The scars from childhood abuse runs so deep, even after years of therapy, we can’t fully shake what happened to us. We aren’t feeling sorry for ourselves when this happens. It’s just part of our lives; it’s what we have to deal with time and time again.

Something as simple as an innocent phrase uttered by a friend, or overhearing something someone on the street says, can trigger these memories. Even a tone of voice can bring back times when abuse occurred.

There’s no way to escape the power of the mind as it continues to hang onto memories — good and bad. As a survivor of child abuse, we have to learn how to deal with these memories whenever they decide to raise their ugly heads. We have to learn how to not strike out at others for something they say or do to bring back that horrible time for us. But it’s not easy. The first instinct when hurt is to strike back. It’s built in survival.

But, as children we couldn’t strike back.

As children, we had to endure whatever came our way, whether it was verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. To fight back would only make the abuse more painful. Verbal abuse could so easily turn physical, while physical and sexual abuse could turn so violent that we might not live through it.

Maybe you think those suffering from abuse might be better off to actually die. Well, as a child, many of us did pray night after night to not wake up the next day. We hurt, not only physically, but mentally. At the time of the abuse, for some, we believed dying would have been a blessing, but somewhere deep inside of us was the will to live. There was always the hope that life would get better. There was always the hope that someone would rescue us from our tormentor.

Unfortunately, many children who are abused do die. They don’t get the chance to be rescued, or to learn there is life after abuse. They never get to experience a life other than being hurt, many brutally beaten to death.

My heart goes out to all these children who never had a chance. My heart goes out to all the children who have lived a life of abuse and were lucky to survive, because I know their suffering. My heart goes out to all the adult survivors of abuse; especially the ones who have not yet learned how to love; how to trust another person.

But, it’s not easy for us to love or to trust. Many times our abuse came from a family member or close friends of the family. They were people who claimed to love us, then turned on us and hurt us. As adult survivors, we remember those empty words. We remember wanting to believe, wanting love. We wanted to know the nurturing of a mother and father. We wanted a healthy relationship with uncles and aunts, and friends. But we were cheated out of a “normal” life. We lived knowing pain and suffering and fear.

It’s no surprise survivors of abuse find it hard to love and trust another person. When we do try to love, to give a person the chance to love us, we’re always waiting for that hand to fall, for hurtful words to be screamed, for that pain we’d always lived with to return.

It takes a strong man or woman to deal with our pain. For the person who will take the time to know us, to love us, to understand what life was like for us, and to learn that we are not damaged goods, he or she will be greatly rewarded. We are human beings wanting love. We want to forget the past and to trust. It takes a very strong partner or friend to stick by us, giving us strength and hope, and unconditional love. But, one thing about abuse survivors is this: when we do finally find that one person we can love and trust, as long as we are not betrayed, he or she will have our love, our heart and our soul.

As children from a background of abuse, we lived through unspeakable things. We lived through a life that many times would have been so much easier to just give up and die. But to survive we had to have the will to live. We were fighters, but not in the traditional sense of the word. We were inward fighters, refusing to give up, refusing to lie down and die.

We were innocent children, living in a cruel and hurtful world, unable to stand up to those big monsters towering over us. Many times we were threatened if we didn’t obey the monsters wishes. We didn’t deserve the life we lived. We did nothing to be treated as we were, to be threatened or, in our minds, punished.

We were innocent victims, then. But as adults, we are not victims any longer. We ARE survivors!

My own personal story of kidnapping and abuse is told in Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival. I lived with years of abuse. Most of my abuse was extreme, but my feelings and my pain were no different from any child who has lived with abuse. In the sequel, Drowning In Memories, I continue my story, living past the abuse, when all memories were not bad.

Bitter Memories is not easy to read. It is not sugarcoated to make it better than it was, or described any worse than it was. I did not clean up the language heard on a daily basis. I did change the names and locale to protect the innocent — and even the guilty.

I told my story, exactly as I remember it, to help other survivors still suffering to find their path toward healing, but also to help people who do not know about the effects of child abuse to understand what that kind of life is like for a child.

I wanted society to learn from my experiences so they would not sit back and do absolutely nothing to help a child being abused. I also hoped society would learn and accept and help all of us who come forward to tell our own stories, instead of condemning us for a life we had no control over. As survivors of child abuse, extreme or not, we have suffered enough.

From emails and letters I receive daily from readers, my hopes and prayers are being answered. These letters and emails let me know I did not put myself out there for nothing. Thank you so much for reading my story, learning from it, and for telling others so they too can learn and understand.

Of course there will always be people who don’t care to understand, who continue to say hurtful things. For these people I ask this: If a child or an adult survivor comes to you, please be kind. Try to listen and try to understand. Please don’t ridicule or condemn. You could be the saving light for this survivor.

For the ones who were (and are) still suffering, a very special thank you goes out to all who have contacted me after reading my story. You took the first step in leaving your past behind. I’m so proud of all of you! After living in painful silence for so many years, you now know you are not alone. You are survivors, moving forward, ready to live a happier, peaceful life. The steps toward healing will not be easy, but remember this: The road to success is always under construction, but the repairs to get to the end of that road are so worth the effort. No matter what gets in your path, just don’t ever quit. You are worth it!

Discover all my books in the Bitter Memories Series, the Revenge Series, and more on my website. You will not want to miss reading Cutter’s Revenge, the last in the bitter memories series, where I get tons of “safe and purely fictional revenge” toward some who hurt me as a child.

For my fiction readers, Trophy Murders, based on the true story, will be right up your alley. It also sets the stage for Cutter’s story. Enjoy!

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