Sue Julsen's Blog - Posts Tagged "healing"

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father...

The farther Daddy drove from Texas the more he began to relax. Finally seeing him smile, I decided to try and talk to him and sat up in the backseat. I needed to know if Mama was all right, and I also wanted to know when we’d go home.

He became furious the moment I asked about Mama and told me to never mention her name again. With fire in his eyes, he told me she didn’t love him, or me...

Back home - Mama was going out of her mind. She was scared that she’d never see me again, and as more and more time passed without hearing a word about me, out of grief she turned to alcohol as a means of escape…


Please visit my website to learn more about the bitter memories trilogy, and my poetry book, From The Heart, also based on events in my life, that includes short stories that inspired the writing of each poem. From The Heart is also available in audio, and you can also listen to a sample at Amazon — it is awesome!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

NOTE: This is not a cozy, feel-good book. It's a true story of extreme child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language, heart-wrenching content!

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival
True Story of a little girl (me) kidnapped by her father.

As I stated in the last blog, Bitter Memories is not an easy book to read, but it is a story that needed to be shared with the world.

Not only for my own personal healing. Not only for others like me who still suffer from a life of abuse. But for people who have no clue or don't understand what child abuse can do to a kid.

Sitting here writing this blog entry, I'm thinking back to the night Daddy took me from my bed in the middle of the night. Not happy memories, that's for sure. I also think that I could have been one of the “milk carton kids" if they were putting pictures of abducted kids on cartons back in the 1950's. But, the first child's picture didn't appear on a milk carton until 1979.

I've always wondered IF my picture had been on a carton would anyone notice? All those times Daddy left me in the car all alone, many times for several days and nights, would anyone care enough to call the police? Would anyone get involved?

I like to think someone would.

Awareness is the other reason I had to tell my story. It's time to stop sweeping child abuse under the rug! It's time for everyone to step up and get involved when they see or suspect a child is being abused.

I believe if people know the signs of child abuse, they'll care. They will get involved. They will make that one important call to help a child.

If just one person had reported a little kid being in a car all alone, my life could've been so much better. I wouldn't have suffered all those years at the hands of any adult -- or even other children -- who wanted to hurt me.

And there were many abusers who crossed my path in those six long, terrifying years.

Some may say: "I don't want to read a sad story. I don't want to know what this child went through," but let me tell you this...I didn't want to go through the suffering and the pain I endured, either.

But I didn't have a choice. Ripped from my home, my mother, my grandparents, everything I knew and loved, I was at the hands of a man who I believed would never hurt me.

Parents are supposed to love and protect their children, not hurt them!

My father told me time and again how much he loved me. He "showed" me time and again how much he loved me. He said he'd take care of me and we'd be together forever.

He said a lot of things, but they were all lies.

Everyone who comes across my books, or other books similar to mine, has a choice. They can either pretend that child abuse doesn't exist, or they can read and learn from someone who's lived that life.

If you do read my books, it's okay to cry. However, cry for that innocent little child, but please don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me! I don't need that, because I am a survivor!

That little kid was the victim, cry for her, but learn from her! Learn to notice the children you see around you! Watch for signs that they might be abused.

The signs are not hard to spot. What is hard, is for the children not to have anyone who cares. The abuser sure doesn't care! It takes people like you to notice, to suspect that a child isn't being treated right. It takes caring people to make that call to the police or child protective services.

It takes YOU, and every other person on this planet to be aware!

You don't have to "know for sure" a child is being abused to make a call. You can "suspect" a child isn't being treated right and call. Only then can the authorities investigate to find out if a child is in danger.

And, yes! child abuse is dangerous. The guilt we live with can be enough to push us over the edge. Seeing no way out of our pain, our sorrow, a child of abuse can take his or her own life. I know. I gave up all hope and I attempted suicide. I almost succeeded, too. Another five minutes and I would have died.

I believe I lived that night because I still had a purpose. I'm glad I failed because I believe my purpose was to tell my story so another child could be saved from a life of hell. The only way I know to do this is by making people aware of child abuse. If I can help it, I don't want another child to suffer like I did.

As heartbreaking as it is to read a story like mine, think about the innocent children. They need us to care! They need us to get involved when we see or suspect child abuse. The child will never know that special person who saved them from that life of abuse, but believe me, one day he or she will be thanking the "angel" who cared.

I was ten years old before I even knew what Christmas was, and this time of year is still hard on me. It's hard on all kids who live with abuse. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, but for abused kids there are no "happy" times. Sure, we learn to put up a good front when needed, but inside, we still suffer.

My heart goes out to all the kids/adults still living with "that secret" that you feel can't be shared. But you need to know, there is hope! There are people who care, and help is available.

Just DON'T GIVE UP!

And this (I think) is my last "soapbox" post, at least for a while.

Please go to my website, get my books and read and learn from my life of abuse. Share my story with others. YOU can make a difference in a child's life!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

It’s amazing how survivors of childhood abuse can go for days, months, or even years, feeling good, believing life has finally turned around, then all of a sudden, bam, we’re once again remembering and reliving those terrifying memories from the past.

The scars from childhood abuse runs so deep, even after years of therapy, we can’t fully shake what happened to us. We aren’t feeling sorry for ourselves when this happens. It’s just part of our lives; it’s what we have to deal with time and time again.

Something as simple as an innocent phrase uttered by a friend, or overhearing something someone on the street says, can trigger these memories. Even a tone of voice can bring back times when abuse occurred.

There’s no way to escape the power of the mind as it continues to hang onto memories — good and bad. As a survivor of child abuse, we have to learn how to deal with these memories whenever they decide to raise their ugly heads. We have to learn how to not strike out at others for something they say or do to bring back that horrible time for us. But it’s not easy. The first instinct when hurt is to strike back. It’s built in survival.

But, as children we couldn’t strike back.

As children, we had to endure whatever came our way, whether it was verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. To fight back would only make the abuse more painful. Verbal abuse could so easily turn physical, while physical and sexual abuse could turn so violent that we might not live through it.

Maybe you think those suffering from abuse might be better off to actually die. Well, as a child, many of us did pray night after night to not wake up the next day. We hurt, not only physically, but mentally. At the time of the abuse, for some, we believed dying would have been a blessing, but somewhere deep inside of us was the will to live. There was always the hope that life would get better. There was always the hope that someone would rescue us from our tormentor.

Unfortunately, many children who are abused do die. They don’t get the chance to be rescued, or to learn there is life after abuse. They never get to experience a life other than being hurt, many brutally beaten to death.

My heart goes out to all these children who never had a chance. My heart goes out to all the children who have lived a life of abuse and were lucky to survive, because I know their suffering. My heart goes out to all the adult survivors of abuse; especially the ones who have not yet learned how to love; how to trust another person.

But, it’s not easy for us to love or to trust. Many times our abuse came from a family member or close friends of the family. They were people who claimed to love us, then turned on us and hurt us. As adult survivors, we remember those empty words. We remember wanting to believe, wanting love. We wanted to know the nurturing of a mother and father. We wanted a healthy relationship with uncles and aunts, and friends. But we were cheated out of a “normal” life. We lived knowing pain and suffering and fear.

It’s no surprise survivors of abuse find it hard to love and trust another person. When we do try to love, to give a person the chance to love us, we’re always waiting for that hand to fall, for hurtful words to be screamed, for that pain we’d always lived with to return.

It takes a strong man or woman to deal with our pain. For the person who will take the time to know us, to love us, to understand what life was like for us, and to learn that we are not damaged goods, he or she will be greatly rewarded. We are human beings wanting love. We want to forget the past and to trust. It takes a very strong partner or friend to stick by us, giving us strength and hope, and unconditional love. But, one thing about abuse survivors is this: when we do finally find that one person we can love and trust, as long as we are not betrayed, he or she will have our love, our heart and our soul.

As children from a background of abuse, we lived through unspeakable things. We lived through a life that many times would have been so much easier to just give up and die. But to survive we had to have the will to live. We were fighters, but not in the traditional sense of the word. We were inward fighters, refusing to give up, refusing to lie down and die.

We were innocent children, living in a cruel and hurtful world, unable to stand up to those big monsters towering over us. Many times we were threatened if we didn’t obey the monsters wishes. We didn’t deserve the life we lived. We did nothing to be treated as we were, to be threatened or, in our minds, punished.

We were innocent victims, then. But as adults, we are not victims any longer. We ARE survivors!

My own personal story of kidnapping and abuse is told in Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. I lived with years of abuse. Most of my abuse was extreme, but my feelings and my pain were no different from any child who has lived with abuse. In the sequel, Drowning In Memories, I continue my story, living past the abuse, when all memories were not bad.

Bitter Memories is not easy to read. It is not sugarcoated to make it better than it was, or described any worse than it was. I did not clean up the language heard on a daily basis. I did change the names and locale to protect the innocent — and even the guilty.

I told my story, exactly as I remember it, to help other survivors still suffering to find their path toward healing, but also to help people who do not know about the effects of child abuse to understand what that kind of life is like for a child.

I wanted society to learn from my experiences so they would not sit back and do absolutely nothing to help a child being abused. I also hoped society would learn and accept and help all of us who come forward to tell our own stories, instead of condemning us for a life we had no control over. As survivors of child abuse, extreme or not, we have suffered enough.

From emails and letters I receive daily from readers, my hopes and prayers are being answered. These letters and emails let me know I did not put myself out there for nothing. Thank you so much for reading my story, learning from it, and for telling others so they too can learn and understand.

Of course there will always be people who don’t care to understand, who continue to say hurtful things. For these people I ask this: If a child or an adult survivor comes to you, please be kind. Try to listen and try to understand. Please don’t ridicule or condemn. You could be the saving light for this survivor.

For the ones who were (and are) still suffering, a very special thank you goes out to all who have contacted me after reading my story. You took the first step in leaving your past behind. I’m so proud of all of you! After living in painful silence for so many years, you now know you are not alone. You are survivors, moving forward, ready to live a happier, peaceful life. The steps toward healing will not be easy, but remember this: The road to success is always under construction, but the repairs to get to the end of that road are so worth the effort. No matter what gets in your path, just don’t ever quit. You are worth it!

Discover all my books in the Bitter Memories Series, the Revenge Series, and more on my website. You will not want to miss reading Cutter’s Revenge, the last in the bitter memories series, where I get tons of “safe and purely fictional revenge” toward some who hurt me as a child.

For my fiction readers, Trophy Murders, based on the true story, will be right up your alley. It also sets the stage for Cutter’s story. Enjoy!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Kidnapped when I was three years old, I began writing as a means of escape from the emotional scars and repetitive nightmares from childhood. I wrote my first poem at nine years old, guessing at how to spell the words since I couldn't even write my own name back then.

I started to school for the first time in the fourth grade. This was the grade I was supposed to be in based on my age. It was a trial run, being told if I couldn't catch up with the other kids, I would be put back...all the way back to first grade.

That would have been devastating! Luckily, I was a fast learner, and I managed to catch up. I got to stay in the fourth grade, barely passing. But I did pass, and continued on to the next grade, then the next, and the next.

With determination I made it all the way through the twelfth grade, never admitting that I hated school with a passion.

It was many years later before I enrolled in college, but this time it was because I wanted to, not because I "had" to.

Soon I found out I loved college! I never liked math of any kind, even in college, but since I had to take algebra to graduate, I saved it until my last semester. Again I drew on my determination to pass, even if it was squeaking by. Somehow, I managed to graduate with a B in algebra, and straight A's in everything else.

And I did all this while working grave shift, full time, for a newspaper. I never had time, or the energy, to run the party scene. I was busy studying or working. Boy, was I glad when graduation day came. I wanted to catch up on my sleep!

However, I did prove to myself, and others, if you want something bad enough, you can do it, and nothing can stop you.

Now with my college degree behind me, (I majored in Journalism; minored in English) I knew it was time to get back to work on a book I'd been trying to write for so many years.

Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival was that book.

It was forty years in the making, and another three years tossing around whether to publish or not. I decided to move forward and publish it, because it is a story that needed to be told. It is a story to help others who had lived a life as I had growing up.

There have been eight more books since that one, and I have more to come as time allows over the next few years.

Writing is in my blood. If I couldn't write, I'm not sure I'd be very happy. I live to write, and I also write to live.

I must admit, after the childhood I grew up with, the life I told in Bitter Memories, today I live a wonderfully happy life, showing that there really is happiness after child abuse.

Bitter Memories is not an easy book to read, but it was my life as I remember it. Drowning In Memories, the sequel, shows that all memories are not bad. Cutter's Revenge and Trophy Murders show I do know how to have "fun" writing to keep readers on the edge of the chair, while Zip Ties and Lies shows the other side of my writing — True Crime.

Please go to my website and check out all my books.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Follow this link to read the entire interview.

http://wp.me/p3uv2y-2bE

This is a small part of the interview by Fiona.

Name: Sue Julsen

Fiona: Where are you from: Texas

Fiona: A little about your self `ie your education Family life etc

A few years after graduating high school, ready to leave Texas, I packed up and moved to Washington State. Five years later I moved to California. Several years later, still in California, I met the love of my life. After 23 years he’s still the love of my life and he’s also my best friend. We enjoy our time together, which has been pretty much 24/7 all these years. We have two rescue dogs and a bird.
Eight years ago, ready to retire from “real” work, we packed up and moved to Nevada. Even though cold and snow aren't my favorites, I really love living here, and I’m finally getting to live my dream as a writer.

Fiona: Tell us your latest news?

I don’t have an official title for my next book yet, but it will be #3 in the Revenge Series, spinning off Trophy Murders and Cutter’s Revenge.

Here’s a sneak peek, Fiona, just for your readers: ...

To read more of this interview, follow this link: http://wp.me/p3uv2y-2bE

Follow this link to my website where you can learn more about all of my books currently available:

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving — Enjoy the food, but enjoy the company of family and friends even more!

And, with Christmas just around the corner, it's time to start thinking of what to buy for those family members and friends.

Books make excellent gifts, and they last a lifetime, too.

So, when you're trying to decide what to buy those special people in your life, give my website a visit and check out my books available.

I'd really appreciate it!

Also, if you'd like to give a book to someone extra special, I'd be happy to sign a copy. The book/s can be mailed to you or directly to the person receiving the gift. Just go to the contact page on my website and send me a message for details.

Have a fun and safe holiday!

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

There are so many people with a story to tell. Exciting travels, the kids, animals, life in general, fantasies to take us to a fairy tale world, or into a land of zombies. There are many great authors with great books to read.

However, I too, had a story to tell, but my story, although it involved a lot of travel, were not exciting travels. I never had kids, so no real story to tell there. My animals — two dogs and a bird, plus numerous other wonderful bundles of love that have now gone to the Rainbow Bridge — have filled my adult life with so much joy.

As a child, there were no animals to love. There were no happy times for me to sit back and reflect on. No, my early life was filled with heartache and sorrow. A life filled with pain and fear. And many times, a desire to give up.

Life for me was not happy at all. I didn't have loving parents to take care of me. I had a mother who loved me, but I never got to know her. I had a father, but he didn't love me. Oh, he claimed he did, but in truth, Daddy never loved anyone or anything but himself.

Daddy kidnapped me when I was two years old, then again when I was three. He took me from my bed in the middle of the night. He took me away from my mother and my grandparents. He took me away from everyone I loved, and from the only home I’d ever known.

For the next six years I lived a life on the run, hungry, abused and terrified. I was hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me. But, no one loved me! No one really cared if I lived or died! They used me for their own pleasures, and they allowed others to use me.

If pictures of kids were put on milk cartons back in the 1950’s, I would have been on one of those cartons. If there were amber alerts, I would have been listed with other missing children. But, there was nothing back in those days.

All I had was a mother at home who turned to alcohol as a means of escape from her misery, and an uncle, a cop, my mother’s brother who, along with the FBI tried to find me. Unsuccessfully for six years, but at least they never gave up.

You have no idea how much pain a little kid can suffer—and still survive—until you read my book, Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival.

This is not a cozy, feel-good book. Bitter Memories is the true story of my life, living with my father after the kidnapping. This is a story of extreme child abuse and my struggle to survive.

Let me warn you right now: There is no way to “sugarcoat” child abuse, therefore be prepared for strong adult language and explicit content.

Bitter Memories is an unforgettable, unnerving journey into a world of extreme neglect and criminal cruelty/abuse as I fight to survive under the worst conditions imaginable.

The second in the series, Drowning In Memories, continues my story, but in this book you'll learn not all memories are bad. Cutter's Revenge turns tragedy into triumph, ending the series the way I wished my life could have been like. In Cutter's world I gain revenge, safely, toward some who hurt me over the years.

For an exciting fictional twist — based on the true story — you'll also want to read Trophy Murders.

As a memoir, true crime and crime fiction author, I thoroughly enjoy writing. I enjoy giving my readers a variety of sit-on-the-edge-of-the-chair crime stories — some true, some pure fiction.

To learn more about all nine of my books, please visit my website:

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

I am a true crime, memoir and crime fiction writer, throwing in a fantasy just for fun to round it all out.

Imagine: A happy three-year old girl taken from her bed in the middle of the night by her father, a man she adores...then things change for this little girl as she experiences a life no child should ever be subjected to.

Like so many others, I am a survivor of child abuse. I was that little 3-year old kid kidnapped by my father in the middle of the night. For the next six years I lived a life on the run, hungry, abused and terrified. Thanks to the mind’s ability to “disassociate” in times of extreme terror, I survived only because of this disorder...The fear I felt was so intense I split into multiple personalities...Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival is the start of my story.

NOTE: Bitter Memories is not a cozy, feel-good book. It is a true story of extreme and horrific child abuse and the will to survive. Strong language and graphic content!

Drowning In Memories, written in two parts, continues my story, showing that all memories are not bad. This up and down ride has fun times, not-so-fun times, and sad times that came to mind during and after writing Bitter Memories.

Many secrets my uncle kept hidden over the years are revealed. While trying to mend fences with my aunt I learned you never can go home again, at least I never could. John, who I didn't know growing up, was an amazing big brother. With great pride I share some of our times together while we were getting to know each other.

Cutter’s Revenge tells a story from my dreams of how I wished my life could have been. I wanted some happiness in my life! But I also wanted revenge!

Cutter’s story introduces a serial killer for my uncle to battle while he continues to struggle with years of secrets and lies that he knows will destroy him if he doesn't confess. He also believes if I learn the truth of those secrets, that knowledge could destroy me. Will he find the courage to reveal the long-kept secrets and admit to years and years of lies? This is a twisted tale of terror to keep you on the edge of your chair, but there’s a lot more to Cutter than meets the eye. Enter Cutter’s world — if you dare…

Trophy Murders, written for my fiction fans, puts a spin on the true story for an exciting read as a gang of killers hit our small town, giving my uncle, the police chief, a challenge to bring peace back to his town.

From the Heart is a collection of 15 poems written during low points in my life while searching for inner peace, exposing feelings never shared before this book. The first poem written was when I was nine years old, after the death of my mother, a woman I never had the chance to remember. Included are short stories or clips that inspired each poem.

After Midnight continues parts of my story left out from the other books in the bitter memories series, as I delve more into my involvement with my mother’s alcoholic sister and also my big brother who, in the other books I had not yet met. NOTE: After Midnight is also Part Two in Drowning in Memories.

One In A Million: A True Story of Friendship is a story about an amazing man who changed the direction my life was heading, and brought me back from a never-ending abyss of pain and sorrow.

After I'd attempted suicide, I met David, another patient on the psych ward suffering from deep depression. He'd been admitted on a suicide prevention watch. However, holding a heartbreaking secret, David had a good reason to be depressed.

One In A Million is a true story of friendship and love between two friends helping each other deal with spirals of emotions, good and bad. David truly was One In A Million. NOTE: One In A Million is also the bonus story in Drowning In Memories.

Zip Ties and Lies is the story of the Anderson/DiMaggio coldhearted, coldblooded murder case that started in San Diego, California and ended in the Idaho wilderness, leaving three people and a dog, dead.

Who REALLY killed the Anderson's? Who's behind the cover up? Was Jim DiMaggio innocent of murder, arson and kidnapping?

The Rose: A Tale of Fantasy, written for fun, is complete with magic and talking animals that try to help their "Queen" in her quest when they learn of danger coming to the city and to the forest. This is a story for all ages.

To learn more, and to see all formats available for each book, please visit my website for full descriptions of all my books.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

Excerpt from Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival: I stayed in my room until I had to go to the bathroom. When I couldn't hold it any longer, I cracked open my door just enough to squeeze through, then slithered along the wall, trying to stay in the shadows. I made it halfway down the hall, unnoticed, when I felt a tug on my hair and I was slammed into the wall...WARNING****CONTAINS SEXUAL CONTENT AND EXPLICIT LANGUAGE****

Excerpt from Drowning In Memories, Part 2: Crouching in the darkest corner of my room, not wanting to look but unable to detach my gaze, reluctantly, I watch in numbed horror.
Trembling, unable to move, I listen to the clock on the wall. With each vulgar sounding tick…tick…tick…my body stiffens. My mind is reeling, my heart pumps spastically. Panic sets in as the illuminated hand snaps off another minute.
Tick…tick…tick…I barely notice the beads of perspiration trickling down the back of my neck. I hold my breath and push my back tightly against the wall behind me.
Two more minutes…tick…tick…tick…
Nothing good ever happens after midnight…

Excerpt from Trophy Murders (based on the true story): "Sarah, please don't get mad at me, but sometimes you talk and act like a different person. You say the f-word a lot, and you get a weird look on your face when you talk about men. Even your voice changes. It sounds harsh and raspy, and so cold...

Excerpt from Cutter's Revenge: I never approved of Daddy's way of life, but what could I do? I was just a little kid! Those years I lived with him on the run, it took everything I had just to survive the hunger...the abuse. If any hate should be slung, I should be the one slinging for the way Daddy treated me all those years...

Please visit my website to learn more about these books, plus 5 other books.
http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen

With this new year upon us, it brings so many possibilities that we don't even know of yet. My wish is for everyone to have an awesome 2015. Happy New Year to all my readers: fans, family and friends.

Current Projects:
1) With plans of a series of true crime books, I'm researching numerous crimes that have never been solved, hoping to find truth for the victims of these cold cases and closure for their families.
2) Staying extremely busy, I'm proofing my next book in the Revenge Series. If you haven't read Trophy Murders and Cutter's Revenge yet, you still have time before the last in this series comes out.

Now for a little about me, the author:
Kidnapped at three years old, I began writing as a means of escape from the emotional scars and repetitive nightmares from my childhood.

As an investigative reporter for my college newspaper, I received a journalism scholarship, graduating with an Associate in Science degree. After college I wrote as a correspondent for my local newspaper, then ran a successful massage therapy clinic and a gift shop business for eleven years.

Today I am a true crime, memoir and crime fiction writer/published author.

I currently have nine books available in several formats. Besides writing my memoir series, I also have a short story fantasy that I wrote just for fun, with plans of expanding the fantasy series when time allows.

Today I live in Nevada with my husband, two dogs, and a bird. I enjoy writing, reading and going for short walks with my dogs.

And now you know just a little about me. To learn more about me and my childhood trauma/abuse, read my memoir series: Bitter Memories, Drowning In Memories, From The Heart, After Midnight, and One In A Million.
NOTE: Cutter's Revenge is part of the memoir series (and the revenge series), putting closure the way I wished my life could have been. Also: After Midnight and One In A Million are sold as singles, but they are included in Drowning In Memories.

To see all my books and the formats available for each book, please visit my website. There are also links on the website to order.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen