Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "pain"

When it hurts to look back...Life of pits, no cherries

'When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead' explains how I felt for many years.

But, when the past gets in the way of the future, sometimes the only choice is to look back.

As much as it hurt, I looked back to the worse time in my life and in that pain I began to write my memoir of that early life.

I was told I was a happy kid until I turned two. We had to live with my grandparents because Daddy wouldn't keep a job, but he didn't want Mama to work, so they fought all the time.

At two years old Daddy tried to kidnap me, but was caught before he got out of town.

After that, everyone in the family watched him closely for a long time. Then he began pushing me away and acting like he wished I'd never been born, so they let their guard down.

One night Mama and Daddy had a big fight because she'd taken a job to make ends meet. Daddy walked out, but after Mama went to work, he snuck back into the house in the middle of the night. He again, took me from my bed, but this time, he made a clean get away. I was three years old.

I didn't know how my life was going to change—forever.

From that night on I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate, not knowing if I'd ever know trust, real love, or happiness again...

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I watch them. Strangers walking down the street, smiling and laughing, and I wonder: What was their life like growing up? Did they have a normal life? Did their parents love them; tell them they were wanted? Were they told they were, and are, cherished?

As children, did they easily fit in with other kids, or go out of their way trying to fit in? Did they succeed, or were they laughed at? In a crowd, did they slink into a corner trying to be invisible? Did they get beatings—or whippings—or just grounded? Were they told how useless they were and they never should’ve been born?

As adults, do they have self-confidence or are they intimidated easily? Are they afraid to voice an opinion? Afraid of being ridiculed? Afraid of doing something wrong?

While watching these seemingly normal, happy men and women I wonder: Are their smiles are fake? Are they laughing outside, but crying inside?

Thanks to my father running off with me, most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I didn’t have a mother to confide in…to be my best friend. That dreadful night, as he drove away from the only home I’d ever known, I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

Starting at age three, my life was filled with sorrow, neglect and abuse—a life no child should ever experience. Hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me, I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate. I lived life on the run, starving, abused and terrified. So terrified, in order to survive, I split into multiple personalities. This disassociation allowed me to detach from the abuse as if it was not happening to me.

The first disassociation was with Daddy, but the number of times and the duration increased over the years as the abuse escalated. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, Daddy left me alone in the car for days while he went off with a woman. When he finally returned and told me he’d married her, I was devastated! I begged him to leave her, but he slapped me so hard I saw stars.

During the next two years, living with the evil stepmother, I found out just how bad things could get. She did awful things, but the worst—she sold me to her male friends for twenty bucks and a bottle of booze.

All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible things that had happened, but I couldn’t. I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For years I always wondered if I’d be a better person today if I’d had a normal life? What is normal anyway?

I wonder how many adult survivors have asked themselves that question? I’ve asked for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know. How could I? My life was as far from normal as it could possibly get.

Although unnerving, Bitter Memories is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and survive. Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars. My story deals with explosive topics that former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand.

My life was a living hell, one of extreme worst. But it doesn’t take extreme to mess up a child’s head. It doesn’t take extreme to drive a child beyond the breaking point.

Without professional help to deal with abuse issues, long term effects include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships.

Without help, abused kids continue to experience the trauma. Fear, insecurities, a sense of hopelessness prevents the child from living a happy, fulfilled life. Many times, as I did, victims relive their abuse in recurring nightmares.

Pain of abuse is so intense, yet victims feel they can’t talk to anyone about the abuse. They feel ashamed. They have low self esteem. In a crowd, they feel totally alone. Feelings of despair sets in; they believe the abuse was their fault; they’re being punished for being bad; life isn’t worth living. When this hidden pain inside becomes overwhelming, the victim is more likely to attempt suicide.

Child abuse, neglect and/or abduction are national epidemics. Sweeping it under the rug, or choosing to believe it doesn’t happen, won’t make it go away, nor does it change statistics: (1) Almost five children die daily from abuse in the United States. (2) Three million abuse reports—physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect—are made every year. (3) It’s estimated nearly 10 million cases will go unreported. (4) It’s estimated 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America today. (5) Girls are three times more likely to be sexually abused than boys, however, boys have a greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury than girls.

It doesn’t matter how abuse is inflicted, it still leaves a lasting impression on the victim. Homes in which women are beaten are at greater risk of having abused children. Children abused, as much as they don’t want to, often subject their own children to abuse.

If you see, or even suspect a child is being abused, report it immediately. It would be better to be wrong, than to be right and do nothing, and you may help save a child from a lifetime of heartache.

All an abused child needs is a chance and an environment full of love and kindness to show them how truly important they are.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father.

As I stated in the last blog, Bitter Memories is not an easy book to read, but it is a story that needed to be shared with the world.

Not only for my own personal healing. Not only for others like me who still suffer from a life of abuse. But for people who have no clue or don't understand what child abuse can do to a kid.

Sitting here writing this blog entry, I'm thinking back to the night Daddy took me from my bed in the middle of the night. Not happy memories, that's for sure. I also think that I could have been one of the “milk carton kids" if they were putting pictures of abducted kids on cartons back in the 1950's. But, the first child's picture didn't appear on a milk carton until 1979.

I've always wondered IF my picture had been on a carton would anyone notice? All those times Daddy left me in the car all alone, many times for several days and nights, would anyone care enough to call the police? Would anyone get involved?

I like to think someone would.

Awareness is the other reason I had to tell my story. It's time to stop sweeping child abuse under the rug! It's time for everyone to step up and get involved when they see or suspect a child is being abused.

I believe if people know the signs of child abuse, they'll care. They will get involved. They will make that one important call to help a child.

If just one person had reported a little kid being in a car all alone, my life could've been so much better. I wouldn't have suffered all those years at the hands of any adult -- or even other children -- who wanted to hurt me.

And there were many abusers who crossed my path in those six long, terrifying years.

Some may say: "I don't want to read a sad story. I don't want to know what this child went through," but let me tell you this...I didn't want to go through the suffering and the pain I endured, either.

But I didn't have a choice. Ripped from my home, my mother, my grandparents, everything I knew and loved, I was at the hands of a man who I believed would never hurt me.

Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, not hurt them!

My father told me time and again how much he loved me. He "showed" me time and again how much he loved me. He said he'd take care of me and we'd be together forever.

He said a lot of things, but they were all lies.

Everyone who comes across my books, or other books similar to mine, has a choice. They can either pretend that child abuse doesn't exist, or they can read and learn from someone who's lived that life.

If you do read my books, it's okay to cry. However, cry for that innocent little child, but please don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me! I don't need that, because I am a survivor!

That little kid was the victim, cry for her, but learn from her! Learn to notice the children you see around you! Watch for signs that they might be abused.

The signs are not hard to spot. What is hard, is for the children not to have anyone who cares. The abuser sure doesn't care! It takes people like you to notice, to suspect that a child isn't being treated right. It takes caring people to make that call to the police or child protective services.

It takes YOU, and every other person on this planet to be aware!

You don't have to "know for sure" a child is being abused to make a call. You can "suspect" a child isn't being treated right and call. Only then can the authorities investigate to find out if a child is in danger.

And, yes! child abuse is dangerous. The guilt we live with can be enough to push us over the edge. Seeing no way out of our pain, our sorrow, a child of abuse can take his or her own life. I know. I gave up all hope and I attempted suicide. I almost succeeded, too. Another five minutes and I would have died.

I believe I lived that night because I still had a purpose. I'm glad I failed because I believe my purpose was to tell my story so another child could be saved from a life of hell. The only way I know to do this is by making people aware of child abuse. If I can help it, I don't want another child to suffer like I did.

As heartbreaking as it is to read a story like mine, think about the innocent children. They need us to care! They need us to get involved when we see or suspect child abuse. The child will never know that special person who saved them from that life of abuse, but believe me, one day he or she will be thanking the "angel" who cared.

I was ten years old before I even knew what Christmas was, and this time of year is still hard on me. It's hard on all kids who live with abuse. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, but for abused kids there are no "happy" times. Sure, we learn to put up a good front when needed, but inside, we still suffer.

My heart goes out to all the kids/adults still living with "that secret" that you feel can't be shared. But you need to know, there is hope! There are people who care, and help is available.

Just DON'T GIVE UP!

And this (I think) is my last "soapbox" post, at least for a while.

Please go to my website, get my books and read and learn from my life of abuse. Share my story with others. YOU can make a difference in a child's life!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father, living a life on the run, hungry, abused and terrified...

Daddy had lied from the start, even while dating Mama. He told everyone he was an only child, but he had a brother...a twin brother!

We stayed with this brother and his family for quite awhile, but Uncle Frank wasn't a nice man, and his three sons were no better than their father. Staying with them was one of the worst and most terrifying times in my short life...


Other books in this series — creative non-fiction/crime fiction:
Trophy Murders is not only an action-packed pure fiction crime story, but I take you deeper into the journey of true events after going to live with Uncle Henry (the cop) and his heavy-handed wife, Olivia. A life I wouldn’t wish on any kid!

Cutter's Revenge continues my story after my adoption. While another fictionalized serial killer stalks our little town, I write my story the way it could have been if...turning my life into a fantastic, exciting, and happy ending!

My Newest Book — non-fiction:
From The Heart is a book of fifteen poems written from events in my life. Included are short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. This book is also available in audio, with Beth MacEwan narrating. Beth did a wonderful job bringing life to each poem and story. It is awesome!



NOTE: Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival is NOT a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and my struggle to survive. It contains strong language and heart-breaking content, but it was my life. The language is toned down in the other books in this trilogy, and the abuse isn't nearly as intense or as often.

All my books are based on or from events in my life and have received 4 and 5 star reviews. Please consider my books as a great gift this Christmas, either for yourself or for a loved one. Enjoy!

To learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my new poetry book, plus other books coming soon, please follow the link below to my website:

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen