Scars Run Deep

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Scars Run Deep

Scars of Abuse
Reprinted by request

I watch them. Strangers walking down the street, smiling and laughing, and I wonder: What was their life like growing up? Did they have a normal life? Did their parents love them; tell them they were wanted? Were they told they were, and are, cherished?

As children, did they easily fit in with other kids, or go out of their way trying to fit in? Did they succeed, or were they laughed at? In a crowd, did they slink into a corner trying to be invisible? Did they get beatings—or whippings—or just grounded? Were they told how useless they were and they never should have been born?

As adults, do they have self-confidence or are they intimidated easily? Are they afraid to voice an opinion? Afraid of being ridiculed? Afraid of doing something wrong?

While watching these seemingly normal, happy men and women I wonder: Are their smiles are fake? Are they laughing outside, but crying inside?

Most of my life I cried inside while faking a smile. I felt alone. Unloved. Unwanted. I didn't have a mother to confide in…to be my best friend. That dreadful night as my father drove away with me, taking me from the only home I’d ever known; taking me from the people who truly loved me, I had no idea how much my life was about to change—forever.

Starting at age three, my life was filled with sorrow, neglect and abuse—a life no child should ever experience. I was hurt time and again by people who claimed to love me. I grew up in the shadow of fear, uncertainty and hate. For six years I lived life on the run, starving, abused and terrified.

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, Daddy left me alone in the car for days while he went off with a woman. When he finally returned and told me he’d married her, I was devastated! I begged him to leave her, but he slapped me so hard I saw stars.

During the next two years, living with the evil stepmother, I found out just how bad things could get. She did awful, unspeakable things to me. She put the "evil" in stepmother, that's for sure!

All my life I tried to run from myself. I tried to forget the horrible things that had happened, but I couldn't. I’d been left with scars from so many bitter memories, voices in my head, and nightmares. Horrendous nightmares that I felt sure would haunt me for the rest of my life.

For years I always wondered if I’d be a better person today if I’d had a normal life? What is normal anyway?

I wonder how many adult survivors have asked themselves that question? I've asked for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know. How could I? My life was as far from normal as it could possibly get.

Although unnerving, Bitter Memories is a gripping account of the extremes a child can undergo—and survive. Written from the heart, taking on a life of its own, I relived those memories of heartache, sadness, extreme hunger, and intense fear in hopes of helping other adult survivors find a path toward healing their “hidden” scars. My story deals with explosive topics that former child victims of mental, physical, and sexual violence will understand.

My life was a living hell, one of extreme worst. But it doesn't take extreme to mess up a child’s head. It doesn't take extreme to drive a child beyond the breaking point.

Without professional help to deal with abuse issues, long term effects include fear, anxiety, depression, anger, hostility, inappropriate sexual behavior, poor self esteem, a tendency toward substance abuse, and difficulty with close relationships.

Without help, abused kids continue to experience the trauma. Fear, insecurities, a sense of hopelessness prevents the child from living a happy, fulfilled life. Many times, as I did, victims relive their abuse in recurring nightmares.

Pain of abuse is so intense, yet victims feel they can’t talk to anyone about the abuse. They feel ashamed. They have low self esteem. In a crowd, they feel totally alone. Feelings of despair sets in; they believe the abuse was their fault; they’re being punished for being bad; life isn't worth living. When this hidden pain inside becomes overwhelming, the victim is more likely to attempt suicide.

Child abuse, neglect and/or abduction are national epidemics. Sweeping it under the rug, or choosing to believe it doesn't happen, won’t make it go away, nor does it change statistics: (1) Almost five children die daily from abuse in the United States. (2) Three million abuse reports—physical, emotional, sexual and/or neglect—are made every year. (3) It’s estimated nearly 10 million cases will go unreported. (4) It’s estimated 60 million survivors of childhood sexual abuse live in America today. (5) Girls are three times more likely to be sexually abused than boys, however, boys have a greater risk of emotional neglect and serious injury than girls.

It doesn't matter how abuse is inflicted, it still leaves a lasting impression on the victim. Homes in which women are beaten are at greater risk of having abused children. Children abused, as much as they don’t want to, often subject their own children to abuse.

If you see, or even suspect a child is being abused, report it immediately. It would be better to be wrong, than to be right and do nothing, and you may help save a child from a lifetime of heartache.

All an abused child needs is a chance and an environment full of love and kindness to show them how truly important they are.

THE BITTER MEMORIES SERIES:

1) Bitter Memories: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival, a memoir told from the heart, is the true story of my early life after being kidnapped by my father. I was only three years old. In this heartfelt journey into the world of extreme child abuse, the language is raw, the content is sexually graphic, but it also shows my will to survive. This was my life.

2) Drowning In Memories is written in two parts: Part One, Bitter Tasting Memories continues where Bitter Memories left off, adding in other memories that were left out before. Part Two, After Midnight, dedicated to my big brother, is where you'll find a lot about this wonderful sibling of mine. Also included a short story, One In A Million about a man who helped change my life.

2-A) Trophy Murders (for my fiction fans) based on true events, is an action-packed crime story as I take you further on the journey after going to live with Uncle Henry (the cop) and his heavy-handed wife, Olivia. NOTE: Drowning In Memories is the actual true story, but this book is a good crime fiction read, even for my memoir fans.

3) Cutter's Revenge mixes about five percent truth with a lot of suspenseful fiction. Anyone who’s read the first two books will know truth from fiction instantly. Using many of the same characters, I put closure to years of abuse — my way — gaining personal revenge so much deserved, while my readers also gain a pound of sweet revenge for themselves.

Cutter's Revenge is the last in the Bitter Memories series, but it is also the beginning of a new "revenge" series I'm currently working on.

To find all my books currently available, plus my newest True Crime book, Zip Ties and Lies, The Anderson/DiMaggio Case: Coldhearted - Coldblooded, please visit my website.

http://sj2448.wix.com/suejulsen