الدولة اللي مش دولة قالت هو احنا لسة هندفع فلوس علشان نزودهم؟ فكك يا عم، ارفع جزء من الدعم فجأة عنهم وافشخهم ف أفكارهم من كل حتة، هوبا الغاز، هوبا الكهربا، هوبا السجاير، هوبا الوقود، هوبا المواد الغذائية اللي هتتأثر بالوقود. سبعتلاف صفعة علي سهوة. وخلال 3 أيام، المواطن المصري بقي فعلا مش عاوز يحسبها، علشان مهما هيحسب هتفضل مخرمة.
إيه الوضع؟ الحالة وسخة، وسخة كتير، علي رأي تانيا صالح. مافيش وصف آخر يا بيه. احنا نروح نموت ونروح لرب رحيم.

Hello. If you're still alive, then I'm sure you will still be roaming the Earth all alone. I don't know about the technological leaps that occurred in the 18-year gap between us, but I can imagine.I hope you died, but if you didn't, then I hope you got away safely from this country. By now, I know you've read tons of books, learned tons of skills, and eaten tons of fats. Still, I hope you've turned to a more healthy diet.I'm worried about you. I know you've been taking your depression medication for more than 10 years, and I know that you can't sleep without them. I know what you see in your sleep. I know what I see in my sleep. It's not something pleasant enough to be repetitively seen.Please take care of your heart, and if you're still abiding to the oath we cut couple of years ago from my time, then please release yourself. It's time to have someone by your side. Don't die alone. Don't die like me. And above all, don't come back to Egypt. Don't even get buried there.And finally, continue learning as long as you're alive. It's a dark pit, the world we live in, but knowledge can be a faint lantern. Godspeed, amigo.

You might drown in the illusion of "patriotism" or "greater good". You might be lured and tempted to take the easy way out, the way back to how things used to be. You might prefer to sloth much more than to rise up against oppression and tyranny.
It's only that having the decision to sacrifice your peace of mind and the joy of a life so still like a forgotten pond, is the one and only thing that gives you identity. It's only then that you can be defined. A sloth is a sloth. A sloth abandons its son when it falls of a tree and leaves it to die. But a rebel, o a rebel, he is the last one to leave the lands of struggle. Even when a rebel dies, his soul stays to fight back and empower the other rebels, for his memory fuels them like oxygen to humans.
Things will change, eventually. They will. And justice will prevail.

" حقًا إنني أعيشُ في زمنٍ أسودالكلمة الطيبة لا تجدُ من يسمعهاو الجبهة الصافية تفضح الخيانةو الذي ما زال يضحكلم يسمعْ بعدُ بالنبأ الرهيبأي زمنٍ هذا ؟الحديث عن الأشجار يوشك أن يكون جريمةلأنه يعني الصمت على جرائم أشد هولاًذلك الذي يعبر الطريق مرتاح البالألا يستطيع أصحابهالذين يعانون الضيقأن يتحدثوا إليه ؟صحيحٌ أني ما زلت أكسب راتبيو لكن صدقوني ، ليس هذا إلا محض مصادفةإذ لا شيء مما أعملهيبرر أن آكل حتى الشبعصدفة ، أنني ما زلت حيًّا( إن ساءَ حظّي فسوف أضيع )يقولون لي: كُلْ و اشربْافرح بما لديك!و لكن كيف يمكنني أن آكل و أشربعلى حين أنتزع لقمتيمن أفواه الجائعينو الكأس التي أشربهاممن يعانون الظمأو مع ذلك فما زلت آكل و أشربنفسي تشتاق إلى أن أكون حكيمًاالكتب القديمة تصف لنا من هو الحكيمهو الذي يعيش بعيدًاعن منازعات هذه الدنيايقضي عمره القصيربلا خوف أو قلقالعنف يتجنبهو الشر يقابله بالخيرالحكمة في أن ينسى المرء رغائبهبدل أن يعمل على تحقيقهاغير أنني لا أقدر على شيء من هذاحقًا إنني أعيش في زمن أسود.* * *أتيتُ هذه المدن من زمن الفوضىو كان الجوع في كل مكانأتيتُ بين الناس في زمن الثورةفثرتُ معهمو هكذا انقضى عمريالذي قدر لي على هذه الأرضطعامي أكلتُه بين المعاركنمتُ بين القتلة و السفاحينأحببتُ في غير اهتمامتأملتُ الطبيعة ضيق الصدرو هكذا انقضى عمريالذي قدر لي على هذه الأرض.* * *الطرقات على أيامي كانتْ تؤدي إلى مستنقعاتكلماتي كادتْ تسلمني للمشنقةكنتُ عاجز الحيلةغير أني كنتُ أقضّ مضاجع الحكامأو هذا على الأقل ما كنتُ أطمع فيهو هكذا انقضى عمريالذي قدر لي على هذه الأرضالقدرة كانتْ محدودةالهدف بدا بعيدًاكان واضحًا على كل حالغير أني ما استطعتُ أن أدركهو هكذا انقضى عمريالذي قدر لي على هذه الأرض* * *أنتم يا من ستظهرونبعد الطوفان الذي غرقنا فيهفكرواعندما تتحدثون عن ضعفنافي الزمن الأسودالذي نجوتم منهكنا نخوض حرب الطبقاتو نهيم بين البلادنغيّر بلدًا ببلدٍأكثر مما نغيّر حذاءً بحذاءيكاد اليأس يقتلناحين نرى الظلم أمامناو لا نرى أحدًا يثور عليهنحن نعلمإن كرهنا للانحطاطيشوّه ملامح الوجهو إن سخطنا على الظلميبح الصوتآه ، نحن الذين أردنا أن نمهد الطريق للمحبةلم نستطع أن يحب بعضنا بعضًاأما أنتمفعندما يأتي اليومالذي يصبح فيه الإنسان صديقًا للإنسانفاذكروناو سامحونا."

1.Indeed I live in the dark ages!A guileless word is an absurdity. A smooth forehead betokensA hard heart. He who laughsHas not yet heardThe terrible tidings.Ah, what an age it isWhen to speak of trees is almost a crimeFor it is a kind of silence about injustice!And he who walks calmly across the street,Is he not out of reach of his friendsIn trouble?It is true: I earn my livingBut, believe me, it is only an accident.Nothing that I do entitles me to eat my fill.By chance I was spared. (If my luck leaves meI am lost.)They tell me: eat and drink. Be glad you have it!But how can I eat and drinkWhen my food is snatched from the hungryAnd my glass of water belongs to the thirsty?And yet I eat and drink.I would gladly be wise.The old books tell us what wisdom is:Avoid the strife of the worldLive out your little timeFearing no oneUsing no violenceReturning good for evil --Not fulfillment of desire but forgetfulnessPasses for wisdom.I can do none of this:Indeed I live in the dark ages!2.I came to the cities in a time of disorderWhen hunger ruled.I came among men in a time of uprisingAnd I revolted with them.So the time passed awayWhich on earth was given me.I ate my food between massacres.The shadow of murder lay upon my sleep.And when I loved, I loved with indifference.I looked upon nature with impatience.So the time passed awayWhich on earth was given me.In my time streets led to the quicksand.Speech betrayed me to the slaughterer.There was little I could do. But without meThe rulers would have been more secure. This was my hope.So the time passed awayWhich on earth was given me.3.You, who shall emerge from the floodIn which we are sinking,Think --When you speak of our weaknesses,Also of the dark timeThat brought them forth.For we went, changing our country more often than our shoes.In the class war, despairingWhen there was only injustice and no resistance.For we knew only too well:Even the hatred of squalorMakes the brow grow stern.Even anger against injusticeMakes the voice grow harsh. Alas, weWho wished to lay the foundations of kindnessCould not ourselves be kind.But you, when at last it comes to passThat man can help his fellow man,Do not judge usToo harshly.

A huge question faces me each and every single time I open my facebook wall, "What's on your mind?"What's really on my mind? What does usually haunt my waking hours?I have spent years trying to figure out what really haunts my mind in my daily life, and once I did write most of these thoughts, of course with a hint of the thought contaminating experience. And what I wrote was unbearable. Parallel thoughts about life and death, death and suicide, killing some asshole I've stumbled upon along my daily life trying to survive it and get back to bed with the least possible cuts and bruises, figuratively speaking of course. I wrote about sexually explicit thoughts, of course, and how sometimes they drive off any other type of thinking. I wrote about the one and only, the one that doesn't and will never know that I've sworn my bachelorhood for her. I wrote about how sometimes I overheat and how I desire to rip off my skin. I wrote about my diseases, psychologically mostly, and how incapacitating the effect they had one me. I wrote about my failed dreams, my surreal hopes, and the harshness of the rock on which my dreams keep smashing. I wrote about my overweight problem, and how it upsets me although I never really admit it openly. I wrote about my dying father, and always disapproving mother. I wrote about how disappointed I am of me, and how my center of interests surround me committing suicide. I wrote about how much I know God, and how much I don't know Him, and how much mystic I tend to be although I am also a sinner and neglectful.
I kept writing and writing, but the truth is, I never could write it all. It's like I do have my full miserable life crammed in one single day, and this life can hardly fit in one single writing session, or even a million. It's a life, it can't be wrote about. It can't be discussed or story-told. It can never be described. It can only be lived. And I keep living and reliving it millions of times to the limit of suffocation with no hope but the final gentle stroking hand of Death to carry me off this miserable pit hole and release me of this mortal tether.
That being said, to no one like always, now I'll be ready to put my head on my tough neck-aching pillow awaiting another day to get through, and another tormenting session to be visited and revisited.

أنا دخلت كلية هندسة الإسكندرية في دفعة 2008-2009 . ماكنتش لسة شكلت أيديولوجية كاملة أو منظور كامل للكون والعالم اللي حواليا. كنت طفل. يمكن بسبب الموضوع ده خسرت ناس كتير. ده مش معناه إني خلاص فهمت الدنيا، لكن عالأقل عرفت الزتونة. عرف إزاي إنك علشان تعيش في البلد دي بالذات لازم تبقي بوشوش، وقليلين بس اللي هيتقبلوا طبيعتك الحقيقية.لظروف كثيرة سقطت ف تاني سنة ليا في الكلية، وكل صحابي فلّوا علي رأي هبة طوجي. السنة دي بادعي ربنا إنها تكون آخر عهدي بالمكان الموبوء ده وأتخرج بسلام وبلا خساير أكتر من كدة.من ضمن الذكريات اللي بتتداعي عليّ كل يوم وأنا نايم خلال السنين اللي فاتت دي كلها، باذكر حدث مهم جدا بالنسبالي، حدث الهاكر.في 2009 ، وبالتحديد في يوم الجمعة 24 يوليو، كنت مستني نتيجة الفاينال بتاعتي. وقتها قيل لنا إنها هتنزل علي موقع الكلية. دخلت علي الموقع قبل الصلاة، لقيت إنه واقع. بس لقيت إن فيه رسالة منشورة عليه. الموقع تم اختراقه من هاكر. بس ماكانش هاكر مؤذي. الشاب ده كان عاوز يوصل فكرة، إن النظام بايظ. اخترق سيرفرات الكلية علشان يثبتلهم إنها سهلة الاختراق. وساب الرسالة دي:
==== Egypt EUN HACKED - Friday, July, 24th., 2009 ====
a) Why I Did This?b) Who Am I?c) Current Status of Egyptian Universities.d) 1,045,000,000 EGP In Three Months?e) Is There A Security Team?f) Egypt's PhDs In Computer Science == Basic Computers 101.g) Egypt's Security Government Agencies, They Exist?h) My Humble Opinion About This Whole Thing.
a) Why I did this?
- I've done this bluntly to show everyone that most of you are just a bunch of suites walking around doing nothing except making lots of cash and pimpin' your cars, so honestly this is not about a personal attack or nothing of the sort more than an attack on the system and why we should drop asking for shiny certificates instead of employing the boys that know what they are doing.
b) Who am I?
- My identity is of no concern to anybody, but I would like to say that I don't belong to NO terrorist group as our ministry of interior likes to think as a start for anyone who expresses himself in a "unique" way. I'm an Egyptian, and I do love Egypt, not the people of Egypt, that is another story, but Egypt is where I belong and is where I was born, so I think since no one wanted to make use of my knowledge, just because I don't have the required shiny certificates, I thought I should do something for the sake of Egypt.
c) Current Status of Egyptian Universities.
- Let me put this simple and clear, as far as I see things, Education Curriculum sucks, Education Environment sucks, Professors should literally step down and redo their PhD thesis like at least 5 times before they gain their PhDs again instead of purchasing them. And I'm not saying that because everybody around is saying so, I've talked to those PhDs before, and I've proven my superiority over some of them, putting in mind my very humble cute little age and the few educational certificates I had, compared to their shiny PhDs, they should literally tear down these shiny certificates and start from scratch. Oh and don't get me started on the abundance of the usage of Microsoft products, and how much Microsoft is involved in our education system, that's including but not limited to courses curriculums and softwares installed on school and universities machines, I mean come on people, enough making deals under the table and start giving people what they truly deserve, even if they don't, but they still are the outcome of your doings, face it. And please for God's sake, stop feeding young kiddos ICDL crap, it is crap and you know it, so stop feeding this BS to others, we don't need more incompetents, we already have you.
d) 1,045,000,000 EGP In Three Months?
- You see that large amount of mighty cash, it is true, I've seen a report saying that about 80% of that cash being spent in 3 months, you will wonder, what in the hell this kind of cash can be spent on, the answer is simple, computers, labor, personal expenses, silicon breasts, and of course pimpin' cars. I will not talk much about this, I'll just leave the report to speak for itself. The thing that truly bothers me about this is that students class rooms has not received a fraction of that money, not even on bloody chairs instead of the ones that was bought in 1901.
e) Is There A Security Team?
- A security team, eh? I'm bloody sure that they didn't even hear about the concept of security, they think of security as a bunch of "hardware firewalls", here is a small email to give you an idea ...
----- Forwarded Message -----<br /> ...lex.edu.eg</a>***Note form me not the hacker : I couldn't find the hacked email. Mind that this was all 4 years ago. Anyway, the rest of the message speaks for itself, and the emails were extracted from the faculty's workers' emails. The so-called security wasn't cunning enough to send emails in enclosed letters. They used easily-hack-able emails for such things. Such a security breach! ***
- Now, trust me, hardware firewalls will NOT make you any securer, that's just corporate marketing to make you believe that their product is the one and final solution to all of your problems, and as a matter of fact, it is NOT the end of your problems. I've witnessed and seen in this network a huge lack of security sense, you don't need a machine you need a hacker to secure your stuff, a guy that knows what he is doing, a guy that knows exactly how to break in as well as how to defend his network from being attacked. Please go read some books, and stop watching a lot of TV and flashy adverts.
f) Egypt's PhDs In Computer Science == Basic Computers 101.
- It is sad but very true, PhDs around here in CS, think they are the best in the world, while a 16 years old kid I mentor can totally teach you stuff you've never heard of before, the problem is that PhDs in Egypt are not gained anymore, they are purchased, they rely on how ***y you are, or how much money you are willing to spend on your thesis (of course that's including the fee of purchasing it + taxes). I was more than willing to teach and help whoever needs it, however it seems that people around here think of ignorance as a shame, actually they think anything that wouldn't make them feel superior is a shame, however the fact is, ignorance is not a shame as long as you are willing to learn, and have dedication and respect to whoever is teaching you, I know students these days are pretty awful, but hey, it is YOU that made them awful due to your archaic methods of teaching and your attitude, I'm really not saying that every one holding a PhD falls under all of this, all I'm saying is that the majority of you are making the efforts of the good countable few of you pass by unnoticed.
g) Egypt's Security Government Agencies, They Exist?
- Since we are talking about Computer Security, and not other types of security, then I'll answer that question with a NO. I don't think we have any sort of technological intelligence agency, but that's just what I think, either they are really lame, or they follow the policy of keep everything private from the public sort of intelligence policy which I truly disagree with, I understand that different intelligence agencies around the world have different policies about their exposure to the public, but around here it nearly doesn't exist, which in my humble opinion is not good for recruiting new expertise in the field, or establishing good assets, I'm no expert, but by what I've seen so far in the field, computer security around here is just a shame, I have found more than a way to take down the whole EUN network, that's of course including different other networks, and specially our pathetic Cairo IXP which is hosted at ECC Solutions, it is 100% government owned so by judging how secure this is, I can tell that the overall computer security of the whole country is second to none.
h) My Humble Opinion About This Whole Thing.
- I don't really have much else to say except that I finally feel that I've done my part and delivered the message that should have delivered. I really hope that you understand that I'm not a destructive person at all, I'm just tired of everything around here, and sadly nobody is listening, so I thought that by doing this, they should be listening now. And to prove my intentions (like if I really need to prove them), here are some things you could do to prevent anyone else from doing something similar...
1) Stop using Microsoft products. (This is was a major player)2) Stop using RHCE and Suse, those are as good as any other distro, read and learn instead of buying support for them.3) Hire someone that knows what the hell he is doing.4) Stop sending passwords in emails. (This is a huge security risk)5) Don't trust corporate products in general for a penny.7) Have a security team that have at least 4-5 people (please choose wisely, don't be impressed easily by the shiny certs).
- I think I'm done, what I've done is a onetime service only, I don't have the time nor I'm willing to do this again, I have a life to care about. It is all yours now to decide, either to wake up and start doing something good for once in your lives for the people and the sake of this country, or keep on going with your lives and simply forget about this.
- Oh by the way, I've got into all these servers in less than a month.
==== Files ====
http://depositfiles.com/en/files/1vt5... ... 210609.xls
***Note form me not the hacker : The links are down of course. Again it's been 4 years.***
(( Have A Wonderful Weekend! ))
***Note form me not the hacker : It was Friday.***
أنا ماعرفش الشخص ده، بس ال message دي فضلت عندي لفترة طويلة علي ال desktop، لحد كارثة حصلت علي ال PC أودت بكل متعلقاتي لموارد الردي، دورت عليها مطولا لحد ما جبتها تاني، بس مالاقتش نصوص الإيميلات اللي كان حاطط عينة منها. وبرضه من ساعتها وهي عندي علي أي Desktop جديد لأي OS جديد باستخدمه.طيب ليه الهاكر ده أنا فاكره أوي كدة؟ مش عارف ! يمكن علشان لاقيته شبهي جدا. بيفكر زيي. لاقيته بيعاني في دنيا مش فاهماه ونظام تعليمي رديء بشدة. لاقي نفسه فاهم أكتر بكتير من اللي موجودين وحملة الشهادات، مع ذلك بيبصوله بنظرة استخفاف.أنا طلعت لأوضة السيرفرات في الكلية عندنا. مبدأيا، أحب أطمنك إنها لسة Windows-based . وأحب أطمنكم إنها لسة مفشوخة، ومافيش Security Team لحد دلوقت. ومافيش إشراف 24/7 ولا تطوير. ويمكن يكون مافيش تبريد جيد كمان ! في تدريب ليا في شركة Baker Hughes ، لاقيت ال trucksبتاعتهم اللي فيها كل ال Measurements Systems شغالة بنظام Unix-based . أما سألت المهندس، قال لي إن في شغل خطير زي شغلهم، هم مش هيحطوا لنفسهم risk إن النظام يهنج !
الموضوع ده نموذج مصغر للبلد دي بكل مساوئها. بلد اللي فيها بيفهم مش بيتقدر، واللي بيقدر يحفظ المقررات المتهالكة اللي عفي عليها الزمن بيبقي أستاذ بيدرس نفس الأسلوب العقيم للطلبة الجديدة.الحادثة دي كانت قبل الثورة بسنة ونصف. هل الوضع تغير بعد مضي ما يزيد علي ال3 سنوات من الثورة؟ الإجابة لأ ! نفس العفن والعقم والتخلف. نفس عدم تقدير العقول وإنتاج نفس الأجيال المبتسرة الضعيفة الغير قادرة علي مواجهة العالم القاسي اللي حوالينا. داحنا حتي ماعندناش عيادة ومركز صحة نفسية في الكلية !
أنا ماعنديش كلام أقوله زيادة. بس للشخص ده أيا كان هو وأينما كان، ده لو مانتحرش من القهر، أحب أقول له، انت مش لواحدك. ومش لواحدك اللي هتنتحر. اليأس في البلد دي بقي أسلوب حياة. أو زي ما قيل، هنا حيث تحطم الأحلام. والسلام ختام.