Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "hate"
Looking Back
'When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead' explains how I felt for many years.
But, when the past gets in the way of the future, sometimes the only choice is to look back.
As much as it hurt, I looked back to the worse time in my life and in that pain I began to write my memoir of that early life.
I was told I was a happy kid until I turned two. We had to live with my grandparents because Daddy wouldn't keep a job, but he didn't want Mama to work, so they fought all the time.
At two years old Daddy tried to kidnap me, but was caught before he got out of town.
After that, everyone in the family watched him closely for a long time. Then he began pushing me away and acting like he wished I'd never been born, so they let their guard down.
One night Mama and Daddy had a big fight because she'd taken a job to make ends meet. Daddy walked out, but after Mama went to work, he snuck back into the house in the middle of the night. He again, took me from my bed, but this time, he made a clean get away. I was three years old.
I didn't know how my life was going to change—forever.
From that night on I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate, not knowing if I'd ever know trust, real love, or happiness again...
Book 3 of the Bitter Memories Series
Made it to the last chapter, but nearing the end, the story took on a life of its own. Although exciting, is was an unexpected turn.
However, I did finish that one last night, and am again trying to write the last chapter...see what happens this time...
Will it get finished? Or, will there be another surprise hidden inside my head?
Stay tuned...Cutter's Revenge is in the works!
Bitter Memories Review......
By Amelia - This review is from: BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (Kindle Edition)
If anyone ever had any doubt about the possible ugliness in the world, they need only read "Bitter Memories" to look into the cruelty that is capable of beating in the hearts of people.
There is no rise and fall of bad events for Sarah's life. Nothing gets better; the little girl's life merely continues to spiral with a hurricane of grief, abuse, and a loveless life. On a journey with her abusive Daddy, who she can't help but love and trust, Sarah is constantly meeting new friends and relatives of her father who only add to her misery. Starvation, beatings, molestation - it seems nearly everyone Sarah meets wants to abuse her somehow.
With no one to turn to, what else is a little girl to do but make up her own heroes in her head? Readers may interpret the people Sarah sees as imaginary friends, multiple personalities, or guardian angels. Either way, the only escape afforded to the little girl are friends that no one else can see. In times when she can't take anymore, her other personalities take to take, acting as a shield for Sarah. What may seem as a side-effect of Sarah's torment may actually be what saves the pure girl.
Though there is no upside to the story of an abused child, reading a book like this will at least motivate more people to become more aware of child abuse. It is nearly impossible to ignore that inner mama bear, or papa bear, that roars against injustice for helpless children.
EXCERPTS FROM THE BITTER MEMOIRES TRILOGY
Excerpt from Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival: I stayed in my room until I had to go to the bathroom. When I couldn't hold it any longer, I cracked open my door just enough to squeeze through, then slithered along the wall, trying to stay in the shadows. I made it halfway down the hall, unnoticed, when I felt a tug on my hair and I was slammed into the wall...
Excerpt from the second book, Trophy Murders: "Sarah, please don't get mad at me, but sometimes you talk and act like a different person. You say the f-word a lot, and you get a weird look on your face when you talk about men. Even your voice changes. It sounds harsh and raspy, and so cold...
Excerpt from the last in the trilogy, Cutter's Revenge: "I never approved of Daddy's way of life, but what could I do? I was just a little kid! Those years I lived with him on the run, it took everything I had just to survive the hunger...the abuse. If any hate should be slung, I should be the one slinging for the way Daddy treated me all those years..."
A Reader Said...
"Sue Julsen's books make a very nice Christmas gift! She writes everything from the heart, leaving readers spellbound. Highly recommend." C.W.
I do write from the heart, taking readers on a journey into my life...into my world as a child, abused and terrified, trying to survive...
The crime fiction included in the second and third books of the Bitter Memories trilogy (Trophy Murders and Cutter's Revenge), I delve into my killer's head, and into his heart.
This Christmas give gifts that open another world...give the gift of adventure and learning...Books really do make wonderful gifts!
Check out the bitter memories trilogy, and From The Heart, my book of poetry (also available in audio). All e-books/kindle only $2.99 each!
Head on over to my website to learn more: http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen
NOTE: Due to strong language and content, the trilogy is not suitable for children.
LITTLE GIRL LOST (part 3)
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...
Constantly on the road day and night, I hadn't had anything to eat since we'd left home, and that had been several days ago. I was so hungry my stomach hurt.
Daddy was still acting very strange, but he kept telling me to go back to sleep and we'd get something to eat when we got to a town.
When I awoke to find the car not moving, I sat up to look around and I saw Daddy...
Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio. You can listen to a preview at Amazon — it is awesome!
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen
NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!
LITTLE GIRL LOST (part 4)
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...
Still on the road, hungry and scared, I sleep very little. I pretend to be asleep, but I’m waiting for the chance to trick Daddy. And, in a very short time I became very good at tricking him…
Back home, when Mama came home from work, not finding me in my bed, she checked the house and the backyard. She couldn’t find me anywhere, and my grandparents also hadn’t seen me all morning. She became distraught and called her brother, Henry, a cop…
Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio. You can listen to a preview at Amazon — it is awesome!
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen
NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!
LITTLE GIRL LOST (part 13)
Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father.
As I stated in the last blog, Bitter Memories is not an easy book to read, but it is a story that needed to be shared with the world.
Not only for my own personal healing. Not only for others like me who still suffer from a life of abuse. But for people who have no clue or don't understand what child abuse can do to a kid.
Sitting here writing this blog entry, I'm thinking back to the night Daddy took me from my bed in the middle of the night. Not happy memories, that's for sure. I also think that I could have been one of the “milk carton kids" if they were putting pictures of abducted kids on cartons back in the 1950's. But, the first child's picture didn't appear on a milk carton until 1979.
I've always wondered IF my picture had been on a carton would anyone notice? All those times Daddy left me in the car all alone, many times for several days and nights, would anyone care enough to call the police? Would anyone get involved?
I like to think someone would.
Awareness is the other reason I had to tell my story. It's time to stop sweeping child abuse under the rug! It's time for everyone to step up and get involved when they see or suspect a child is being abused.
I believe if people know the signs of child abuse, they'll care. They will get involved. They will make that one important call to help a child.
If just one person had reported a little kid being in a car all alone, my life could've been so much better. I wouldn't have suffered all those years at the hands of any adult -- or even other children -- who wanted to hurt me.
And there were many abusers who crossed my path in those six long, terrifying years.
Some may say: "I don't want to read a sad story. I don't want to know what this child went through," but let me tell you this...I didn't want to go through the suffering and the pain I endured, either.
But I didn't have a choice. Ripped from my home, my mother, my grandparents, everything I knew and loved, I was at the hands of a man who I believed would never hurt me.
Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, not hurt them!
My father told me time and again how much he loved me. He "showed" me time and again how much he loved me. He said he'd take care of me and we'd be together forever.
He said a lot of things, but they were all lies.
Everyone who comes across my books, or other books similar to mine, has a choice. They can either pretend that child abuse doesn't exist, or they can read and learn from someone who's lived that life.
If you do read my books, it's okay to cry. However, cry for that innocent little child, but please don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me! I don't need that, because I am a survivor!
That little kid was the victim, cry for her, but learn from her! Learn to notice the children you see around you! Watch for signs that they might be abused.
The signs are not hard to spot. What is hard, is for the children not to have anyone who cares. The abuser sure doesn't care! It takes people like you to notice, to suspect that a child isn't being treated right. It takes caring people to make that call to the police or child protective services.
It takes YOU, and every other person on this planet to be aware!
You don't have to "know for sure" a child is being abused to make a call. You can "suspect" a child isn't being treated right and call. Only then can the authorities investigate to find out if a child is in danger.
And, yes! child abuse is dangerous. The guilt we live with can be enough to push us over the edge. Seeing no way out of our pain, our sorrow, a child of abuse can take his or her own life. I know. I gave up all hope and I attempted suicide. I almost succeeded, too. Another five minutes and I would have died.
I believe I lived that night because I still had a purpose. I'm glad I failed because I believe my purpose was to tell my story so another child could be saved from a life of hell. The only way I know to do this is by making people aware of child abuse. If I can help it, I don't want another child to suffer like I did.
As heartbreaking as it is to read a story like mine, think about the innocent children. They need us to care! They need us to get involved when we see or suspect child abuse. The child will never know that special person who saved them from that life of abuse, but believe me, one day he or she will be thanking the "angel" who cared.
I was ten years old before I even knew what Christmas was, and this time of year is still hard on me. It's hard on all kids who live with abuse. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, but for abused kids there are no "happy" times. Sure, we learn to put up a good front when needed, but inside, we still suffer.
My heart goes out to all the kids/adults still living with "that secret" that you feel can't be shared. But you need to know, there is hope! There are people who care, and help is available.
Just DON'T GIVE UP!
And this (I think) is my last "soapbox" post, at least for a while.
Please go to my website, get my books and read and learn from my life of abuse. Share my story with others. YOU can make a difference in a child's life!
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen
BITTER MEMORIES, the LIES (part 3)
Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father, living a life on the run, hungry, abused and terrified...
I don’t even know if Daddy knew how to tell the truth. His whole life consisted of one lie after the other, but two of the biggest lies told to me were:
1) I’ll never hurt you
2) I’ll never leave you
Daddy did both of these, many, many times.
Of course, the first time he hurt me was by kidnapping me, but compared to the other hurts over the years, the kidnapping was nothing! He hurt me by yelling at me, something he never did until after the kidnapping, and he backhanded me a few times, also something he’d never done to me before running off with me.
He knocked Mama around, a lot, but with me, the few months before he took me from my bed in the middle of the night, he just acted like he hated me…like he wished I’d never been born. That hurt, deeply, but even that didn’t hurt as much as what happened the time we stopped at a motel…
Other books in this series — creative non-fiction/crime fiction:
Trophy Murders is not only an action-packed pure fiction crime story, but I take you deeper into the journey of true events after going to live with Uncle Henry (the cop) and his heavy-handed wife, Olivia. A life I wouldn’t wish on any kid!
Cutter's Revenge continues my story after my adoption. While another fictionalized serial killer stalks our little town, I write my story the way it could have been if...turning my life into a fantastic, exciting, and happy ending!
My Newest Book — non-fiction:
From The Heart is a collection of fifteen poems written from events in my life, including short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. This book is also available in audio with Beth MacEwan narrating. She did a fantastic job bringing life to each poem and story. It is awesome!
NOTE: Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival is NOT a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and my struggle to survive. It contains strong language and heartbreaking content, but it was my life. The language is toned down in the other books in this trilogy, and the abuse isn't nearly as intense or as often, and tossing in the serial killers does make for a very exciting (even a bit twisted and sadistic) read.
All these books are based on or from events in my life and have received 4 and 5 star reviews. If you still need a gift this Christmas, or would just like a new read for yourself, please consider one or all of my books. Thanks, and Enjoy!
To learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, my new poetry book, plus other books coming soon (just waiting on cover art to be finished), please follow the link below to my website:
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen
WILL THERE BE ANOTHER IN THE SERIES?
All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible, unspeakable things that had happened to me as a child, but I couldn’t.
I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Starting at age three, kidnapped, neglected and molested—a life no child should ever experience—hurt time and again by people claiming to love me, growing up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate, my heart filled with unbearable sorrow.
Thanks to my father running off with me, I lived a life on the run, starving, abused and terrified. So terrified, in order to survive, I split into multiple personalities. This disassociation allowed me to detach from the abuse as if it was not happening to me.
But, without my other personalities I would have died at the hands of all those people who claimed to love me. Without those voices in my head, there would be no Bitter Memories series; no book of poetry. There would be no me at all.
Most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt ashamed. I felt the way I had been treated was my fault!I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted.
My life was a living hell; one of the extreme worst.
As more time passed, I felt my life wasn’t worth living. The pain from my abuse became so intense! My hidden pain became so overwhelming I attempted suicide—more than once. However, the last attempt was almost successful. The doctor at the hospital said, “Another five minutes, I wouldn’t have been able to save you.”
Although unnerving, my story is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and still survive.
Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars before it was too late for them.
My story deals with explosive topics former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand, while helping others not familiar with child abuse, or it's effects, learn so they too will know how to save a child from years of pain and sorrow.
NOTE: Bitter Memories is not a cozy, feel-good book. It is a true story of extreme and horrific child abuse and the will to survive.
1) Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (non-fiction) is written like a novel for easier reading of this difficult subject as I begin the true story of my life after being kidnapped by my father.
2) Trophy Murders (creative non-fiction/crime fiction) delves into my vivid, “where did that come from” imagination to deliver an action-packed crime story; mixing in truth as I continue the journey after going to live with Uncle Henry (the cop) and his heavy-handed wife, Olivia. A life I wouldn’t wish on any kid!
3) Cutter's Revenge (psychological thriller/crime fiction) mixes truth with a ton of suspense to get the heart racing as my imagination runs as rampant as the stalking serial killer bringing terror around every turn! Using many of the same characters, I introduce several new ones — many you’ll love, some you’ll love to hate — and I give you a happy ending! Also, I had more fun writing this book than the other two combined!
My newest book below could be considered a continuation of the series, but without serial killers (darn it). LOL
From The Heart (non-fiction) is a collection of fifteen inspirational poems from other times in my life. It also includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. Starting with a little background, then moving into my first poem written at age nine after the death of my mother, I expose feelings I've never shared with anyone before writing this book of poetry. This book is also available in audio with Beth MacEwan narrating.
So, will there be another in the Bitter Memories series? Time will tell, but there just might be.
To learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my book of poetry, please visit my website:
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen
