Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "child"

Dreams...

A new life of: Happiness and Health

A new life without: Fear or Pain or Sorrow

Who am I?

I am a survivor of child abuse…

I am the author of Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. Although my story is heart-wrenching, it’s also a story of my fight for survival in a world of hunger, abuse and fear while on the run from the police and my family left behind after I was kidnapped by my father in the middle of the night. I was only three years old.

My story is an unnervingly gripping account of the extremes of neglect and mistreatment a child can undergo — and still survive. However, I didn’t do this alone. I had wonderful guardian angels to help me. I was so terrified from the abuse that I split into multiple personalities just to survive.

My book tells all. I didn’t hold back any feelings whatsoever, using “colorful” language that went right along with these feelings. Bitter Memories took 40+ years to write because the pain of remembering was so powerful, so overwhelming, I had to change my name in the book, like I was writing about someone else, not me, just so I could write my life story. Names of everyone involved were changed to protect the innocent—and the guilty.

My story was told to help other child abuse survivors know they are not alone. There are others who understand and won’t look down on them. By sharing my life story, other survivors can come forward and find a path toward healing their pain.

My dream is to help rid the world of child abuse. By survivors telling our stories, the horrors of this national epidemic can be changed. Together we can help protect our children and keep them safe.

Who am I?

I am a survivor with a dream…

You can visit my website to learn more. http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

When it hurts to look back...Life of pits, no cherries

'When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead' explains how I felt for many years.

But, when the past gets in the way of the future, sometimes the only choice is to look back.

As much as it hurt, I looked back to the worse time in my life and in that pain I began to write my memoir of that early life.

I was told I was a happy kid until I turned two. We had to live with my grandparents because Daddy wouldn't keep a job, but he didn't want Mama to work, so they fought all the time.

At two years old Daddy tried to kidnap me, but was caught before he got out of town.

After that, everyone in the family watched him closely for a long time. Then he began pushing me away and acting like he wished I'd never been born, so they let their guard down.

One night Mama and Daddy had a big fight because she'd taken a job to make ends meet. Daddy walked out, but after Mama went to work, he snuck back into the house in the middle of the night. He again, took me from my bed, but this time, he made a clean get away. I was three years old.

I didn't know how my life was going to change—forever.

From that night on I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate, not knowing if I'd ever know trust, real love, or happiness again...

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Can you imagine the thoughts that would go through a little girl's head after being kidnapped in the middle of the night?

When Daddy took me from my bed telling me we were going on a trip, I was so excited. But, as he carried me out to the car—that he'd left running—I began to get scared. I didn't know why. I was with Daddy, afterall. And Daddy wouldn't do anything to hurt me...would he?

As he slowly drove away from the house I felt something was wrong. It wasn't until he neared the highway and told me to lie down and go back to sleep that I remembered Judy. I screamed for him to go back to the house. He'd picked me up so quickly that I'd left Judy, my doll, my best friend in the whole world, on my bed.

He just had to go back for her!

But Daddy only yelled and again told me to lie down and go to sleep. How could I sleep without Judy? I'd never been without her since my second birthday when Daddy had given her to me. I cried and cried and begged him to go back. He became furious, and with fire in his eyes, he turned around in the seat and told me to shut up about the damn doll. When I couldn't stop crying, he threatened if he had to pull the car over to the side of the road he would give me something to cry about.

It was then that I knew something else was wrong. Terribly wrong. Daddy had never hit me or yelled at me before. He was acting so mean; I believed I would be very sorry if he stopped the car. I also thought, by the way he was acting, that he didn't love me anymore. But how could that be? He was taking me on a trip, wasn't he?

As night turned to day and back to night again I began to wonder if I'd ever see my home again, my grandparents, or even my mother.

I felt so lost. So scared. So alone. What would I do if I lost Daddy? I had to stop making him mad at me! I worshipped Daddy. It was my fault he got mad and yelled at me. All I had to do was be a good girl and everything would be okay.

I didn't know how my life was going to change—forever...

I'll be adding more blogs, but if you can't wait, please visit my website to learn more about me and my book.
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

I watch them. Strangers walking down the street, smiling and laughing, and I wonder: What was their life like growing up? Did they have a normal life? Did their parents love them; tell them they were wanted? Were they told they were, and are, cherished?

As children, did they easily fit in with other kids, or go out of their way trying to fit in? Did they succeed, or were they laughed at? In a crowd, did they slink into a corner trying to be invisible? Did they get beatings—or whippings—or just grounded? Were they told how useless they were and they never should’ve been born?

As adults, do they have self-confidence or are they intimidated easily? Are they afraid to voice an opinion? Afraid of being ridiculed? Afraid of doing something wrong?

While watching these seemingly normal, happy men and women I wonder: Are their smiles are fake? Are they laughing outside, but crying inside?

Thanks to my father running off with me, most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I didn’t have a mother to confide in…to be my best friend. That dreadful night, as he drove away from the only home I’d ever known, I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

Starting at age three, my life was filled with sorrow, neglect and abuse—a life no child should ever experience. Hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me, I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate. I lived life on the run, starving, abused and terrified. So terrified, in order to survive, I split into multiple personalities. This disassociation allowed me to detach from the abuse as if it was not happening to me.

The first disassociation was with Daddy, but the number of times and the duration increased over the years as the abuse escalated. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any worse, Daddy left me alone in the car for days while he went off with a woman. When he finally returned and told me he’d married her, I was devastated! I begged him to leave her, but he slapped me so hard I saw stars.

During the next two years, living with the evil stepmother, I found out just how bad things could get. She did awful things, but the worst—she sold me to her male friends for twenty bucks and a bottle of booze.

All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible things that had happened, but I couldn’t. I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For years I always wondered if I’d be a better person today if I’d had a normal life? What is normal anyway?

I wonder how many adult survivors have asked themselves that question? I’ve asked for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know. How could I? My life was as far from normal as it could possibly get.

Although unnerving, Bitter Memories is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and survive. Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars. My story deals with explosive topics that former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand.

My life was a living hell, one of extreme worst. But it doesn’t take extreme to mess up a child’s head. It doesn’t take extreme to drive a child beyond the breaking point.

Without professional help to deal with abuse issues, long term effects include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, tendency toward substance abuse and difficulty with close relationships.

Without help, abused kids continue to experience the trauma. Fear, insecurities, a sense of hopelessness prevents the child from living a happy, fulfilled life. Many times, as I did, victims relive their abuse in recurring nightmares.

Pain of abuse is so intense, yet victims feel they can’t talk to anyone about the abuse. They feel ashamed. They have low self esteem. In a crowd, they feel totally alone. Feelings of despair sets in; they believe the abuse was their fault; they’re being punished for being bad; life isn’t worth living. When this hidden pain inside becomes overwhelming, the victim is more likely to attempt suicide.

Child abuse, neglect and/or abduction are national epidemics. Sweeping it under the rug, or choosing to believe it doesn’t happen, won’t make it go away, nor does it change statistics: (1) Almost five children die daily from abuse in the United States. (2) Three million abuse reports—physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect—are made every year. (3) It’s estimated nearly 10 million cases will go unreported. (4) It’s estimated 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America today. (5) Girls are three times more likely to be sexually abused than boys, however, boys have a greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury than girls.

It doesn’t matter how abuse is inflicted, it still leaves a lasting impression on the victim. Homes in which women are beaten are at greater risk of having abused children. Children abused, as much as they don’t want to, often subject their own children to abuse.

If you see, or even suspect a child is being abused, report it immediately. It would be better to be wrong, than to be right and do nothing, and you may help save a child from a lifetime of heartache.

All an abused child needs is a chance and an environment full of love and kindness to show them how truly important they are.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...

I didn’t know it at the time, but the FBI had been called in to try and find me. Uncle Henry and my grandfather were blaming themselves for my kidnapping because they’d let their guard down. But, why wouldn’t they? For months Daddy had been acting like he hated me, and he’d said many times that he didn’t want to be tied down with a snotty-nosed kid. So why would he kidnap a kid he hated so much…?

Mama began drinking more and more trying to drown her sorrow. Then one day she realized she was a full-blown alcoholic. However, she didn’t care, and said…


Other two books in this series — creative non-fiction/crime fiction:
Trophy Murders is not only an action-packed crime story of pure fiction, but I take you deeper into the journey of true events after going to live with Uncle Henry (the cop) and his heavy-handed wife, Olivia. A life I wouldn't wish on any kid!

Cutter's Revenge continues my story after my adoption. While another fictionalized serial killer stalks our little town, I write part of my story the way it could have been if...turning this part of my life into a fantastic and exciting ending!

My Newest Book — non-fiction
From The Heart is a book of fifteen poems written from events in my life. Included are short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. This book is also available in audio, with Beth MacEwan narrating. Beth did a wonderful job bringing life to each poem and story. It is awesome!

To learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my new poetry book, plus other books coming soon, please follow the link below to my website.

NOTE: Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival is NOT a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and my struggle to survive. It contains strong language and heart-breaking content, but it was my life. The language is toned down in the other books in this trilogy, and the abuse isn't nearly as intense or as often.

All my books are based on or from events in my life and have received 4 and 5 star reviews. Please consider my books as a great gift this Christmas, either for yourself or for a loved one. Enjoy!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen